Hump Day Review

God help me, last night I gave up sex so I can play computer game. Sex! How sick is that? I thought I had a mild addictive personality but this has crossed the line.

So they found out that the fire in California was started by a little boy playing with matches. Eh, really? Why is it always the usual suspects? I'm not buying it. All the destruction aside, imagine how bad the kid would feel if it was really him. The trauma, I don't think anyone could grow up normal with this in the back of his conscience. They are considering to bring the kid to court, but it is likely to be dismissed as an accident. Ultimately that's why I doubt that the fire is really started by a kid. Everyone plays with matches, I know I did when I was a kid, burning little pieces of paper or ants. Fire is pretty and magical. (Is it just me? Or is it the arson in me?)

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately and enjoying the thoughts and writings of other people. But I grew afraid of leaving comments, somehow my comments are often misunderstood as malintent when most of the time I'm either joking or my comments are unclear. I remember one time on Sagat's blog he was writing on how he thinks he's a 'normal' guy and he wants to be normal and I left a comment saying 'How could you even consider yourself normal, look at you! lol' and Francesco left a message curse the hell outta me. I always consider Francois to be one of the hottest person I've ever seen, so I didn't understand why he wanted to be normal. It was meant to be a compliment but I see how it could be mistook for an insult. Being yelled for it was quite upsetting. I guess a lot of people are quite defensive when it comes to other people's comment, I can understand that. Incidents like this makes me realize how bad I actually write, and I tried to lighten the mood of my comments by adding some emoticons, so people won't take as much offense.

Vanessa Marquez's 'Good Girl' is playing continuously in my head and I don't know why. I hope she'll have an album coming soon.

Oh and Happy Halloween!

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Another Test

I'm a water sign too, at least I think I am. (Born on the cusp) Are we ideal lovers?

You Should Be With a Water Sign!

Your best match is a Cancer, Scorpio, or Pisces Why? You crave intimacy and connection in your relationship And while most guys can't open up enough for you, a Water Sign can Not that you're whole relationship will be soul gazing A Water Sign matches your goofy sense of humor - and desire to help others.

What Sign Guy Should You Date?

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Awakening

I just realize something yesterday: "I'm single now, I can do whatever I want!" I don't know how this has gotten past me, but there's no rules anymore. I don't need to stay at home if i don't want to, I can go out whenever I want. As long as i show up at my job on time and leave on time, I can pretty much do whatever I want.

I don't understand why I have never felt this way before.

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Death and Seperation

It is not meant to be a serious topic, not the in-depth kind anyway. It just seems to be fitting for yesterday.

One of my colleague got a call from her vet to tell her that they need to put her cat to sleep. She burst into hysteria, cried and ran into a conference room to lock herself in. Of course, we didn't know what was going on until she came out still crying. It was quite dramatic. I think if I had a cat for years and had to put her to sleep, I would be quite upset as well but I don't think I express emotion the same way she does, so I don't quite "get it". It was also her last day before her spinal surgery and she'll be out for a month and for that I'm jealous.

Talk to Macho yesterday about us not being boyfriends, I just can't do it, and although he seems to understand it was still heartbreaking. He cried and I was a bit scared. After all, we only knew each other for 5 days. I like the guy and find him attractive but then we are totally different. He called me three times and he was a bit drunk and I see some traces of my stalker ex-boyfriend in him. I really can't deal with another one. Maybe I'm a psycho magnet, who knows? I promise to call him again, but I'm hesitant.

I planned to go to San Diego, Tijuana and perhaps LA in Mid November with DC, but with the wildfire going on I really would hate to have to cancel my plans. I've never been to that area and I really like to see and maybe get into some trouble over there and I already paid for some tickets that are non-refundable. Things usually would turn out ok, even with death and seperation, people learn to deal.

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I'm Superman!

I guess due to the nature of the questions, a lot of us would be superman! I wish...

Your results:
You are Superman

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.
Superman		85%
Batman		65%
Hulk		65%
Spider-Man		60%
Robin		59%
Green Lantern		55%
Catwoman		55%
Supergirl		52%
The Flash		50%
Wonder Woman		47%
Iron Man		40%

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

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Exhaustion (The Good Kind)

I have a confession to make... On my way of becoming a prostitute, I have acquired my graduation certificate. Yes, folks, I am now officially a whore. During the past week, I have screwed with 2 guys I've met online, fooled around with 3 guys when I was out at a bar, and commenced a 24 hour threesome session with two other guys that I invited back to my place. So let the stoning begin.

I'm completely exhausted, coz' other than the sex I've managed to stay up nearly every night of the week playing computer games, recording a TV marathon, had dinner with DC, doing house chores, groceries shopping. I'm sleeping less than six hours a night.

Am I acting out? I'm not on drugs (pity) and I'm quite proud of myself. I've never had this much fun. I feel like I'm breaking out of my shell. I feel like I might even be able to approach someone in a bar now. The anonymous sex somehow is giving me confidence (don't worry, I'm being safe too). Two of them guys want me to be their boyfriend... lol. Well, one of them is really my type. Macho, a ultra-masculine muscle bear, a divorcee with a 15 year old daughter, but he's only realized that he like guys for the past year and we're in a totally different economy bracket. While he's sweet and a bit emotionally clingy, I don't really think we could work out.

I remember going out to dinner with a few friends when I was still with Principe and they told me one of their requirements of choosing a mate is to have compatible financial status. I didn't really understand back then, but I guess I do now. I made the mistake of taking Macho to dinner at a fancy restaurant not knowing that he might not be able to pay for it. Of course, I offer to pay in the very begining as I do all my 'dates', but I can see the discomfort in his face. We still had a very good time, but bad feelings would harbor in the long run, I can tell. He is really attractive, and he's very easily attached. When I'm with him there were connection, a bond, he's already planning to see me a few times a week just to hang out. How should I handle this?

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Music Alert - Ben's Brother

I guess if you watch as much TV as I do, you might have heard a great song featuring in the cheesiest Dentyne commercial yet. The party responsible for this song is a British band called Ben's Brother. Honestly, what's with the British bands and their great music?

I've heard another comple of songs from this band and I kinda like it. Their new album "Beta Male Fairytales" is suppose to come out Nov. 6. I'll definitely get it and then write a full report.

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My Crush's First-Born

GS had a son, another addition to the cabbage patch amongst our high school friends. What is it? two boys and one girl now? GS' wife named him Anson, where do people come up with these crazy names?

At some point, I forgot how old I am. We are in our early 30s and all of us have passed the optimum age to have children. Somehow the news of GS having a son really brought it home the fact that I may never have children.

Brought up in the traditional Asian mind set, one of the greatest purpose in life is to carry our name over to the next generation. It is part of the reason why there are so many abandoned female orphans after China's one-child policy. I don't really mind if the bloodline ends with me, although I think I do have some half-sisters or half-brothers somewhere, but I can't help but be disappointed that I might not be able to experience the joy of children, the 'unconditional' love. Maybe I'll just find someone with children and go through the 'this man is your dad's best friend' thing.

I used to have such a crush on GS, the sunny, good looking, athletic star. It's great that we still maintained a friendship. Hope life is good for him on the other side of the fence.

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The Cinderella Complex

I was chatting with a few people online yesterday who gave me advice on finding that someone special. Funny thing is, I didn't ask them for it. It just naturally follows my 'Yes' to their "Are you single?'.

I have been chatting with this opera singer from Germany for quite a while and he was sweet enough to say that the one I'm looking for is out there, I just have to look for him. I told him that I don't have enough self confident and don't feel that I am good enough. He told me that he used to have the same problem but he told me that I can't seat and wait for someone to come find me. Am I just sitting here for someone to come find me?

The morales of children's stories are often "Work on yourself, inner beauty and honesty will be rewarded", but it's frustrating when it doesn't happen in real life. The ones who get rewarded are the ones who can scream the loudest, the pretty ones, the already rich and powerful or the ones who befriend them. The quiet, reserved ones and the self-sufficient ones seldom get noticed. What exceptional qualities does one have to possess to be found and rescued? When will my fairy godmother show up with her magic wand and make me pretty enough to get noticed? And how vain can I be to make myself appealing when vanity is shunned upon?

A wise man would stop playing victim, slay the cruel stepmother-turn-dragon and rescue another waiting princess. Unfortunately, the world is filled with too many damsels and not enough prince who has the courage to ride on the pretty white steed.

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To A Great Night

I haven't been to a bar for months and last Friday, JH invited me to go to an outing with the boys. It was country line dance Friday in one of the biggest local gay bar and I'm only too happy to oblige.

So we were out around 9:30 at night, JH, his boyfriend Kim, AL, and Betty. Tons of people already started line dancing. I mean, I think I've seen people line-dance before, but somehow it just cracks me up. It's a good ole time!

Bunch of people memorized the dance to dozens of song, where they actually learned in classes during the day so they can demonstrate at night to (cheesy) catchy country music. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ridiculing it. In fact, I haven't smiled so much in a very long time, my chin muscles hurt the day after. I just find it very funny. I saw two Asians and a guy with a blue mohawk doing it too. It sure has a multi-cultural following and everybody is doing the same choreography, it's almost like a cult.

I can't get over what a good time I've had. Surely it's not just the doings of the two martinis, although I am an easy drunk. AL was avoiding Betty the whole night because Betty got himself a ridiculous haircut and AL was too embarrassed to be seen with him. Ha! (It was very 'distinctive' though, and not in a good way)

Afterwards, I headed to another gay bars where they had an once a month Asian party. I know the people who hold the party, I got some appetizers and got pulled to do a long electronic survey for a study they were doing and got $40. Paid for all my expense that night and more. Pretty cool, huh? I wouldn't mind doing this more often.

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Music Invasion: Jamiroquai's "Too Young To Die"and Galliano's "Prince of Peace"

I have loved Jamiroquai since around 1995, and I think this is the first song that have drawn me to them and introduced me to Acid Jazz, that and Galliano's Prince of Peace. They seemed to be especially fitting for this moment with our war in Iraq.

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I Just Don't Get It

I really don't get it. On my way to work this morning, a bunch of anti-abortionist was outside showing passer-bys pictures of dead fetuses and shouting their interpretation of the word of god. The thing that gets me though is that these people who shouts are all men, of the ten to fifteen anti-abortionist strategically planted in the three block radius, there is only one female, a ten-years old girl at that. For me, it is way less convincing to me since it's so much easier for them to yell anti-abortion slogans when they can't even get pregnant at the first place. What do I care anyway? As a gay man, it's almost a non-issue for me so can you just spare me with the disgusting pictures of dead-anything?

One of the giant posters features a cute baby on one size with the word "Life" on it, and when the crafty holder flips it over it is is a dead fetus with the word "Death". Honestly you can do the same with pictures of a dog or an adult, does it really mean anything? Of course, things that are dead are always more horrifying than when they are alive.

The horrible thing is that they drag their children to participate in their own cause. Anti-abortion, anti-gays, KKK, they are all building a whole new generation of hate, if they are so concerned about people who have abortions, why don't they offer the pregnant mothers to take care of their children after they are born? Protest about the war, it's killing tons of people, grown ups at that.

Francesco said something very buddhist on his blog: "It's not up to us to dole out rewards and punishments." That would be ideal in an ideal world, but I've learned that bullies exist in the real world, there are people who comes around only to cause harm for their personal gains or just to feel superior and I can't help myself to be vindictive. I'm not into petty score keeping, but when those malice becomes a habit or a trend, it's hard not to notice and take caution. Somebody has to shut them down, somebody has to do it so why not me? If everybody let things go, we wouldn't need the police, or the whole jurisdiction system. There wouldn't be Superman, Batman or Spiderman.

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P.S.

Besides, if I don't think people are replaceable, will I be able to survive?

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It's Been Fun

I realized that it has been a month since Principe has left and I'm thankful that time seems to have passed by very fast. As I woke up this morning I felt the season changed and I felt that my state of mind changed as well. I felt happier, maybe it is really not a measure of happiness but I feel ready or maybe content, which for me is a great state to be in.

Maybe I'm ready to move on. Is it a bit heartless of me to get over someone that I have been with for 6 years in merely a month's time? There is really no point dwelling on something that's unsalvageable. It'll be a good memory and we'll always have a long distance friendship or love even, but that's about it. I will need someone who's physically in my life.

I think my refusal to get depressed and obsessed about this seperation had paid off, I have managed to drown myself in World of Warcraft and managed to gain a few friends in the process. It's been fun.

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Does It Still Taste Good?

There seems to be an extraordinary amount of cream...

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Gay World of Warcraft Humor

Found this clip online obviously produced by the Pretty Pink Ponies guild. It's completely hilarious!

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Quiz on Religious View

I'm always up for new quizzes and found this one on Jessica's blog. I have to admit that I'm an avid reader, although there's not much to read. (^o^)

You scored as Cultural Creative, Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 75% Existentialist 63% Idealist 63% Modernist 63% Postmodernist 56% Materialist 44% Romanticist 44% Fundamentalist 31% What is Your World View? created with QuizFarm.com

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These Foolish Things

"The winds of March that made my heart a dancer
A telephone that rings But who's to answer
Oh, how the ghost of you clings
These foolish things
Remind me of you -- Ella Fitzgerald, These Foolish Things"

I'm actively getting myself addicted to World of Warcraft, playing 6-12 hours a day to drown out my thoughts about being single again. I'm happy to report that it works quite well. But at the time that I'm not playing or thinking about the game, the sadness creeps up on me.

I can't believe that Principe has only left for two weeks, it feels like it had been months since I've seen his face. At least I'm not expecting him to walk through the door anymore. I guess I was wrong to expect anything more subconsciously. I knew the facts, I knew how it would end up, I just can't help myself. Party boy JH got back with his ex and bought a scooter, AL met a guy and broke up with his "husband" of 16 years. Who knows what a relationship is? "Nothing is forever, and I'm beginning to learn that it might not matter." I guess I got into a relationship with Principe thinking that in the back of my mind. As long as I have fell in love completely, it doesn't matter if it is just temporary. But I guess at the end I got greedy and now my heart aches.

As of today, I'm a lvl 22 Dwarf Hunter at Proudmoore with the Stonewall Champions, one of the few GLBT friendly guild on World of Warcraft. If anyone see me out there please say hi!

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The "Gayliens"

Went to bentblog and seen this clip. It is so good and so true, no matter how much you have to offer nobody cares. Americans are a bunch of six years old that giggles when you say the word "Sex". Sad, really.

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My Past Is Still Haunting Me.

I can't believe it but my ex is still sending me horrible text messages, calling my phone and not say a word and ringing my doorbell at two o'clock in the morning.

About ten days ago he sent me a text message saying he needed to talk to me and as usual I ignored it. We were together for only three years and we broke up six-seven years ago, I don't understand why he still have a hang up. After a few days, he texted me again and say that his health ids deteriorating and there's something really important that he needed to tell me. Well, I talked to DC and we decided I won't be able to help whatever is happening to him and I'm afraid that he will come back and stalk me again so I ignored him again.

Well yesterday he text me and cursed me out. He said to me that he is now HIV Positive. It is a shock, since he is such an unlikely candidate. He's getting so much older now and in no way is he attractive and he doesn't seem to be the type that uses drug or sharing a needle. he must have contracted it from sex, but who would do him and why would he go unprotected? My guess is that he has a tendency of getting drunk and after he's drunk he will lose his judgement. Well, most of the harassment I get from him is when he is drunk anyway.

Now, I'm afraid that he will try to stab me with an infected needle. He is angry all the time. I can't say that he deserved it, I don't think anybody does. I don't understand why he feels the need to tell me though, what does he want me to do?

The past is always following me around, can't shake it.

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Taking Financial Responsibilities

A friend just told me about a program available for first-time home buyers. If your annual household income is less than $69,000 than you'll be qualify for a home loan program where you only need to pay 3% down and they even will give you $2,000 towards the closing costs. Wow, if I have known I might have bought a house. But since my job situation is not really secure, I might choose not to do so right now.

I have been thinking about saving up some money for rainy days or should I decide to yet immigrate to another country. I wonder if I should go onto the stock market and invest my existing savings. My uncles and my granma does that, my ex urged me to do so, but I don't feel secure enough because I don't really know what it is all about. I wonder if there's a class out there that teaches you everything you need to know about the stock market or investment in general in an informative and unbiased way.

I guess as I'm growing older, I really have to think hard about my future.

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Schadenfreude For Britney Spears

In the midst of despair, it's always nice to know that I'm not the only one in misery.

Holy cow, did anyone else saw Britney Spears opening for MTV's VMA? I was never too much of a Britney Spears' fan. It embarasses me to admit it, but I did like a few of her songs. They are catchy enough to stay in my head for a while and sooner or later I get to like them but last night's performance is something else.



Oh my god, the song is simply horrendous. She's flabby and her performance was quite sleazy and horrible. It's really too bad, she used to be so proud and call herself an entertainer. She used to give out great performances. All the sudden, the star turned into a mom who gave birth to two children. There's nothing wrong with getting married and giving birth, it's just in the process of doing so she shattered the fantasy that is Britney Spears.

There were three Britney songs that got leaked out to the net and I heard them all from Jonny McGovern's podcast and they all seemed quite mediocre. My favorite one is a ballad seems to have meant for Christina Aguilera, but the only thing is Britney hasn't got the voice for it and all the rifts seems to be so wrong.

I guess a lot of stars are too young, too immature and they haven't really figured out life yet or they just want to do it all when they are still young. But once you achieve stardom, what else is left? And after putting all the hard work in to achieve your ultimate peak in life, wouldn't you want to act out to reward yourself? And what happens after you flopped? After your career is ruined and you have been deemed to be a one trick pony, a has-been? What's left in your life? Can you compare your monumental success with all the little simple pleasures that's left?

Would I be able to stop comparing my future love(s) to Principe?

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On The Minus Side

Principe has been calling me every other day, like he did his family when he was with me. I honestly thought he would be out of my life forever, somehow the concept of keeping in touch with him after he left never occured to me. I don't know if I'd rather be constantly reminded that I can't be with him anymore or rot alone. I can find solice in the fact that he's happy, but yet I miss him so much.

ES called and told me that her husband found a new job in Washington DC. So she's gonna be moving there very soon. Why not? I already don't have much friends, might as well take another one from me. I should have been more social and get to know more people, because you never know when you will need them.

DC sent me some job listings from his company and I don't think I qualify for any of them. It's a bit discouraging. But with ES gone, there's really not much for me at my current job. I need to start looking for another one. I don't mind starting at entry level all over again. I don't think it's too late yet. Maybe I should go back to school, too bad I don't have enough money for it.

I wish life is easier.

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On The Plus Side

I guess what they say is right, "When you hit the bottom, there's nowhere to go but up." I might be in an emotional roller coaster but I am starting to feel better after communicating my feelings with DC, and ranting on this blog. After all there are honestly no way to get him back so what's the point, really?

I really feel like I could use a job change. I hate my job right now and maybe I could find something better now that I've got my green card. DC offered to send me some listing from his company. Getting me to Focus on my future helped. Being out of the house helped. Getting some sun helped. Drowning myself with TV shows and video games helped. Being in bed early and waking up earlier helped.

I thought my appetite will subside and maybe I will lose some weight in the process, but I still feel hungry around meal time. I don't feel like cooking anymore though, I'm by myself, cereal will do. They say some birds will die after their spouse, some old couple will wither away after one of them passes on. I doubt that I will have that luck. Losing weight would be a nice consolation prize.

I need to get a new job and save some money. Maybe immigrate to Australia and get a brand new start. Should I wait until I get my citizenship before leaving or does that even matter? If I could work hard for the next five years, my life could get a chance to jump start.

Or maybe it will just be as miserable anywhere else, I just need to change myself, my point of view in life. Maybe I am a failure and I should recognize it right now. Maybe whatever I do will not make a difference. Maybe I should just settle for the little pleasures in life, not that I thought I would make my mark in history but I really wanted to do something meaningful with my life, something that I am passionate about, but it doesn't seem like I'm heading that way. I wish I have the resource to do what I wanted.

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Desperate, Yes! But Housewives?!?

I guess I haven't really been alone for a long while, I'm really scared. I'm still hoping that he's gonna walk through the door at the end of the day with that smile on his face. I'm going insane here screaming inside.

He called me from a phone in the Buenos Aires airport today. I didn't know what to say, what's important enough to tell him on the phone that he didn't know already. Thank god, DC came down to spend half a day with me. I needed to get out of the house so bad. I can't stand to be alone anymore.

How much longer until the pain ends? The seven stages of grief has left me in depression, when's my acceptance and hope gonna set in? I knew he was gonna leave for a while, then why do I still feel so miserable?

How does one live alone? If only I can focus all my energy to think about the future and not the past.



"Family, there's nothing more important, they are the ones who's
who show up when we're in trouble, the ones who push us to succeed, the ones who help keep our secrets, but what of those who have no family to rely on? What happens to those poor souls who have no loved ones to help them in their hours of need? Well, most learned to walk life's rope by themselves, but a sad few of us simply stop trying..."

I wish I could learn how to walk life's rope by myself, I have serious doubts on what the purpose of my life is. I wish I wouldn't dwindle in self-pity right now.

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Picking Up The Pieces

"I had a dream. I dreamt that I had a boyfriend for 6 years. He was a decent, caring, funny, great, great man with all his perfect little flaws, everything I wanted in a man. I dreamt that we lived happily day after day in my little studio apartment, helping each other along, taking care of each other. I finally woke up today, and although I know that no two dreams can be the same, I wish that I could dream that dream again."

Principe is finally gone. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces. How can I honestly expect myself to face life without him? To be alone again, in my bed, reaching out for nothing, without his warmth near me? I'm terrified.

I wish life wouldn't be like that. I wish forever would just go by in a flash, instead these last months have been so dreadful, these last few days have been so dreadful. No amount of tears could have kept him here, that was not my goal. I wanted him to go and take care of his family, I didn't want the same thing that happened to me, happens to his kids. I don't want to be the other "woman" that ruined his family, but it just hurts so damn much.

What meaning does life has now? Without him, who am I? He said he will love me forever and I feel that I would do the same, but what is love if I can't be close to him and be with him for the rest of my life? If time heals all things, what amount of time could heal a wound this deep? I wish life is short.

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Nothing Like Home

Went on a mini-vaca with Principe to the glorious polluted shore of New Jersey, Atlantic City to be precise. It was his birthday, other than getting him a cake and sing "Happy Birthday" in Spanish, I thought "What better way to celebrate his last birthday/week with me?"

It's getting harder and harder when I'm counting my last days. Feel like maybe I wouldn't/couldn't feel this much in love anymore after he's gone. We packed 5 different set of clothes each for a two days trip and didn't even get to you most of them. Funny.

We got a wonderful suite at the Taj, went to have a mediocre buffet lunch, and then a marvelous dinner at Buddakan. But Principe managed to get food poinsoned along the way and got shivers all night. I was worried sick. Didn't know what to do since we are in a foreign town and Principe don't have any insurance and he was trembling the whole night through. Thank god he felt better after taking some advils and rested for a while. For a second, I pondered what will happen if he dies.

So we didn't get the chance to swim, with him not felling well. Although he grew quite fond of the slot machines and so I went for my Black Jack tables. Let's say neither of us did well. So we didn't had such a great time at all and we were both glad when we got home. But to end with a high note. He was really happy to have taken a lot of pictures, I was really happy to be able to spend some time with him, I meant ot splurge on him anyway, so to lose a few in the casino wasn't that bad.

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A Strange Request

Of all the strange things Principe bought for his return to Argentina, he asked me to look for a metal detector for him. Huh? Metal detector? i'm not talking about the airport security kind where they used it to scan your body, I'm talking about the kind where the white dudes use to scan for buried treasures on the beach or something.

I find them completely useless and reluctantly did my research for him on ebay. They costs approximately $300 and they occupy a lot of space in his luggage, not to mention it might get interpreted as a bomb and they might think he's a terrorist and haul him to Guantanamo, where he'll be spending the rest of his sorry life.

I thought by telling him the price and my reasonings against getting one of these useless piece of crap would deter him eagerness of getting one, but he was more than convinced that it would be tremendously beneficial to him, since there was a war and "a lot of people buried their gold during the war". Aye, I didn't realized that he was that "naive". I guess the metal detector is his reitrement plan, but still I will tell him that they won't ship it out on time.

Nine days until he'll depart from my life. It's down to the single digit, folks. I keep thinking he'll be out of my life for good, but technology is so advanced, he could call me or email me or video cam me. I keep wondering if it's better to have a clean cut and forget him or keep in touch with him.

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The Discovery of Bit Torrent

I feel quite ashamed since I am the IT manager of an organization, you would think that I should be current with all the latest technologies. But no, the lack of growing opportunities in this company has rendered me useless.

Of course I have heard of BitTorrent before, but I have never had any use for it until this week, when I realized that a whole new season of "Weeds" has commenced and somehow 4 episodes has leaked online (by the producers?). So I got the program and found a site where it is available, downloaded them and watched them. It is not even shown on Showtime yet. I got to watch all of them at once, it was heaven, I love that show so much!!!

I guess part of why I'm such a late followers for things is because the first followers are usually alpha or beta-testers in which they usually will encounter bugs that would ruined everything. One of the thing that I want to get into and existed for a long long time is World of Warcraft. Went to their websites and read a bit about the game and found it quite complicated. But I know this is the kind of game that I can lose my head with, it'll be perfect to get into after Principe has left. It'll get my mind off the separation.

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Mandy Moore's Umbrella

I wonder if I'll still like it this much if it was the original version.

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The Passing and The Past

At the time where my existing boyfriend is leaving, my ex started to resurface. This ex of mine is the crazy loony racist who only went out for me for three years, had an extremely bad breakup with me and stalked me for the following six years. he has constantly sending me angry voice and text message on the phone every once in a while telling me how angry he is that we broke up, asking me why all gay asians are such whores, and the classic "Have you realized what you will never be without me?" question. (by the way, the answer is "Happy!") Of course, he also made a lot of calls in the middle of the night and not saying a word. All with all the text and voice message and sly emails, i have never responded to him thinking that once he had lost interest, he would cease contacting me and he has for the past six months, which I was thankful.

So why did he start contacting me after giving me his "last warning" for my last chance to be his boyfriend again? In the last contacts, he texted me in the middle of the night to tell me that I should contact him because his health is deterioating and he wants to talk to me about something important. I wonder what it could be since when we dated he was recovering from depression and he was broke. I tried my best to cheer him up I even financially supported him for quite a while, despite he had a great paying job, but he was too busy paying back his debts. I even took out a loan for him in which he never paid me back. So what could it be that important that he needs to talk to me now?

I'm afraid to reopen this floodgate, I don't need all this trouble again, not when I'm dealing with my own life. I don't need another pile of shit on top of it.

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The Little Card That's Not Green

My green card official arrived. I started blogging right before I was applying for one and it only took 13 months, not too bad. While it should have been a joyous event, I was quite blazee about it. I guess I was expecting a little bit more, after all it is a hot topic right now with all the illegal immigrants being arrested and deported as we speak; Tons of people will kill to be in my position. But it was just a card, not even green.

This little card is gonna allow me to live and work in United States freely for the next 10 years. It means I can start looking for another job, since apparently I hate mine right now. It means I can move to another part of the country if I choose to. It's a nice luxury to have.

I'm thinking of sending my lawyer and his paralegal who handled my case some gift baskets. It's hard to find a place who has gift baskets and deliver them at the same time. 1-800-flowers and FTD are the only 2 places that does that. I'm thinking of a dessert tray for my lawyer and probably a spa gift bundle thing for the paralegal. Not that I'll ever need their console again but I guess it's a nice thing to do.

So I got the card, it'll be at least a nice excuse to get myself a piece of cake to 'celebrate'.

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3 Years

I've just got a notice which stating my green card application has went through. I'm excited about the news but at the same time I'm feeling very depressed that Principe is going to leave me within 3 weeks' time. I don't feel like doing much anymore, I just wanna rush home right after work, thinking to myself, if I can see Prinicpe's face just a minute more, it would have been better. It's quite sad, really.

In the process of thinking about my future, I've decided to give myself 3 years to wokr in the U.S. to save money and accumulated approximately 25 to 30 thousand dollars. Afterwards, I will try and apply to immigrate to Australia. That country seems to care more about their people, more social security, less prejudice and the weather seems to be pleasant all year round. I'm thinking more about Sydney, where there's a big Asian and Gay community, the golden coast is nearby and it's so close to Hong Kong.

The only thing is TV. I don't know if I can get used to all the new channels and program. I am addicted to American TV. Anyway, this is my plan right now.

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Packing Up

It's less than a month until Principe's leaving. I came homme from work today and saw him packing up his stuff like I told him to, but I didn't expect to see that much change and it started to sink in. He's gonna be leaving and I'm gonna be alone.

Of course, I knew that all along but to see the actual change, to understand the concept and to realize the reality is really different. I'm feeling really down and I don't know how long it'll take for me to climb back up. Twenty-three more days and I might not see him ever again, and then life goes on... When did things get so fucked up? I'll be alone and 32.

The worst thing about it is that we really love each other and I'll probably compare all my upcoming relationship with this one and get disappointed when the level of intimacy does not reach this level.

I need to clear my head.

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Wanderlust

Every few years after I have nestled into a new city and felt comfortable, I start to feel stale and tired and I think to myself: "Maybe it's time to go somewhere else."

That's how I'm feeling now. I talked about maybe moving to the Bay Area just as Baz Luhrmann had suggested. It'll be closer to people I know, and I would probably become a double majority. But I don't know if I'll feel that different in San Francisco, it's still America. Maybe I'll feel better about the next president, and the entire country would change to a more "civil" and "considerate" direction. But why not entertain myself with the thought of living in... Australia?

Chatted with a couple of net friends, and Australia seems to come up in conversation a lot. One guy who lives in that country told me that Sydney has one of the world's top living quality. DC once told me that his brother is in Australia and got to be a citizen just because he was a student and they get money from the government just for having a baby. And the more you make the more taxes you pay, so people are not they eager to work, which makes for a lot of time for them to go to the beach and surf. I'm no surfer, but it does sounds tempting to have a lot of free time to cruise about. I'll be a lot closer to Hong Kong.

I'd like to venture and see if that is entirely possible. I know I chose a bad time to think about this, after all, I'm in a process of applying for my green card and if all goes well, it'll be approved within six months. Do I really want to go through the whole thing with Australia? Given, it'll be a lot easier there. And I'm oh so afraid of snakes and Australia has the most number of poisonous snake in the world. But I bet bottom dollar that they don't show up in the cities. (I shudder just thinking about it) I'd say more research is needed.

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Personality Crash

Met up with someone I found online Saturday for coffee because we were both free and got bored. I don't know why but they never look like how they looked in their pictures. We get to talking about family and work situations. I felt like I got bombarded with one question after another, it was like an interview or seeing a therapist although I've never been to a therapist before but I imagine that's how it would be like. Frankly, I'm not used to all the attention.

But, I've rarely met someone as sociable as this guy before. Maybe it was just me keep it to myself for too long. He's definitely not my type and was really touchy-feely kinda guy and I've never had the venue where I would go on and on about myself. It was just so different in a very awkward kinda way.

Two people, one thinks small talks does not accomplish; the other thinks that everybody needs an outlet to express themselves. Neither of them is right or wrong. It's just different personalities.

A blogger posted this test and I took it as well and this is the result for me:

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Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Order of Pheonix

Well, let me disclose my crime to you. I enjoy going to the suburban multiplex, pay for one ticket, watch it and then sneaking to another movie, my own do-it-yourself-buy-one-get-one-free scheme. I know a lot of people do it too, but I enjoy the guilty feeling and excitement that associate with it. It satisfies the kleptomaniac in me. Judge me if you want, I don't care. How else can you justify paying $15 for a medium popcorn and a medium soda?

So along with the Simpsons, I watched Harry Potter; Another franchise that is red hot right now with its last installment of the book being released causing quite a stir. I haven't been reading the books so my concept of the development of the storyline is a little vague. It seems that the story has departed from the world of academy and quidditch and into a much darker, scarier plot.

Much like in the Simpsons, the government plays the villain of this episode as the prime minister of magic thinks that the comeback of Lord Voldemort is a fabrication from Dumbledore as an excuse for him to gain control of the magic world. A new administrator has been sent to the school in the form of a seemingly nice but vicious auntie which coincide my image for a right-wing extreme bible thumper. Dealing with death and visions of Voldemort's crime, Harry trains a new group of students to fight back.

It doesn't seem to be a children's novel anymore. It deals with death, loss, evil, cruelty and revenge. Not everything in the real world is just and you can't trust people especially if they are in power. Of course it's ture and every grown up knows that but it's just sad to be reminded. It is also as upset to have a government so corrupted and false to affect so many screenwriters to write anti-government messages into movies. Isn't it enough that they are screwing up our environment in general? Do I have to be reminded of them when all I want is to watch a movie to relax and be entertained? Anyway, the special effects are great, the movie is nice, but not outstanding. C+

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Movie Review: The Simpsons Movie

Of course, everyone who's writing a review of The Simpsons Movie have to mention how they have been huge fans of the TV series or how significant it is to the American culture in general and honestly, who doesn't love The Simpsons?

The story is about borderline retarded Homer adopted a pig and dumped its waste in Lake Springfield against the wishes of Marge and environmentaly concerned Lisa. The waste turned Lake Springfield into an environmental disaster and the government leads by President Arnold Schwarzenegger has developed a giant glass shield to cover all of Springfield to contain the pollution. Chased by his fellow Springfielders, the Simpsons escaped through a wormhole and decided to move to Alaska while the government announced its plan to destroy the town and make it the site to the new Grand Canyon. Meanwhile, the Simpsons family is at the point of falling apart due to Homer's shenanigans. Bart having been humiliated by Homer one too many times, secretly wishes to be adopted by the Flanders. So while Homer refuses to ever go back to Springfield, the rest of the family left him and go back to Springfield. It took an epithany for Homer to realize what he has done wrong and the Simpsons reunited and returned to save the day. (Did I gave away too much?)

I think the writers of the movie are pretty comfortable with the fact that the viewers have all seen and are deeply familiar with almost every characters of the show, so we don't see a lot of character development. I would have loved to see more of Crusty, Apu or Principal Skinner, but everything is focused on family interactions. We don't see big musical numbers with clever lyrics like we use to, instead there are a lot of political jokes. Funny, yes but I'm also feeling some important elements missing, though I still had a good time.

I'm have to say I'm slightly disappointed, but I'm hoping to go to a nearby Kwik-E-Mart soon so I'm not missing some major components of the whole Simpsons experience.

P.S. The best quote of the movie comes from President Scwarzenegger: "I'm elected to lead, not to read." C+

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My Gay Asian Mentality

Throughout the years, I've met tons of people on gay social websites. Honestly and surprisingly, not everyone on those sites wants sex. Some of us really just want to make friends with similar backgrounds in similar situations, so I get to know a lot of people. Especially Asians, we have a respectable amount of Gay Asians here in the city but the majority of them lacks masculinity and they all wants to be picked up by some rich, older white guys.

I do understand part of it. When I first came out, I didn't know anything about 'being gay'. I knew I like boys, but that's about it. I don't know who's gay and where to meet them, I remember going to a gay club when they opened at 7:00 pm and nobody was there other than the staff and then rushed home thinking to myself that there are not really that many gay people around. I wandered around greenwich village looking for gay people and establishments but not finding any because I didn't have a gaydar back then.

An internet acquaintance was saying how he hates when othe Asians go to bar and stand in a corner acting all lonely and sad, how they don't socialize and avoid other Asians, like they are only their to cruise and nothing else. I have to admit I do act like that in a bar as well, that's why I hate going to bars, I simply don't know how to act. As a matter of fact, I still don't know how to 'cruise'. I usually do things for a purpose, and I'm taught not to look or stare at people on the streets and what other people do is none of my business. So I would never realize if othe people are looking at me. Sometimes, my friends would tell me that someone was staring at me after the fact, which I did not notice and probably would never know if they didn't tell me.

My first boyfriend was much older than me. He taught me pretty much everything about the gay culture. Now I know that people don't appear in bars until 11 at night or even later. But it comes with a cost, these "rice queens" are a special bunch of people. Generally, they have a pre-existing concept on how Asians are; docile, innocent followers and when they find out that this is not the reality they get disappointed. Some uses financial security to tie down an Asian trophy boyfriend in exchange of emotional support, given it is probably one of the most common version of marriage but that's far from real love.

Older white guys look for younger Asian boyfriends because they are much easier to acquire and the young gay Asians lack the self-confidence to find a younger counterpart and self-respect to rely on themselves financially. Maybe I'm just saying this out of jealousy, god knows it'll be so much easier to rely on somebody else, but then look at Anna Nicole and see how far it has gotten her. I just find being my own sugar daddy much more reliable.

The forementioned exboyfriend was a jerk and a racist, he first made a lot of racist comments about the Blacks and then towards Asians as well. He must be, how can you decide you will only be romantically interested with members of one race of people and not be racist? Just like Avenue Q's song "Everyone's A Little Bit Racist", I'm racist too, but my point is I rather be loved for the person I am and not for my skin color or the perception of who I am or how I should act.

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If Food = Love Then Food Contrains = Conditional Love

I have yet another theory. It is not uncommon for people to equate food as love psychologically; my grandma constantly feed us to show her affection and a bunch of people growing stuffing their face whenever they feel sad. I have to admit that this is part of the reason why I have been overweight, so I find people with self-inflicted dietary constaints very strange.

Well, let me clarify that. I understand the part about food allergies or medical requirted dietary change, but people like vegetarians or people that simply won't eat a particular kind of meat, or seafood is a bit strange for me in concept. Principe won't eat pork or shrimp or anything remotely hard like nuts or even portabella mushrooms.

For me love is all inclusive, to put constraint on love makes it conditional. It is not love anymore, it is trading, a bargain of sorts. I don't know if it makes sense, but people with dietary constrains always has some kinda odd personality. They seems to be more self centered, everything is about their choices and their likings. They seem to define themselves more of what they wouldn't do than what they would do and often disregard other people's preferences. Their constrain becomes a rule not only for themselves but for other around them as well, other people are constantly being reminded of what this person can't have and have to make changes so this person won't be offended. Does this person have those restraint just because he/she needed the attention?

I eat almost everything and I'm damn proud of it. Brought some stir fried shrimp once to an office gathering and my colleagues looked at me like I was trying to poison them, "We don't eat shrimps!" they said. A lot of people won't eat sushi and if you're bringing them to a restaurant other than a diner or a fast food restaurant, be prepare to explain everything to them. Aw... what a bore... have some adventerous spirit, try something new in your life. God forbit you might like it, and if you don't at least you'll know from then on. Quit hiding yourself from the world and explore a little!

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Viral Video: Human Tetris

About I was browsing YouTube and saw these funny Japanese game show clips and found them really silly and funny but didn't really think anything of it. But then apparently this show has created quite a hype, my friend sent me and email about them and it has become one of the most viewed series. So her they are, I especially like the big guy who keeps breaking every single one of them. There's two ways to play the game and he apparently found the better way.

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The Big Gay Movie Festival (Part 2)

I just finished my last 5 movies and the better two happen to be foreign films.

Le Ciel Sur La Tete (Things Have Been Better) is about a successful son coming out to his parents and the consequences in towed. Jeremy has just been promoted to be the next bank manager of a prominent bank in Paris and he has paid a visit to his parents in the country to tell them the good news, plus the fact that he's gay and moving in with his boyfriend. His mother, Rosine is a reporter for a local news paper while his charming and cheerful left-wing father, Guy, is the CEO of a technology company. Shocked, the mom tries to consult his bitchy middle-aged bitter queen of a colleague and decided to love his son as usual, but the father is having a helluva hard time accepting that fact. He can't figure out what went wrong of his son's upbringing and his idiotic colleagues made it a whole lot worse. Soon arguments ensued, and his family is falling apart. The movie is very charming and studded with a lot of well written characters and a lot of laughs. It focuses more on the receivers of the news than the gay couple themselves, which is a nice change of pace. We forget the world around us sometimes. B

Cover Boy - The Last Evolution: I had a very hard time getting my head around this one. Ioan grew up in Romania and witnessed the death of his father when he was a child during the revolution of his country. His friend urge him to go to Rome together to look for better opportunities. After his friend get arreated, he stumbled in Rome looking for work and a place to sleep. Michele, a janitor of the train station took him in his apartment in exchange for part of the rent and companionship. Both Ioan and Michele had a hard time making ends meet, with Ioan on the edge of being arrested for not having a work permit and Michele getting fired first all the time because of the bad economy and he doesn't have a family to feed. They developed a strong bond as friends, and vow that one day they will open their own restaurant called 'Ioan and Michele'. One day on the street, Ioan got discovered by a female photographer and becomes a model but he has to move to Milan for the job. Michle is left alone still trying to make his ends meet. When Ioan has made enough money and going back to find Michele, all has changed. Cover boy is a sad story about loss and poverty as well as what people will do to survive. The only thing is, I don't really know if this qualifies as a gay film. It is too subtle and hidden that it could have been a film about two friends. I'm however always drawn to a good sad story though. B-

Turn around and I'm 32, aye...

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The Big Gay Movie Festival (Part 1)

The international gay film festival is going on in town and of course, I got the ten pass again this year. Watched half of it and I've walked out on only one. I understand that gay films usually have really small budget, and not much can be expected of them but having said that, they are a lot better than I've expected. Maybe gay films have become more main stream, thanks for Brokeback Mountain.

The main focus this year is RuPaul's Starrbooty. A tongue-in-cheek comedy reminiscing of late 70's Blaxploitation film. RuPaul plays Starrbooty (think Foxy Brown) an ex-supermodel of the world turns top secret agent who tries to rescue her niece from her nemesis Annaka Manners, who kidnap hookers on the streets, cut them apart and sell the body parts to the aging upper class. So Starrbooty went and become a "undercover ho" as she tries to rescue her niece. The film tries to be as campy as possible with shocking images sprinkled all over the movie like fairy dust. With various sex jokes, scat humor and body parts, as Mecca Revlon had put it, it's very "Gag you just for gagging's sake's, serve you just to serve." RuPaul was there in full drag and did a little runway show for us as she introduced the cast as well as an after Q&A section. It is hard not to pay attention to her, she's a 7 feet tall drag queen in a big platinum blond afro wig. Compare to her, Ari Gold, Gus Mattox, Michael Lucas and Mike Ruiz seemed small and insignificant. Michael Lucas the big media whore and attention monger that he is has to take off his shirt and show us half his penis to get the applause and approval that he so desperately seeks. What insecure man would need to do that? Sad really. I never liked him much, he seemed so arrogant and fake. He must have begged to be in the movie, he does have a huge penis though. C+

The one movie that I really love is called Shelter and I am not exaggerating when I say I love this movie, I LOVE it!!! I can compare it to my all time favorite gay film - Beautiful Thing. It's a movie about a teenage surfer boy trying to cope with his own sexuality while taking care of his father and his older sister's son. Living in San Pedro, California, Zach has to take care of his nephew since his father is disabled and his sister Jeanie's boyfriend ran off ever since he found out that Jeanie was pregnant. Jeanie who cares more about her own social life than anything, constantly manipulates and guilts him into babysitting for her, while she spends most of her time away from her own child. For these reasons, Zach has abandoned his own needs and thoughts about what he could do with his artistical talents and focus to make ends meet. Other than babysitting and holding down his job in a diner, he hangs out at the beach with his friends and surf. When his best friend's brother comes back into town, a relationship starts to emerge with Zach and this old acquaintance. The story is so beautifully told that I almost cried. God, what wouldn't I give to have a relationship like this? His sister keeps him grounded, discouraging him to go to art school, so he can take care of her son. And him sacrificing himself just for the sake of the 'family'. These concepts are too foreign to me. Everybody should go see it. A

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80 Things I Remembered About Paris

I lived in Paris for 7 years between the age of 3 and 10. I thought that it was important for me to capture some memories I still have before I forget all of them. So this is what I remember during that time:

The little dingy apartment northeast of Champs-Elysees; Lots of dog poop; My crazy eccentric mean step-grandmother; Her pronunciation of Police in Chinese "BoLeiSi" which means "Glass Shit"; The much nicer two bedroom apartment on Rue Beaudoin; The trash shoot; The painted yellow giraffe in the orange water closet; The douche in the bathroom; Swimming in the bathtub; Talking to the little girl living next door through our balconies; The dog and cat that my grandma kept; The field of grass between the buildings; The black guy who broke in and kissed my mom; My father; His lavishly decorated Chinese restaurant which was once on TV; Being too nervous to sing the ABC song in front of him and then get called stupid at the age of 3; The Chinese restaurants' association; The seemingly nice lady Polish lady called Barbara sitting outside my father's restaurant who smiled at me, which my mom called her the "Evil Fox Seductress" (home-breaker/slut); Sleeping in 6 restaurants chairs lined up like a bed while my mom have late night card and mahjong games with the other Chinese restaurants owners; Buying Triple 5's for my grandma; One of the restaurant owners named her daughter "Puppette" and makes a mean Chinese salad with wood ear in her restaurant in Nation across a slaughter house; Dumping the whole can of fish food in one of my mom's friend's aqaurium and getting beat senseless for it; Gallette des Rois and the crown (Why can't I ever be the king?); Crepe stands on the street; Coconut and Pistachio ice cream; Swirling trash flying in the air in an outdoor shopping center (Very American Beauty); The Chinese groceries stores who sells "Big Buns" and rents out Chinese TV shows; Our VCR; Inpector Gadget; Watching Bambi and "Le Soupe de Choux" in a movie theatre; Listening to a lot of Prudence Tsui and Teresa Teng; Sitting on the floor of the supermarket and reading Smurfs comic books and children magazines; Eating chocolate sundaes in the supermarket's restaurant; Seeing dead rabbits hanging on a meat vendor's rack on a open air market underneath the Metro next to Place D'Italia (That's my Chinese Zodiac symbol and my favorite animal); The light board in the metro where I press things just to see it lit up; Pressing the stop button on an escalator to see what it does (Not Recommended); My mom's Singer sewing machine; The bull costume and the chef costume she made for me during day of LaFontaine; Asking my mom for a Superman's cape and get a detective cape outfit instead; My Bally shoes; My Mickey Mouse watch; The smell of Chanel; Going into Christian Dior; Lido and Moulin Rouge; The folding peacock in my mom's cocktail; Constantly causing trouble and get summoned to the principal's office again and again; Being teased by other boys and get into fights; Being invited for Fanny's 7th birthday party; Giving my teacher a Pierre Cardin scarf for my teacher for teacher's day; Making our own chocolate croissant with a croissant and a little bit of chocolate at school; Being bullied and one of them fuckers stole my electronic game; Seeing him play it across the street from my apartment outside my favorite patisserie; The baguette and buttery, flaky mini baguette that they sell; My toy accordion; My raggedy Andy bedsheet (Does anyone else think that Raggedy Andy looks too feminine?); My Monchichi stuffed monkey; Lego; The crying clown marionette hanging from a store; The moonlit bus trip to Luxemburg, Belgium, Lyons, Marseille and Nice with my mom; Skipping school again and again to go to London, Amsterdam, Monaco and Roma; Fireworks; Mont St. Michel and their buttery cookies; Cow tongue sandwiches; My own little leather suitcase; Spending a summer on my tonton Albert's country home; Going to the beach and catching escargots with my cousin; Eating them; Artichokes; Having an opera cake for my eighth birthday; The chocolate bar that have different animals on it; The art and craft book that my uncle buys and then he cut the pages out and made them into a house; The fights between my mom and my father; My mom asking me to go to the tool box and grab a hammer when my father's around so I can knock him on the head when they do fight; Me actually grabbing a hammer and waiting when he comes around again; My mom getting sick; The acupuncturist's visits; I told my tutor how my mom called her Pineapple Chicken (which means "Depends on the stickiness", which means she takes advantage of others, but I didn't know what it means back then so she flipped); My mom's hospital stays; Doing laundry and cooking for myself; Bringing My mom food from her friends' restaurants while I ate the hospital food; Going to a broken pay phone outside the hospital so we can call Hong Kong for cheap; Wearing pajamas to school thinking it was ok; Red anthuriums and tearing them to see if they are made of plastic.

Maybe it wasn't entirely happy, but it's the only period where I spend with my mom so I do cherish these memories.

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Japanese Humor

Here's a clip of slapstick Japanese humor:

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Lately...

I finally made up my mind to go back to the gym. Hell, I was paying $69/month for the membership, I might as well use it right? No more nose bleeds, no more strep throat, so I guess I don't have much excuse not to go there. So I spent couple days in the gym already, but I don't really want to jinx it. My schedule is three times a week after work with the occasional Sunday Yoga, if I can wake up early that is. Why don't they have any classes on Sunday afternoon.

On top of that the Gay and Lesbian Film Festival is coming up next week. I got tickets for 10 movies. DC usually accompany me every year to the shows, but since JEW is around, I don't think he will join me much. I guess it's for the better.

It's been so hot these few days, I really don't wanna be outside much. Since I got so addicted with Puzzle Pirates, time goes real fast. A friend is also forcing me to get a webcam, but I really don't wanna do that yet. Pushy people...

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Missing Home

I had a rare chance to chat with my girlfriend last night to catch up on the latest news of our mutual friends and recount the past. With all their busy life, it's hard to get people to come together and see each other. But then she told me the problem is some of the friendships has fallen apart and when you invite one of them, the other might not show up because they might not want to see each other.

It's the classic story, really. Two guys wanting the same girls and then one of them got her, and the other gets jealous. Why do they think there's only one girl out there? Why not expand your circle? Half of the human population are girls. Former best friends goes at odds because of one girl. That's just dumb.

Recounting my past how I've fought with my then best friend for some misundertandings, it does seem completely silly. If I see him now, maybe I would give him a nod or a smile, but I don't know if we can reverse the damage.

God, I miss my friends and Hong Kong.

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Connections

I finally got high speed internet from Comcast, what can I do? There are really not much choices out there. I was waiting for the citywide wireless service to come around, but they are moving quite slow. I hate the monopolizer that marks everything way high, but (exhale) I have to play my games online.

So I'll probably be online a lot more and it'll be way more convenient when I need random information. Try to marinade some cucumber and carrot vietnamese-style, I think I know how, but I can never be too sure. So it's convenient like that. I use to do all my online activities at work or the coffee shop round the corner. I guess this will allow me to stay home a lot more.

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DC Rant

This time I'm talking about my trip to Washington DC instead of my friend DC. Actually I was quite looking forward to go to Washington this past Friday with Principe. Since the city is still abit new to me, I was looking forward to get to know the place better. On our way to DC, there was this asshole sitting behind me. I don't call people asshole this easily, but this guy just got on my nerve so much. It's the kicking of my chair for half the trip, given I never lower my seat, I find that inconsiderate. But not only that, this guy trashed his seat and the empty chairs behind him with his cup of soda, fast food wrappings and boxes, it's like a hurricane have blown the trash through. And then he yelled at a baby's mother because the baby was crying. "Give him a bottle or something, people can't sleep." Though the baby didn't even cry for an entire minute. What an asshole, I thought to myself, as he pushes his way off the bus. Sometimes, I wish I have the recklessness of punching people on their face, before thinking about the consequences.

DC was rainy. Principe has his heart on getting his passport, but when we get there, they say they can't do it until the end of August, and she told us to be there at 9am. Why can New York's embassy do it and not Washington DC's? "It's a different procedure." That explains it... Instead of coming over the night before and spending money on hotel room, I told Principe to just pretend we are from the states under New York's embassy's area. I used to live in Rhode Island, we'll go to New York next time and use that address. Just use a different voice and hopefully they won't be able to recognize him.

We walked around Adams Morgan, Dupont Circle and had lunch afterwards, there is actually nothing much to see. The chinatwon in DC don't have basic essentials like barbershop and pastry shops anywhere, which leads me to believe that it's there just for show. I've heard there's a big Chinese community across the river on Virginia's side. We ended up coming home early because there's nothing much to do there. Home is always better anyway.

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Rant of the Day

I don't really know if this is true but I think my antibiotics are making me skinnier. I suffer from a loss of appetite and I can't keep anything in me for a long time.

Went to have dinner with DC last night, I hate how it feels like we are not friends whenever JEW is in town. But when he's gone, he calls me when he doesn't want to be alone and I feel obligated to be with him because I'm a good friend. He's either a slave to JEW (and it sounds that way.) Or JEW told him that I'm a bad influence, and he shouldn't hang out with me as much. Either way DC is a wuss.

So I guess me and Principe is going to Washington tomorrow, what is there to do in Washington? I'm not really into monuments and such, what do people do there? I've been to a bar called secrets and it was pretty exciting, but I didn't stay there for long. What else is there? I probably should do some in-depth research online. Whatever.

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Open Book

I think I plan and expect too much and when things don't go as I assume they would, I get surprised and shocked. I don't know how I have grown to be like this. I sudden unexpected tap on my back would send me jumping in the air so high that it's down right unnatural. Maybe I've been by myself so much that I've grown to be highly sensitive to human contact, It's all in my head and I can't see how to reverse want has been done.

While I'm comfortable building my circle through the web, sometimes I wonder what small talks could accomplish. I have gorwn impatient to hear other people's ranting, but I understand the hyprocrisy of me leting my steam out online. At least, I'm not expecting anyone to read and respond to what I have to say. Sometime it's surprising how much people know about me and my personality, given I intentionally avoid to leave tracks.

A casual lesbian friend of mine went me with me to see Cirque du Soleil once, we met through work and got friendly with each other. When she saw me browsing for a souvenir T-shirt, she says "This is so you, it says Cirque du Soleil but it's shhh!" The words are almost in the same color as the background of the T-shirt. I was a bit surprised on how much she knows about me, we have only known each other for weeks.

Some online friend called me a "serial monogomist" from minimal conversation that we have. Am I ready that easy to read? I must have overestimated my own complexity.

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My Days of Decadence

These days I'm really not doing much. After I get up and go out of the door, I get some Vietnamese hoagies for lunch. Check my e-mails and various on-going conversations with people online, respond to them. Read all the various blogs I'm following, maybe write another entry for my own. Reading some other articles of interest, maybe research a little bit about things that I have discovered. All this while listening to my music or some podcasts.

All the bakery in Chinatown sells Vietnamese hoagies now, it's a nice treat and they only sell them for $1.50 to $2.50 each. It got some thin slice of meat, pickled vegetables, cilantro and chilli inside soft crusty bread. not bad at all.

In the afternoon, I get on Puzzle Pirates and play my heart out. Obsessing about puzzles, especially the carpentry one, I can't stop thinking about it.

These days are completely unproductive and it's time that I would never gain back. Hey, but if they pay me to seat on my chair and play games. Who am I to complain?

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Father Issues

While Principe had a sex dream last night, me and another friend had nightmares of broken relationships. Mine was with my father, a man that a haven't spoken to for years and haven't seen for at least 15 years.

Whenever I dreamt of someone, I often thinks that might be something wrong happening to them. Maybe he passed away? He is old, maybe pushing 70? I have little information on that man. He was a dead beat, and we've met about 10 times for the past 20 years. But I still wonder sometimes of how much he thinks of me. Maybe he don't even remember most of the time that he's got a son. He's still living with Paris with a Polish woman named Barbara and I'm pretty sure he's got kids, probably in their 20s. Half brothers and sisters, now that's a thought. I'm glad our family name doesn't have to end just because I'm gay.

When I was younger, I thought I would buy a ticket to Paris and kill the bastard or at least punch him in the face and leave. Nobody would know I did it. Though he's getting old and I'm above harming a helpless old man, but the thought of revenge is tempting. He never offered any financial help, at least that's what grandma told me. When I wanted to study abroad, grandma told me to write him a letter and see if he would help me out, which is one of the most embarassing things I have to consciously do in my life. But then I got a letter back saying that he has no extra funds, since he has a family to support. He has a family to support, I guess I know where I stand in his life. The funny thing is he called me later on asking whether I can get a letter for him proving that I'm studying abroad, so he can get his tax deducted. How a person can have the balls to do that is way beyond me. Do not offer any help but get any benefit out of it while he can, wow!

I wonder if he'll leave me anything when he dies and if he does, I wonder if his family would let that portion to go to me. At least I would have something for having a father.

If my grandma didn't take me back to HK, I would be living in a boarding school in France. I would be wallowing everyday thinking to myself how much I hate my father. I would be teased by the other kids because I'm Asian, which happened when I was studying there. I would smoke, use drugs, get into fights and be a rebellious prick. Probably be disowned by 16. In that different life, I'll be way thinner, maybe prostituting myself for a living. Maybe it'll be way more glamorous being a thin male prostitute in Europe. Strange how life turns out.

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Keeping My Tonsils

Last Friday when I was going to New York a sudden sharp pain was in my throat and since I woke up early that day, I thought the lack of sleep brought on my strep throat for the fourth time. I had problems swallowing, but it does not feel as severe and by yesterday it felt tremendously better. I still went to the doctor anyway, better sooner than later I thought, but then I found out that he's on vacation this week.

I somehow never thought that my doctor would go on vacation, it's just something that I never thought about. So then I went to my ENT specialist and he told me that it's tonsillitis. I guess the multiple time that I had strep throat has overworked my tonsils and they are now swollen and irritated. My main doctor told me if I get strep again, he'll take my tonsils out, and my colleague joked that it'll make me sterile, so I'm glad we didn't have to do that. Medications are prescribed, strange ones. Hopefully, it will go away soon. The coughing is getting to be annoying.

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These Few Days

Been quite busy these few days, I had to go to New York with Principe to renew his passport. So we woke up bright and early on Friday to headed for the city. Then we headed for Mitsuwa in Edgewater, NJ, but we took the wrong bus and passed by what I think to be Weehawken with the largest and longest strip of Hispanic establishments I've ever seen, right next to Calle Ocho of Miami. Of course, Principe was really excited. I don't think he had seen so many people speaking his language all in one place since he's been in US. After a change of bus and an hour later, we finally got to Mitsuwa and had lunch when he got a phone call from the embassy that they won't be able to process his passport because our state of residence is under the management of the Washington D.C. office. Why does it matter anyway? New York is closer for us and they could have told us when we were there. So we went back to pick up his passport and headed over to Century 21 to shop for clothes. I didn't get much out of the day, at least I bought some comic books and I got be with him for another day. I'm gonna miss him so much when he's gone.

Saturday, I spent some time with ES. She put KEL with her husband so she can spent some time away from home. Funny, coz when I called her in the morning her husband sounded surprise to hear that she'll be joining me for lunch. She brought her new baby though, YAL is exactly one month old. We went for the all-you-an-eat seafood/sushi buffet. She's telling me how she's hungry all the time since she's feeding her baby. It was nice to catch up with her. Then I went to a street fair and bought a DVD, some coins and a necklace for Principe.

It's so hard to find true love, and mine is going away soon. I wish it were different but this is life's humor, is it not?

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Nothing Lasts Forever

Well, the porn star couple that I admired, Francois and Francesco, have seemingly broke apart. They no longer have links to the others blog anymore. Nothing has been said, but apparently they are apart. That's quite sad. It reminds me how things, especially beautiful things, don't last long. They get too much attention and eventually get exploited. Some say beautiful things have self-destructive fates, maybe it's too isolating to be beautiful. Anyway, I wouldn't know.

Inevitably, life goes on. That's what I'm telling myself with my boyfriend's upcoming departure from my life as I looking to purchase a return flight ticket for him online. I've been preparing for it for so long that I'm ready, maybe I would feel somewhat amiss if he's not. Seperation and loneliness, I guess I can never be ready enough. But I guess it open up another array of opportunities.

Lately, I have heard rumors about a drastic change in my job situation and I'm bored. I don't think I want to work here anymore. I don't think I want to work in the non-profit sector, I don't even think I want to do IT anymore. Maybe a change in my career path is in order. But in order to change my career path maybe I should go back to school for another degree to back it up. Something creative like advertising for a change? Should I get a MBA, it seems to be so hot right now. How would I finance it?

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Kashi = Good Eats

I used to think that health food taste blend or flavorless, I guess Kashi has proved me wrong. My colleague has bought some GoLean Crunch cereal with honey almond flax once and ate them as snack food and she let me tried a bit and it was love at first taste. It has replaced my all time favorite cereal the cinnamon crunch and I have been eating it since. What I like about it is that it taste pleasantly sweet and very satisfying. It fills my stomach up as breakfast or afternoon snack and I don't need to snack anymore for the rest of the day.

Kashi has also came up with another fine product in the market shelf - TLC Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Chewy Cookie. It has become my newest addiction. They say it's healthy but I buy them solely for the taste. Moist oatmeal cookies with real chocolate chips, and lots of it too. Sure, it's seedy and got tons of fiber but if it got chocolate chip in it I can eat anything. Cookies are lumpy to start with, so the fiber just kinda got masqueraded in them. Two or three of them can feel me up for a long time. Although they don't come cheap, they are about $3.50 to $4.50 a box and I can go through 3 - 5 box in a week and since they are new to the market they can be hard to find. I should probably learn some self control, eh?

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Music Review - Adam Joseph's "How I Seem to Be"

Being a loyal listener to the Podcast of "Gay Pimpin' with Jonny McGovern", it's hard to notice this musical talent behind the show. Of course, there are other talents on the show as well, but one could really scarcely miss the soulful tunes of Adam Joseph. It's hard to make R&B and Soul pleasant. It is meant to be highly emotional, dramatic, but Adam managed to put an element of cool and ease into it.

Jonny mused that Adam Joseph is a black lady. "If you like Mary J. Blige, you'll like Adam Joseph. If you like Jill Scott, you'll like Adam Joseph. If you like Angie Stone, you'll like Adam Joseph." That proves to be true in my case. "How I Seem To Be" was released in 2003, with 9 regular and a bonus track. The whole album contains a lounge feel, soothing, relaxing, non-confrontational. Who knew indepedent music can be of such high quality.

This CD is only available at CDBaby.com, which by the way provided the most pleasant CD buying experience I have ever had. I like it, it's pleasant. "B"

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Game Review: Final Fantasy XII

I have to say that I'm a little bit behind the curve when this game was released March 2006 in Japan and November 2006 in US. I just got around to buy it and play it for the very first time because I know it will consume me like a monster and I was playing some other games back then, but what a glorious feeling it is to finally play it for the first time.

I guess I wasn't really expecting it to be a lot different from any other RPGs. I love RPG games and after playing tons of games on my PS2, I kinda realized its limitations, but I was pleasantly surprised and shocked after playing with it for the first hour. The graphics is so sharp and dazzling that I feel no other games has been able to this level of detail. (Maybe Neverhood is the other one that equals it) Gone is the annoying long load time, and so much movie sequences in that little disc. How is that possible? It makes me wonder why the other games before this has such small contents.

For anyone who has played the previous Final Fantasy installments, the learning grid has changed into another format which every character doesn't have a set in job. Every character can be a mage, a ninja, or a heavy knight. Guys can be the magic casters while girls can chop down your enemies with brute strength. This installment has a lot of side jobs to be completed, and it feels a lot more open so that players with different gameplay styles can enjoy it as well. But then you can't really play it without a proper guide. There's too much to learn and you can only get certain items or equipments if you fulfill some very specific requirements.

All in all it's a great game. I think I'll need to spend at least 150 hours in it. It's a solid "A" for me!

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Bad Dogs

It's been strange this weekend. Went out for a few times, and people has been hurrying past me a few times and once they got in front of me they slow down to block my way. Why?

A lady in the supermarket rushed past me to go on the express lane and had tons of stuff in her cart asked for a price check for a can of tomato sauce. The check out guy just let her be disregarding that she exceeded the numbers of item required for that lane. Meanwhile, I only had one pack of turkey breasts. How rude. So I let the bag of turkey breast and huffed away.

Maybe I'm just growing impatient, but people are so blatant sometimes.

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Overdosing Myself

Well, Principe and I got strep throat about 6 weeks ago. I went to the doctor and he prescribed me some Penicillin, but since Principe don't have any insurance, I talked to the doctor that work with me and he wrote me a big prescription with enough medication that would last me for a year.

Then two weeks ago, my strep throat came back and I got a refill and got rid of it once again. Apparently it didn't clear up and this week it came back to bite me a third time. Well, the first time came by my doctor wrote me up a script for Pennicilin 250 mg for 10 days, but the one who works with me suggested 500 for 7 days. So I've been taking the 7 days version for the first two times. But when I saw the doctor this week he suggested double dosage, which in his mind means 500 mg for 10 days and in my head it translated to 1000 mg for 10 days. So I've been popping two pills each time, until I found out what went wrong. My doctor said, "you are big enough, you can take 500mg"

I mean it couldn't be that bad, since Penicillin itself is pretty harmless, but it sure had screwed me up and I wonder if I would develop any resistance in my body and maybe I'll develop some sort of strange disease or breakouts. I got a huge pimple on my face and I think it might be due to the fever I had or something. So unattractive. Anyway, I'm glad I found out early and now I should probably take the lower dosage. But would it be as effective now since I've overdosed?

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Street Cred

I don't know why, but I have an affinity for murals, and graffiti arts. It represents freedom for me, freedom of expression, everything can be a canvas. It's so rebelious, but at the same time they entertain the eye so much more than those rude, imposing advertising everywhere peddling for consumerism.

On the back of street signs, on the corner newspaper box, there are creatures, words, shadows and expressions - stimulating interests and sparking reactions. Around town, I have been seeing these funny, well drawn, colorful characters everywhere. It always put a smile on my face when I see them. I would love to find out who created them and urge him to be the next big animator or at least print them on T-shirts so I can own one.

The street should be the biggest arena where people can express themselves freely like ancient Rome. Keith Haring, one of my personal hero, started his art in New York painting in the subway wall raising the awareness on HIV and homosexuality. The self-proclaimed "King of Kowloon" Mr. Tsang calligraphed his personal history in the walls of Hong Kong and inspired a new generation of art and calligraphers.

It is art, it beautifies and inspires, it is freedom on another level. Taking back the rules and laws set by others, breaking limitation, expressing what it means to be really living.

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