Showing posts with label Directions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Directions. Show all posts

House Hunting

>> Thursday, March 08, 2012


I have always wanted to own my own place. Whether it is a condo, duplex, a trinity or a house, having something of my own had always been a lifelong dream.

Hanging out with my Asian crew, I've learned that owning properties is how people get to comfortably retire. My friend Alan, his wife and their parents invest to buy properties, spend tens of thousands to revamp and then either sell it for profits or rent it out. His retirement plan is to rent out about 6 properties and get paid a few thousand dollars a month, it's definitely more than my salary for sure. Since everyone is moving into the vicinity of my friend and I do want to be able to hangout with them often without being driven back and forth, I'm looking into the neighborhood in deep South Philly.

The couple is wired into the market in South Philly and every time something come into the market, they get alerted and go assess if that's something with investment potential. After telling them that I'm in the market for my first home, they scouted around and found this little gem with a drop dead price. It's advertised as a 3 bedroom with 1.5 bath for $70,000, less than $300 a month. Just for the price, I should definitely buy it. Alan told me that I could rent it out for at least $750 a month. I mean who could refuse earning $450 more a month?

But when I get there to look at the place, I wasn't exactly thrilled. Maybe it's my lack of house-hunting experience or an eye for things. Yes, the structure was sound but the place looks small and older like something from the era I was born in. I'm not into the wood panels and the old appliance, the decidedly small kitchen, the small linen closet size bathroom that opens to the small living room. The unfinished, bang-your-head-to-the ceiling, creepy, scary-movie-ish basement, ceiling fans from another era. The carpet needs to be changed, the neighbor had broke through the fence so his dog can shit on the backyard. When I'm inside the house, I can't help but feel saddened.

Maybe I'm too particular, I refuse to have a basement that's unfinished. It's a damned waste of space. Alan told me that it's a big hassle to finish the basement since there's no easy way to take the dirt outside but carry it one bag at a time. It's going to be a huge annoyance, so I'm really not inclined to buy it. Another friend that came with us thought he'd buy it to rent out so I politely conceded. I just can't imagine living there. Although walking down the street a couple of houses over, there's a family who renovated the whole thing and looked really nice. Maybe I just didn't have the patience or imagination for this stuff. Anyhow, the house was sold in 24 hours to another buyer, so the house market is really jumping right now.

Here's the listing and additional photos.

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Weekend Meme: New Year's Meme 2012

>> Sunday, January 08, 2012

I guess a year of non-blogging does strange things to a person. I'm not used to putting away a chunk of my time to write and I don't really know how to go about it anymore, so excuse me for my infrequency. I'm still trying to get used to blogging again. Same thing with work.

After being a 99er in 2010, I have to say that I'm still getting used to the concept of working. When I was at the Donuts, I didn't have any time off; I worked through the holidays, working 6 days a week non-stop and even on call when I needed to be. Now I work a job where there's vacation, it just seems odd and unfamiliar somehow. I guess I just don't know what to do with my free time. I'm bringing back my Weekend Meme section to slowly introduce myself back in the world of blogging. After my year-long sabbatical, I have accumulated quite a bunch of meme to play with. So let's get to it:
 
New Year's Meme 2012
 
1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Work two jobs. After getting my new job at the end of May, I actually work Donuts on the weekend and that was something.
 
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I did. I forgot what it was already, maybe I didn't have any. I made some resolutions this year, lose weight, fuck more.  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope, nobody other than some high school friends.  

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope. Thankfully.
 
5. What countries did you visit?
I haven't visited anywhere overseas this year.  

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
I think I'd like to have a new boyfriend or at least a few dates with the same person.
 
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 31, the first day of my new job. The ex-boyfriend's birthday, which is also the day we broke up.
 
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a job that pays a lot better than Donuts, with insurance and benefits.
 
9. What was your biggest failure?
My love life, I guess. If I'm an optimist then I'll see that as ending something that didn't and couldn't work.  

10. What was the best thing you bought?
A few new coats that I like. I actually spent a day at the mall and bought tons of stuff. I needed a change of wardrobe badly.  

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Throughout my ordeals, I remained true to myself. I think I'm pretty proud of that.  

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?
A relative of a close friend refuse to pay my friend after he renovated her new house which is truly horrible.  

13. What song will always remind you of 2011?
My friends are into trashy songs and from working at the Donuts, I think the songs of 2011 would be: Nicki Minaj "Super Bass" Selina Gomez "Love You Like a Love Song" LMFAO "Sexy And I Know it" Maroon 5 "Moves Like Jagger"  

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Sex, exercise, go out drinking.  

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Stay home, work.  

16. Did you fall in love in 2011?
No new love.
 
17. What was your favorite new TV program?
Dexter, True Blood, Whitney, New Girl, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, etc.  

18. What was the best book you read?
I can't remember reading any books this year.  

19. What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
Having a boyfriend? Seriously I'm not that boyfriend hungry, but maybe I am.  

20. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Bought a coat from Kenneth Cole that resembles a bit like a Mao suit jacket. Other than that, I got some new sweaters and new pants. I guess, it's modern oddity that intrigues me.  

21. What kept you sane?
I have no idea. I don't know where the resiliency comes in but I'm glad it's there.  

22. Who did you miss?
I'm not gonna lie. I do miss the ex-boyfriend but lately I'm worried about my grandma. I got news that she had a stroke two days before New Year's and half her body is paralyzed. I don't really know what to say or do.
 
23. Who was the best new person you met?
People at work. I also have this big old crush with this big hunky bear who's married with children but it's just a crush, nothing more.  

24. Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2011?
Nothing is forever, nobody is not replaceable.  

25. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
That might be hard to do. "On and on it seems to go..."

Well, I'm still not feeling 100% back yet, but hopefully I'll find more and more things to post.

Have a great day!

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Happy New Year 2012

>> Sunday, January 01, 2012



2011 Has been quite the year with lots of ups and downs, maybe 2012 will be better. Crossing my fingers.

For the ones who are still visiting or following this blog, thank you. Hope to catch up with you all soon.

Happy New Year! Best wishes for all.

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Getting Older

>> Thursday, August 19, 2010



When I was a teenager, I used to look up to celebrities. In that world where everything was possible, I imagined that one day when I'm in their age maybe I'll become famous. Years passed, I started to learn all my limitations and I got older and older. When I got to be the same age as the stars, I understand that I might not get to be famous. And when I get older than the stars, I started to resent my own lack of talent. At 35, my high school friends are all whining on Facebook about how out of shape they are and I too noticed how my body is slowly betraying me. At times, I can't see as clearly as before, maybe it's due to me staring at the computer screen too much. My Achilles tendinitis on my ankle doesn't allow me to run like I could before. I'm generally out of shape and I got some gum issues that requires me to go to the dentist but I have been putting it off because my resources is getting limited, my memory is also waning which is another issue from this Judas of a body.

The world is also getting very much different than it was. Over at Huffington Post they printed a list of 75 items of how people born in 1992 (18 years old) perceive the world and it goes something like this:

1. Few in the class know how to write in cursive.
2. E-mail is just too slow, and they seldom if ever use snail mail.
7. "Caramel macchiato" and "venti half-cafvanilla latte" have always been street corner lingo.
10. A quarter of the class has at least one immigrant parent, and the immigration debate is not a big priority unless it involves "real" aliens from another planet.
11. John McEnroe has never played professional tennis.
12. Clint Eastwood is better known as a sensitive director than as Dirty Harry.
14. Doctor Kevorkian has never been licensed to practice medicine.
15. Colorful lapel ribbons have always been worn to indicate support for a cause.
16. Korean cars have always been a staple on American highways.
18. Fergie is a pop singer, not a princess.
20. DNA fingerprinting and maps of the human genome have always existed.
27. Computers have never lacked a CD-ROM disk drive.
28. They've never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day.
31. The first computer they probably touched was an Apple II; it is now in a museum.
32. Czechoslovakia has never existed.
36. Adhesive strips have always been available in varying skin tones.
39. Pizza jockeys from Domino's have never killed themselves to get your pizza there in under 30 minutes.
43. Russians and Americans have always been living together in space.
50. Toothpaste tubes have always stood up on their caps.
52. There have always been women priests in the Anglican Church.
60. Wal-Mart has never sold handguns over the counter in the lower 48.
66. Galileo is forgiven and welcome back into the Roman Catholic Church.

I guess that's normal for youngsters to have a different perception of reality, actually I consider them lucky to be able to get used to progression. Hope the next generation will be able to take gay marriage and other decent human traits for granted.

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Plunging Into Oblivion

>> Tuesday, February 03, 2009



I'm beginning to think that I'm actively breaking my heart so that the pieces become so little that at the end even if they break again, I won't feel pain anymore. It's not a passive thing, I'm being proactive about it, I'm sure. I'm convinced that everyone that I know that everyone I'm falling for is unavailable and the most unsuitable guys I can find. In fact, that is a requirement. If you fall for me in the first 5 days we met, you're clearly not for me. I have to be the subservient one, or how else can I play the victim at the end? As a gay Hong Kong singer Anthony Wong had sung "Smeared mascara is not enough, change costumes and jump through a window."

We're going for the dramatics. Fear of rejection, cringing for the inevitable and then go for the jugular. It's not pretty enough if you don't get the red from the blood. Scream from the top of your lungs for the things you're more afraid of, get prosecuted for it and watch it happen. It's not that you're not smart and you don't know it, but instead of bathing in the sweet of it, throw a stone through your own mirage and step on the glass on your bare feet. What of it? That's what modern heroism is reduced to anyhow.

Life is so not going my way and I'm tired of it all. The hell with it.

"Stop holding onto people so tight"

My buoy will stay afloat and mossy down the river, I should quit grabbing everything I find and just accept my fate and sink to the bottom. Nothing is simple. Nothing is easy. Nothing begets nothing. The truth is I long for something simple and easy and that's what I'm getting.

"Stop being a pussy, Paul."

Would it hurt as much if it doesn't ring truth or if you don't care for that particular person?

Can I ever learn? I'm too proud and stubborn to change my ways even though nothing is working out, I much rather deteriorate thinking I was right, thinking I know better when I clearly don't. I'm lost. Through no fault of others. I have brought it on my own.

I think I'd stop posting for a while, until I've gathered myself up.

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Music Invasion: Dinah Washington's "Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby (Remix)"

>> Sunday, January 11, 2009

Feeling especially lazy these days. Having a cold and lying on my death bed. There's no reflections, no feelings, no observation but dread, a stuffy nose and coughing. I'm not going out but to get groceries, not having fun with friends and not having fun with others. The only bliss is Nyquil. At night instead hearing my humidifier battling my radiator, Nyquil offers me undisturbed sleep.

Just read the second installment of the vampire chronicles from Anne Rice and it mention evil as observations with no action and that the meaning in life might not be revealed with death, its meaning is what one makes of it. I think I'll take on Ms. Rice as my spiritual guide, she's successful enough for me to trust her instinct. Secretly I'm afraid of getting old now, with this unaccomplished life and no love in sight. In about 10 years, my face will rapidly deteriorate like all the other middle-aged Asians. It's quite a scary thought. Maybe I need to save up for Botox. Becoming a vampire should be so much easier, no sickness, no getting old, glamouring people for sex, money and blood, but then how high can a fat vampire hover?

This song come from the Verve Remixed album from 2002 that I loved, I even loved its sequel but then afterwards the choice of popular songs got scarce and the quality is questionable. I was intrigued by the grammar and the beat and of course Dinah's voice is just so classic.



Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby

(I got a man who's always late
Every time we have a date
But I love him
Yes I love him

I'm gonna walk up to his gate
See if I can get it straight
Cause I want him
And I'm gonna have him

Say is you is or is you ain't my baby?
The way you're actin' lately makes me doubt
Yous is still my baby-baby
I guess my baby's found somebody new) x2

Is you is or is you ain't my baby?
Maybe baby's found somebody new
Or is my baby still my baby true?

Now is you is or is you ain't my baby?
Maybe baby's found somebody new
Or is my baby still my baby true?
I guess my baby's found somebody new

And I better get right up and go out find me somebody true
I said I'm gonna find, find me somebody true

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Getting Back On Track

>> Thursday, January 08, 2009



I titled this entry "Getting Back On Track" because that's what I need to do. I have not been working for quite a few months now and I'm getting into the habit of putzing around. Going online, checking things out, meeting friends, writing, reading, playing video games, getting groceries and cooking. One of my new year resolutions should be breaking up my routine, do something out of the ordinary everyday. Or simply get into the mindset of work, I have to start incorporating job hunting as part of my routine.

One of my major problems for the past week was not having a working phone. I was expecting it to arrive early this week but I waited and waited and didn't see it. So I went online to find that it has got to the local post office for a few days. Even I didn't get a notice in my mail, I walked there and got my phone from them. Happy. Although my old phone is not working at all, so I lost all my numbers. It's very annoying, I have gotten some numbers from some folks that I doubt I'd ever get them back again. Also the new phone was really confusing because I didn't know it was partially touchscreen and didn't come with a manual. It took my 20 minutes to figure that part out. I'm sure it'll take me a while to get used to it.

If there's anything I got from Benjamin Button is to stop talking about it and just be about it, but why is it so hard? It's January, it's after the holidays. I should really cease that momentum and start changing my life for the positives.

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2009 Resolutions

>> Thursday, January 01, 2009



I guess these things are reserved for before New Year. Let's see.

1. The first thing has to be finding a job. Very important. I don't want to live on the streets and beg for money. Have to do something somehow and we (me and the voices in my head) need insurance.

2. Let's join the gym and lose at least 10 pounds? After being idle in that area for a year. I should have learned that a little a day help tremendously somehow. But maybe we (again) should wait until after January, so all the other resolution makers would give up and the gym become less busy.

3. Expand my social circle and get to know more people. If there's any highlights in 2008, it was that I get to know a lot more folks and hence my life is busier and more fulfilling. So the conclusion is that knowing people is a good thing.

4. Borrowing TED's resolution, observe less, participate more. That would probably cure my passive aggressive side and rather follow my teachings and be cautious with everything, I could accomplish more. Let's just leap everywhere. Why not?

5. Learn something new. I don't know what yet, but I need to expand and better myself. I have the tape from ES to relearn my French, that would help. Maybe learn something that would help me career, that's always good.

6. Find a person I can be in love with. That's like the toughest task ever. It's not that I don't love easily, but it seems that the folks I want are not available and even if they become available, it's not for sure that they will want me. Maybe I should approach the whole situation differently, I'm still not sure how.

Actually I just want to be happy. These few days had been a killer, good thing my baked mac and cheese has lifted my spirits. I wish everyone here a very Happy New Year. May all your wishes come true.

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Happy Gobble Gobble, Gurrr...

>> Thursday, November 27, 2008



Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!!

I've never really understood Thanksgiving, we never celebrated it in Hong Kong, the reputation of cowboys and indians precedes turkey day, but it's fun to have something to celebrate nonetheless. I'm off to get Thanksgiving dinner on the way for me and my friends. Thank god I've got some things ready last night, including a new and improved Tiramisu with shaved chocolate on top. Only slept for 4 hours.

Let's see...

This year even though I don't have a job right now and little money, I still have my good health to thank for, and friends new and old, a roof over my head and free time to do whatever I want. Oh and Obama is our next president, yeah!

So what are you thankful for? Do share.

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Loving Myself

>> Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Just got some pictures back from when I played one of the best men during A&Y's wedding. During another Mahjong-filled weekend at their place, they were playing a DVD replaying the details of their wedding day and one of the friends commented that I looked good in a suit and for the first time in a long while, I agreed. After moving from Hong Kong to the States, my weight have skyrocketed 20 pounds during my freshmen year, and then it's 40 more pounds after I discovered my cooking abilities and during the periods when I have a boyfriend and my attempts to satisfied them domestically. I remember when a friend took my picture during a party and I was horrified by my resemblance with the Michelin man.

Now that I have lost some weight and vanity in tow, I feel better, happier. I think San Francisco, my recent activities or maybe even leaving my former toxical work environment have lifted my spirits up. I'm beginning to see myself and loving what I see. I can't believe how long it has taken me to feel this way. I noticed that I can be more attractive if I smile more so I'm making efforts. Hope that'll boost my confidence.

The Gay Luck Club is hosting a fundraising costume party for Halloween, it'll be the first Halloween costume party I ever attend. I'm thinking I might go as either Frankenstein, because everyone teased me about looking like him when I was growing up, or going as a Chinese vampire to add some cultural interests. I also thought about going there in leather gears as my excuse to purchase some leather stuff for future use. Too bad I didn't have time to get some while I was in SF, I've heard that there was a 20% discount during Folsom.


Poll: So Frank... vampire or white t-shirt, jeans and a leather armband?

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Time Filler

>> Thursday, August 21, 2008

Since I've so much spare time, I think I need to use it wisely. Maybe I can starve myself into a slimmer figure, somehow I have inexplicably lost 4 more pounds in the past week. I realize that I have canceled my gym membership and that's possibly a wrong thing to have done, but I believe I have paid until the end of September so I can still use it at my leisure. Spend an hour or two each day might help me improve my (gay) life in general. I think I'm gonna start a diet too, after geting a huge piece of cake from the Pink Rose that is.

The art of negotiation has always eluded me. (Why can't I be more like my mother?) Case and point, I'm still waiting for my ex-board president to call me back with an offer, assuming that they are going to give me one. Here's CBS' Jason Bellini demonstrate how to negotiate in China's Silk Market(?), I would kill to have his skills.


I love this clip.

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The Rise and Fall of Communities

>> Monday, August 18, 2008

It started with a copy of Out magazine. CuteCub and I were hanging out and we were discussing about the unrealistic portrait of the gay lifestyle in those glossy magazines and cruising websites. Not every gay guy has the money and means to wear designer clothing, not every gay guy has the mean or the will to follow circuit parties and travel to exotic locations for vacation. Some of us have low incomes, flabby bodies and average looks. Some of us don't have the will to starve ourselves into fashion optimum figures. (Is that why the Out Magazine group along with the other business doing so poorly?)

CuteCub was skeptical of the gay community, "What community? To be a community you have to encompass everything in the general society. A few bars here and there hardly makes a community." And stereotype are just that, not every gay is into dance music, interior decorating and Martha Stewart. While I get his points, I still hope that there is some sort of comraderie if not anything else. Apparently CuteCub is not for gay marriage either, unless there is some sort of recognized benefit attached to it. I used to think the same way, if two people are truly in love with each other, you don't need outside recognition. But as I'm getting older, I seek security and acknowledgment. If you say you love me, I want it to be hard for you to change your mind. I also feel that the act of marriage, from proposal to honeymoon is extremely romantic and I can be a sucker for romance.

The Gay Luck Club people held their first event Saturday night. It went well, there were about 60 people in attendance and it did turn out to be a pool party even though initially the building wouldn't let us use the pool area. It was nice to meet new people, although a lot of Asian or White twinks alike giving attitude but I'm old enough to let people be. With the revelation I had a few weeks ago (people are what makes life meaningful), I know my need to surround myself with good people and I'm glad I have a good base to start with. If it is as CuteCub said that there is no gay community, all of us are responsible for building our own and I'll have to stop pussyfooting around.

To live life to its fullest.

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What I Want

>> Tuesday, August 05, 2008


(Other than eating this and not getting fat...)

ES called Friday night at 1 am and proceed to talk my ears off for the following 90 minutes. I'm really not complaining, in fact I'm glad that she feels comfortable enough to do that although sometimes I wonder if she'd been drinking... lol. It's nice to catch up with her and she's a great gal pal.

Losing my job, low financial security, boyfriendless, and a small social circle have rendered me to be lost in life. I think ES sensed my lost of direction and asked me what I want in life and I had to think really hard to come up with anything at all, so she laughed. It's a good thing that you're still in your early 30s, you'd still have time to think, if you're in your 40s and still don't know what you want then it'd be too late.It is a valid point and I have to dig deep.

In life, she wanted kids and a family, to be able to work in the HIV/AIDS field and that's exactly what she did. Me, I want to meet a good guy to settle down with, I want a house and adopt before 40 or at least get a puppy. (Sorry if you find me lumping babies and dogs together offensive, but you know what I mean.) I just turned 33 that means I have about 3 years to find a mate and have 4 years of alone time with that guy to build a solid relationship before getting married (Unnecessary but it'd be nice) and get a kid. If my partner have the heart and we have the space and money, and even as unrealistic as it sounds I can seeing myself adopting a whole bunch of kids throughout my life.

Career-wise is a toughie. Another friend asked me what my passion is and I have no idea. I enjoy video games, music, movies, cooking but I think my upbringing do not allow me to see that these things are in anyway practical and those are not things that would yield a decent income unless you have connections and real talent which I would have to say I lack. Sometimes I would wish that I actually have studied culinary during my undergraduate years since I was studying at in a college famous for that program. Although those jobs are all high stress jobs and I can be quite nasty when I'm stressed.

Thinking back to the reason I chose IT was partly because I had a great time working at A.C. Nielsen, a survey research company. I like to get to know what people like and the reason behind it, and since I like math and statistics and now that I know how to deal with data it might just be the field I want to explore. If, with luck, I get a job at UPenn, I'd be able to take class in survey research, SAS (since most statistics job require experience in that program, even my friends swear that it's as easy as Excel.), and perhaps marketing. Maybe it'll allow me to acquire an MBA. That wouldn't be too bad, right?

I think I'd like market research. Took me some time but I'm glad I've figure it out. Although I'd be interested to learn about music production and all that but it'd be a bit unrealistic and unstable, that could wait until later in life as a hobby, no? And I'm still enthralled with my idea of opening up a non-profit restaurant but that's a bit too far fetched as well. I'll just have to see where life takes me.

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Cosmic Slap

>> Monday, July 28, 2008



Not to be superstitious but I was thinking how funny that a month and a half ago I was saying how well June was treating me so far. Maybe that qualifies as the Gemini cycle, when Cancer came I was struck by Lucius and got my heart broken and now during the Leo cycle my whole world is crumbling down, fast. Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with astrology at all, but I'm still counting my luck to change for the better in a month. What else could happen? Me getting an incurable disease while not having health insurance? My apartment catching on fire and I have to live on the street?

My positive side would say that things happen for a reason. It might have been wrong for me to have settled in a non-profit environment for so long without any thoughts or goals or any ambition at all for my career. If I have to be positive, maybe the ongoing change is a cosmic slap in the face for me to be better and gain better control at my life in the long run. (Control? God forbid) But honestly, the cosmic slap in my face is smarting like hell.

I feel like going to the bookstore and getting myself a self-help book on relationship. Not to give it out on the first date? How do I find good people and make new friends? Somehow lately all the folks who had slept with me wants to be just friends... Is there something wrong with me? I've even had people who claimed that I'm the best they've ever had... Or is that the problem? I realized right now that I need as much friends as I can get (minus a few psychopaths or flakes of course) but it's exhausting. I guess there's no fast way to make friends.

So how many more lessons are there to learn until the cosmic let me be again? And what kind of person will I become at the end of the tunnel? I can't wait to find out... More like I can't wait to find a job actually.

Oh by the way, will those two mofo reading this in Philly start speaking up? I mean if you're really that interested in my life, you might as well be in it. Unless you're my exboyfriend or a stalker type, of course.

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Attitude Adjustment, Pt. 2

>> Sunday, July 27, 2008



I think with a change of attitude something within me clicked and I realized how lonely I actually am. I feel like I'm having a panic attack, I can't breathe. My heart is pounding in my chest. I'm desperately in need of people and I realized how stupid I was when I didn't fully treasure people around me. Why was I so jaded and put off? What's wrong with me? Now when I need people by my side, I have no one. I'm more than likely gonna scare the few new ones I've made because of my desperation.

I've always been so combative and proud that I go by principals instead of relationships and I've learned my mistakes. I think if possible, I'll devote the rest of my life getting to know people and making friends. I remember having a lot of friends when I was in Hong Kong but somehow something is holding me back when I got here. Maybe I was feeling insecure being different, maybe I thought that I was constantly being judged, but that obviously had to go.

Just one week and I'm already bent so out of shape, I wonder how I would survive. Principe used to say that he doesn't understand how I can stay home all day, but now I need to go outside to be amongst people to feel okay even though they are complete strangers. Even the TV is not helping much anymore, I feel like I'm going insane.

Maybe my head is purging what doesn't work for my life and reintroducing what makes sense. I hope it is not too late.

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Attitude Adjustment

>> Friday, July 25, 2008

Randy Pausch passed away today. It is quite sad really, I really quite enjoyed his inspiring lectures and I even bought his book and read it in two days. (Medic Guy got it in the "settlement" along with my much loved Keith Haring hoodie sweats.) To think, a man who is dying from pancreatic cancer still be able to laugh and joke around and inspire others. What have I done and what am I doing with my life?



In this period of time I feel like I have to reevaluate every aspects of my life. In the love front, there's little to nothing. In the job front, I'm losing what I have. It is a problem that I have to recognize. I need to readjust my attitude and throw myself out there. Meet new people, make new friends, find a new job. Maybe I've been in my shell for too long, maybe I've been scared of being rejected and haven't tried my hardest to make something of myself, but it has to change.

Stumbled across these people who promote themselves as Life Coaches for Gay Men, I always thought I needed a life coach/psychiatrist. They offer conseling sessions but more importantly and accessible are the articles they write: Free Yourself From Fear, Believe in Yourself and other self-help gems. Maybe ultimately I can recognize my current situation as an opportunity for me to grow and change but it is essential for me to find something real soon.

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Everybody Has Problems

>> Monday, June 02, 2008

I'm approaching my mid 30s and I still don't think I have my life altogether. Career-wise, I feel like I'm stuck. My current job don't offer career development, so I feel like I'm getting further and further behind in technology. Finance-wise, I don't own any properties and my saving is minimal. My social life is improving but still quite minimal, most nights I stay home, go online or watch TV. I can count all my meatspace friends with both hands. My love life is disastrous, I should be so depressed.

Maybe I am putting unnecessary stress on myself, but I feel like it's time for me to find a guy and settle down. I'm ready. I realized it wouldn't fix everything, but it'll be nice to have some companionship, some support and a goal to work for. The perfect mate is really hard to find, I didn't think I had a list but apparently I do. I recognize that I prefer white/latino guys of a certain height in relatively good shape, preferably with a nice chest with hair on it, of course, a cute muscle butt and nice size junk, being good in bed, smell good and a nice head on the body would add to the whole package.

Aside from the physical aspects, there's the personality. Nice, caring, considerate, affectionate, supportive and masculine would sum it up. Have a good and secure job. Is that too much to ask? I used to not care about money, but the older I get, the more I do. Especially after having my string of boyfriends who likes being "taken care of", I much rather have someone who can pay for their own share.

Nowadays, dating seems like going into a long hallways with tons of doors on each side. You get to open them one at a time and see where it leads to, what's inside for you. I'm not focusing on being casual and having fun, I imagine what kinda life I will lead if I chose to stay on with the person. More often than not, I find something wrong with it and close another door. Maybe I'm trying to find someone who'll fix me up, balance my failed career with their success, balance my misery with their exhuberance. It's unhealthy and wrong. There's no perfection behind the doors and the hallway is getting shorter and shorter and my feet are growing weary.

I need to occupy myself with something more constructive for my life, obsessing and psychoanalyzing it wouldn't help me. Meeting all these people has made me pretty good at analyzing people, I wonder if I should pursue a degree and a career as a psychiatrist, it'll be like being a modern day fortune teller. I meet people when I am bored, which is often. There's a successful guy with a stress induced inferior complex who wants to be humiliated, a self loathing religious boy that gets mean with humor after sex, an aggressive guy with no ambition, a boy with serious abandonment issue, another guy who defines himself with things that he won't do or eat or wear, a mean old bitch, the list goes on.

I recognize a lot of hurt souls when I see them, actually almost everyone I met is broken in some ways. I try to hold them tight in my arms, make them feel safe and cared for. It is not only for their sake but there is an affectionate feeling in me that I need to find a target to express and I need to feel that physical proximity myself. More often than not, it is selfish and I don't even care who it is. Although it is a dangerous game, while some would move on to the next one, others mistook my affection for love and lingers and gets clingy; eventually someone always get hurt.

I know I need to work on myself and do it fast. Maybe life didn't turn out the way I want it to, but like they say it's never too late to steer it to a better direction. (Is this what people called a mid-life crisis?)


"Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree?" - Sweet Dreams, Eurythmics.

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Music Invasion - Jill Scott's "I Keep"

>> Monday, May 05, 2008

Come across another very meaningful song by Jill Scott. I need to take it by heart and I thought I would share it as well.



Some of them wanna break you down,
steal your crown, use and abuse you.
Some of them smile in your face,
cause they heard it some place you got more then they're used to.
Some of them want to steal your love,
Oh coz they’re jealous of how you're living and giving.

(I keep) moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
(I keep) keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
(I keep) keep on dreaming, keep on achieving, keep on believing
(I keep) I keep smiling when I come through and I cry when I need too.

Some of them, oh they stab you in your back, coz it’s love they lack.
Some of them won’t even try to see the good inside.

But I -
(I keep) moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
(I keep) keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
(I keep) keep on dreaming, keep on achieving, keep on believing

Hey, Oh oh oh oh ooh...
(I keep) I keep on, keep on living, keep on learning, keep on smiling (oh oh yeah)
(I keep) keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
(I keep) keep on dreaming, keep on believing, keep on achieving
(I keep) I keep smiling when I come through, and I cry when I need to (oh, yeah...)

I keep on, keep on keeping on. Yeah...
I keep, keep on keep keep keeping on, keep keeping on...

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Book Review - Randy Pausch "The Last Lecture"

>> Friday, April 11, 2008



I don't know how many of you have heard Randy's story but he has become quite the celebrity lately. He is a tenured professor of computer science in Carnegie Mellon and he has recently given a lecture on how to live your life which made its way to YouTube. What makes him such an expert on the subject? He's dying of pancreatic cancer and has less than 6 months to live.

Of course one cannot claim to be the expert of living just because he's dying. Randy has also fulfilled most of his childhood dreams. He has floated in zero gravity, won plenty of giant stuffed animals, became a Disney imagineer, authored an entry in the World Book encyclopedia, and being (at least very close to) Captain Kirk. And with Diane Sawyer's help he has (sorta) played in the NFL "Brick walls are there to show you how much you want it." Randy says. "They are there to keep the other people out."

As a tradition, professors in universities are asked to do a lecture as if it was the only lecture they have left to do in their life entitled "The Last Lecture". What would you teach people if that is the only chance you have? Randy took this opportunity to leave a message to his kids, 6 years old Dylan, 3 years old Logan and 18 months old Chloe. His lecture is on pointers on living a fulfilling life, a life without regrets. "Would you rather be Tigger or Eeyore?"

With all the other values installed on him by his free-loving and charitable parents and his nurturing family and friends, Randy told lessons he has learned throughout his life to his children, so as they grow up they would understand what kind of a man their father was and the good intent he had for all of them and the fortunate people who happened to be touched by his words.

"Make your childhood dreams come true and enable the dreams of others."

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Late Bloomer

>> Monday, November 05, 2007

Six, seven years ago two of my friends got me to a local leather bar. It 'happens' to be underwear night and people take off their shirts and pants, some just walked around in their jockstrap and sneakers. After one or two drinks for courage and with much persuasion of these friends, I too succumbed to the peer pressure and took off my shirt and jeans. An attractive muscle bear with harness and buttless chaps came over to me and my friends and grabbed on our nipples and started twisting and he wasn't fooling around, he meant to hurt. We stood there for 5 minutes, it was one of the most erotic experience I've had. I don't know why I didn't follow him home that night, but I didn't really know anything then, and I was too afraid.

I haven't been back to that leather bar for years since I had a boyfriend, I didn't think I would need to go out looking for sex and I don't like going out late at night. But now I'm single again, it gives me an excuse to go. So I went with Macho Friday night just to see what's out there. There's a rumor that the basement is the place to be, they only open it a few hours per night and people go down there to do the nasty. I've heard about it for years and in my mind I pictured it to be a maze like dungeon, like the backroom of babylon a la Queer As Folks. But I was quite disappointed to find that it was just another bar in a slightly darker atmosphere. I guess I build it up to much in my head.

During the weekend I also finally tried some pot. It didn't have any effect on me. They say a person usually has to try a few times before it takes effect. Hope I'll get the chance to know how it feels to be high.

I have never had this much sex in my life, not even in my teenage years. I guess now I know what I want and I have the means to obtain it. And somehow being single again broke me free. I feel like I'm entering another stage of my life.

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