Father Issues

While Principe had a sex dream last night, me and another friend had nightmares of broken relationships. Mine was with my father, a man that a haven't spoken to for years and haven't seen for at least 15 years.

Whenever I dreamt of someone, I often thinks that might be something wrong happening to them. Maybe he passed away? He is old, maybe pushing 70? I have little information on that man. He was a dead beat, and we've met about 10 times for the past 20 years. But I still wonder sometimes of how much he thinks of me. Maybe he don't even remember most of the time that he's got a son. He's still living with Paris with a Polish woman named Barbara and I'm pretty sure he's got kids, probably in their 20s. Half brothers and sisters, now that's a thought. I'm glad our family name doesn't have to end just because I'm gay.

When I was younger, I thought I would buy a ticket to Paris and kill the bastard or at least punch him in the face and leave. Nobody would know I did it. Though he's getting old and I'm above harming a helpless old man, but the thought of revenge is tempting. He never offered any financial help, at least that's what grandma told me. When I wanted to study abroad, grandma told me to write him a letter and see if he would help me out, which is one of the most embarassing things I have to consciously do in my life. But then I got a letter back saying that he has no extra funds, since he has a family to support. He has a family to support, I guess I know where I stand in his life. The funny thing is he called me later on asking whether I can get a letter for him proving that I'm studying abroad, so he can get his tax deducted. How a person can have the balls to do that is way beyond me. Do not offer any help but get any benefit out of it while he can, wow!

I wonder if he'll leave me anything when he dies and if he does, I wonder if his family would let that portion to go to me. At least I would have something for having a father.

If my grandma didn't take me back to HK, I would be living in a boarding school in France. I would be wallowing everyday thinking to myself how much I hate my father. I would be teased by the other kids because I'm Asian, which happened when I was studying there. I would smoke, use drugs, get into fights and be a rebellious prick. Probably be disowned by 16. In that different life, I'll be way thinner, maybe prostituting myself for a living. Maybe it'll be way more glamorous being a thin male prostitute in Europe. Strange how life turns out.