Reboot (pt. 2)

The break up happened very suddenly. It was supposed to be his birthday and we went out for lunch after I gave him some presents. He was acting strange the whole time which I took it as his usual birthday blues. At the end of the meal, I asked him what is wrong and he told me he wanted to break up. Two days later, he came over to take what he has in my apartment and two hours later I've erased all our online contacts. It's like we've never known each other but I guess there were always signs. Last time I saw one of our mutual friend and ask him if he wanted to join in the birthday celebration, that friend looked extremely guilty. When Adam Bouska's NOH8 Campaign was in town and I really wanted to go for a couple picture, he flatly refused. The abruptness of the breakup led me think that there's somebody else, which was confirmed by a friend who saw his profile on one of the online app. While it is all good, I'm just shocked by the lack of any communications. I was the fool who thought everything was going well.

Any break up is, of course, depressing. And since it happened, I have been submerging myself with work, which is plentiful. I have been picked up by a charter school in a sketchier part of the city; a charter school that caters to low-income, out-of-school youth, helping them to return to school to get their High School diploma. Even though, the pay is not ideal, I feel fortunate that I now have health and dental insurance. I have to admit that I didn't join the organization because I like help people, I was at a stage where the moral high ground was non-essential, I was willing to do almost anything, but I have to admit that it feels good to be able to find meaning in my job.

We are a progressive school and we install all kinds of measures to help kids graduate. Everyone is very involved in the education of these kids (18-21). Each of us mentor a few of these kids and each of them have a case manager to help out with their child care, financial health, mental health being and all social service needs. We give them gift certificates and subway card for them to come to school. We give them money for them to go to school. Do you know how long it took me to wrap my head around this concept? And yet, kids don't come to school. I haven't never heard of these things. And if a kid is failing a class, we drop their lowest perform session and average the rest. And we network them with various college and job site so that after they graduate, they will be either working or in college. I see the value of the school but how could we get them ready for real life by treating them like kings and queens?

Anyway, a job is a job and I sincerely don't hate it.

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Meeting Sensei

A few weeks ago, I've met a Taiwanese guy online who's visiting his sister and family in Philly for the month. He was an architect and used to live in Philly but as he's growing older, he finds he's more attracted to Asian guy, so he moved back and became a church organ player and lead a choir. Go figure.

While we were talking about relationships, this guy brought up some incredible theories that I didn't necessarily know so from now on I'd refer him as my sensei. Sensei mentioned that Asians and westerners have different views on how a relationship commences. Asians, like lesbians, tend to see what they want and plan on moving in the next day while westerners date for a long period of time making sure the other one is not insane and compatible before becoming boyfriends. Can you believe that I didn't know there was a difference between dating, exclusive dating and boyfriends? Knowing that fact actually helped. Since I have boyfriend experience and not dating experience, I guess I've jumped the gun a bit much before. An average dating period would last around 6 months?

Sensei went on telling me that there are two different kinds of marriage. There's the love marriage who both parties go in full of feelings and the partnership kinds of marriage where it's more of an arranged marriage thing. While the love marriage burns bright, the feeling will fizzle out as does the relationship and that's why there are so many divorcées. The arranged marriage might not be based on a strong emotion but it's based on the benefit of both people and respect and that kind of relationship will hold out longer. I've known some people who blatantly admitted to me that their marriage is more of an intellectual arrangement so maybe there's some truth in there, but conventional media culture had taught me to go with me heart so I don't think I can believe in that wholeheartedly. Good thing since our first talk, CuteCub and I had become boyfriend and I don't have to ponder what the nature of our relationship is anymore.

Sensei is one of the bigger, taller, hairier (not that I've seen) Asian guy, kinda made me think about how I would look like when I get older and at the same time we can commiserate on how stereotypical rice queens would never go for us. But he told me that due to the Japanese G-men culture, boys like us are actually rather popular in the bear subculture scene in Asia. Come to think of it, Taiwan might just be a good enough place for me to live in. They have street vendor food that I love, my English and Mandarin skills will benefit me there and there are a respectable distance between me and my family in Hong Kong. Still, it's not reason enough to move there. Sensei also told me that there are lots of gay hot springs popping up in Taiwan and that it's a lot of fun there, it'd be nice to be able to just see Taiwan since I've never been.

It's nice to meet a new friend and have someone pop up to teach me some life lessons, too bad he's going back tomorrow and has no plan of coming back in the near future. Bon Voyage!

P.S. On another note, does this picture of Jackie Chan make him look like one of those rent boys?

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Music Invasion: Jamiroquai Double Take: "Little L" and "Love Foolosophy"

I have been a fan of Jamiroquai for a long, long time. When I first heard Too Young To Die, I thought it was sung by a girl until I found out from the album cover that it is sung by a guy named Jay Kay. And even though I'm a bit averse of the super skinny, rib-caged showing, slanky skater boy type, I can't help but noticed Jay Kay's unique and cool style. I admire all the noticeable hats he love to wear and of course his amazing musical talent.

I didn't expect that these two songs from the Funk Odyssey album can describe my current love situation or a decidedly lack thereof so appropriately, maybe I'm indeed in a funk odyssey. When I see the guy, I'm completely smitten, but when we're not seeing each other, I feel like there's nothing holding us together and maybe we'll never see each other again. I don't understand why things have to be so difficult and frustrating. From my experience there's only one simple explanation; my love interest is not that into me. Yet I want so much more. I hate to constantly reminding myself that what I'm feeling cannot be and I hate to constantly feeling unwanted.



Love Foolosophy

Ooh baby baby, I feel these sweet sensations
Honey honey looks like a superstar
She got a promise of love-struck fascination
Ooh what am I to do? How am I to know who you are

When this love, fool, osophy is killing
Previous illusions that (I'm a love fool)
I had in my mind about you (I'm a love fool)
Seems so true, all the lies you're telling
Tragically compelling and (I'm a love fool)
My love it means nothing to you
So maybe I'm still a love fool

She shimmers like a California sunset
Lady lady, glitters but there's no gold
She carries sweetly infectious magic formulas
I'm so delirious, is she that serious?
Or is she bringing me on? I've been waiting so long

And this love, Fool, osophy is killing
Previous illusions that (I'm a love fool)
I had in my mind about you (I'm a love fool)
Seems so true, all the lies you're telling
Tragically compelling and (I'm a love fool)
My love it means nothing to you
So maybe I'm still a love fool

I don't want the world I want you (x3)
I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you

Love, fool, osophy is killing
Previous illusions that
I had in my mind about you
Seems so true, all the lies you're telling
Tragically compelling and
My love it means nothing to you
So maybe I'm still a love fool
My love it means nothing to you
So maybe I'm still a love fool

You're my love foolosophy
Don't you see it's killing me
You're my love foolosophy
Don't you see it's killing me

I'm a love fool



Little L

There you were freaking out,
Trying to get your head around the fact that me and you and love is dead
See how I'm trippin' out?
'Cos you can't decide what you really want from me

Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L

There you were shouting out
Cranking up your altercations, getting upset in your desperation
Screaming and hollering
How could this love become so paper thin?

You're playing so hard to get
You're making me sweat just to hold your attention
I can't give you nothing more
If you ain't givin' nothing to me
Don't you know that?

You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L
Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
Seems like you're stepping on the pieces
Of my broken shell
'Cos you make me love you, love you
With a Little L, you know
That's the way you make me love you, yeah

Why does it have to be like this?
I can never tell
You make me love you, love you baby
With a Little L

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Sweet. Dull. Pain.

Sweet

So we kicked out the old president and got ourselves a new one. I rarely watch these political event, but it's very historical to have a first African-American president. People might shun that they are all the same and they might be, but I still thing it's pretty sweet. Every gay guy's eyes were on Michelle and her outfit worrying that she might repeat her last disaster, but she came out with a gold and white lace number with a sash to echo her daughters' outfits. It's quite precious, although it stands out a lot in the cold and everyone else was wearing some tamed colored coats. Rick Warren's prayer was severely written in the spirit for acceptance, I guess he got whipped into shape.



I know we shouldn't put so much expectation and pressure on Obama, he couldn't honestly fix everything in 4 years, especially the harm done by Bush was so severe. But if he can really do what he promised in his speech, America will be in a much better place. You do have to love how he made a speech about how bad a shape the country is in and how bad a job the former president had done and then sit right back next to the now ex-president. I do wonder what Georgie is thinking seeing that many people cheer for the new guy with that much enthusiasm, probably more acceptance than he had gotten for years. Maybe he also noticed that everyone was happy that he's leaving?

Funny thing for me was people cheered very loudly when they hear Yo-Yo Ma's name. I guess out of the minority quartet (Jewish guy, Black guy and a Hispanic girl), he's the better known one. That tickled me a little. Dick Cheney in a wheelchair just make him look so much more evil. me and my friend were wondering weather that walking cane had a gun or a blade inside, I thought it could be mustard gas. He's looking more and more like the Penguin in Batman. The poet was a miss for me though, we were wondering where Maya Angelou is and my friend yelled "Damn Cheney!", I like to imagine that Ms. Angelou fought bravely and rendered Cheney in that chair with her wooden spoons Kill Bill style. Despite my concerns, nothing bad happened so hopefully the country can start a brand new chapter.

Dull

Life is dull, or rather my life is dull but I'm not talking about that part now. Rest assured that I'm taking measures to change it. During a cold last week, I was caught by a smell in my apartment. I thought it was burnt PVC coming from my radiator, maybe some wire was caught around it and melting. Until I remember that I have encountered this smell before when I was around 20 in Hong Kong. It's a rather dull sweet smell, a bit waxy as if it's beewax and the oddest of things, it comes from me. I remember how the smell followed me for weeks driving me insane but it eventually went away and I have no clue why it has come to be. I mean I'm a sweet guy, but not this literal. Signs of diabetes, nasal cancer? Or maybe I just ate something wrong and it's some kind of reaction? I have no clue, although it had subsided a bit since then.



I've been casually on a low carb diet, not intentional. I was talking to CuteCub about a low carb recipe that I liked and I made it, and afterwards I thought might as well continue in this regime. Somehow I've lost 10 pounds. It could be due to a combination of diet, being sick and dehydration, but hey one of my resolutions have been fulfilled. I have been on it for roughtly 10 days but it was blown to hell during a day of Mahjong, they bought hoagies and then we went out for Chinese food. I think I'll resume my diet for a while and see where it leads. If I lost 25 more pounds I'd be in the best shape of my life.

Pain

I think morose would be a more appropriate word. I guess I assigned too much importance in my relationship with CuteCub and I'm paying for it. Sure, I can't expect anything to cater to me but when I'm blown off again and again without telling me ahead of time and have me waiting like a fool and then avoid communications afterwards. I think I have the right to be upset no matter how self-inflicted it is. He could be just having a bad week but I hate feeling unimportant. It's true that I like the guy a lot and maybe the circumstances around us are not ideal, so maybe it's best to put it aside. If it cannot be something mutual, it'll be unfair for one or both or us. If the time comes that he finds himself to be alone and needs someone to care for him, I'd like to be there for him.

So my heart is heavier now.

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Love Me Or Leave Me

Say love me or leave me and let me be lonely...

Back when I started going into my latest obsession of vampire novels, I reached over to my nightstand and randomly picked a tarot card for a bookmark and got The Sun, I took it as a good omen. I think the Chinese upbringing lead me into the habit of looking for omens. We were always try to create our own good omens while avoiding the bad ones. I was particularly upset when I dropped the card during a bus ride to New York and thought how lazy and stupid of me to use a Tarot card as a bookmark, since now that Ive lost one I'll have to replace the whole deck. Given I have two other decks, but that was my only Rider-Waite, the others are just there for their exotic decorative looks. After that, I told myself that I now have 77 pretty bookmarks. While randomly pulled out the 8 of Swords to replace my lost one, not a good card, but I managed to turn it upside down for my purpose. I got tired of the sight of that one easy enough since it's such a hostile sight to start with and as I was randomly pulling out another replacement last night, it was the Lovers and the sheer irony of it made me burst out laughing.

I can't believe I've never posted this song, I think it reminds me of my current situation. It's one of my all time favorite and as ashamed as I should be, it's the song that introduced me to Nina Simone by the way of Billy's Hollywood Screenkiss. Hope you enjoy!



Love Me Or Leave Me

Say, love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You won't believe me but I love you only
I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the nighttime the right time for kissing
Night-time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

There'll be no one unless that someone is you
I intend to be independently blue

Saaay, I want your love, don't wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
There's no love for nobody else

Say, love me or leave me and let me be lonely
You won't believe me but I love you only
I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else

You might find the nighttime the right time for kissing
Night-time is my time for just reminiscing
Regretting instead of forgetting with somebody else

There'll be no one unless that someone is you
I intend to be independently blue

Say I want your love, don't wanna borrow
Have it today to give back tomorrow
Your love is my love
My love is your love
There's no love for nobody else

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The Power Struggle

It's the same old story, I let myself gone completely infatuated and obsessed over CuteCub again. Sure, he's completely my type, good looking in a cute adorable way. He's got nice facial hair, sparkling eyes and a nice hairy chest, a little shorter than me, but it just accentuate his build, charming, educated and he seems to like me well enough. The guy rates pretty high for me, 80%~90% perfect, the problem is that he already has a boyfriend and have no intentions to have open it into a poly. It's futile, as much as he likes to flirt and enjoys the attention. We have seen each other 3~4 times in the past weeks and chatting online every single day, but it can never be and having a person around who reminds me what I can never have is cruel to say the least.

I'm trying to figure out my problem with guys. Maybe somebody else's boyfriend had a stamp of approval on their forehead and are more attractive for it. Or maybe the ones that I can easily have are not good enough because my self-esteem is that low, but my latest observations in the political world have pointed me to the concept of power.

How does one acquire power? I'm pretty sure the ones who are always agreeable would be deemed as pushovers. The ones who always disagree are deemed to be unreasonable and hence not worth the effort. As in voting, the ones that can relinquish power are the undecided ones, the ones that goes two steps forward and three steps back - the teasers. Maybe that's why nothing ever gets done.

The ones that have my heart hangs upside down are all unavailable in one way or another, while still retains a friendly facade. With Lucius, he doesn't want to be tied down and he has other issues. Medic Guy is constantly available, although I think he just like me for my looks than me. Even Principe doesn't deny me much but one thing, his ass, but maybe that's for the best. I'm scared to find out that if the perfect guy came along and give me everything I wanted, I might feel bored.

At least I told him how I felt, so there's nothing left for regrets. We are still chatting. The wise would have taken back the power but stepping away. Then we are still young, maybe I'll get a chance 20~30 years down the line, not that I'm wishing them ill, but things happen. Meanwhile, I'll take this as a catalyst for me to better myself. Go to the gym, get a job and all. I must make myself more attractive if I want a chance in love.


Here comes my melodramatic side again, *Snap* out of it!

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Loving Myself

Just got some pictures back from when I played one of the best men during A&Y's wedding. During another Mahjong-filled weekend at their place, they were playing a DVD replaying the details of their wedding day and one of the friends commented that I looked good in a suit and for the first time in a long while, I agreed. After moving from Hong Kong to the States, my weight have skyrocketed 20 pounds during my freshmen year, and then it's 40 more pounds after I discovered my cooking abilities and during the periods when I have a boyfriend and my attempts to satisfied them domestically. I remember when a friend took my picture during a party and I was horrified by my resemblance with the Michelin man.

Now that I have lost some weight and vanity in tow, I feel better, happier. I think San Francisco, my recent activities or maybe even leaving my former toxical work environment have lifted my spirits up. I'm beginning to see myself and loving what I see. I can't believe how long it has taken me to feel this way. I noticed that I can be more attractive if I smile more so I'm making efforts. Hope that'll boost my confidence.

The Gay Luck Club is hosting a fundraising costume party for Halloween, it'll be the first Halloween costume party I ever attend. I'm thinking I might go as either Frankenstein, because everyone teased me about looking like him when I was growing up, or going as a Chinese vampire to add some cultural interests. I also thought about going there in leather gears as my excuse to purchase some leather stuff for future use. Too bad I didn't have time to get some while I was in SF, I've heard that there was a 20% discount during Folsom.


Poll: So Frank... vampire or white t-shirt, jeans and a leather armband?

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Change of Hearts

Notice how the king is stabbing his own head

I've been thinking maybe I should go back to Medic Guy. I'm too tired of fighting and wasting time, it's not fair for me to hurt him. I asked him to come over Friday night so we can talk things through but then I woke up this morning with an understanding that love is not pity. There's a certain comfort in knowing that someone loves me, disillusioned or not. There's a certain comfort to dwell on a familiar environment, but then those comfort can only provide so much.

I also realize this morning that it is not necessarily about Medic Guy. It is about me being not happy or satisfied about my love life with him. Maybe he doesn't have to show signs that he's cheating on me, sooner or later would have left him because I'm tired of "us". I'm too headstrong and I want things my way, and he's too tied down to follow my lead. Principe was easy going and willing to bend for my will, I miss the guy. When I was with him, I have a strong sense that I was loved.

Since I text Medic Guy Tuesday to see how he was doing, he has been messaging me non-stop. Thinking that we'll get back together, but when he noticed I was being short, he's worried that I'll break up with him when we see each other. The truth is, I don't know where we're going and if we're not going anywhere then I don't want us to keep on seeing each other anymore. I guess I won't know what would happened until it is too late.

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Love In Limbo

I have to admit that I've been quite obsessed of my blog stats, lol. I found people who has linked to my blog that I didn't know before, so I added some new links to my blogroll. I have even thought of going to Dairy Queen again to try the newest brownie bite waffle bowl sundae and write another piece. Haha. Maybe not, but it sure has inspired me to write more entries.

Well, Medic Guy wrote me a long email saying how much he was hurt and that he loves me very much and he'll "be a punk and wait for me". I was really touched, I have never believed that he was a bad person, even if he has or hasn't been cheating on me. I replied back an email detailing why I don't think we will work. It has always been a trust issue with me, over the course of three months he's the one who always comes around. He tells me about his life but there's really nothing for me to grasp on. What I know about him is from his word of mouth, all I have on him is his phone number and email address. If any of that changes, I would have nowhere to find him.

The other problem I have is that we stay at my place way too often. We rarely go out because he's always broke and when we do go out I have to pay for our ways all the time. He told me it's because he has to pay for his grandma's house tax and the renovation and his sister never chips in. While helping his family is all fine and good, I wonder what my future would be like. He's a high-level medic and he earns way more than I do, and I don't want to support us for the rest of my life. I'm tired of being a mule. Is that too selfish a way to think?

I mentioned part of this in the email in hopes not to sound too harsh, and I told him not to wait for me because I don't have a clue how to fix these problems I have and I have a lot of growing up to do. Somehow he replied me back ignoring all my concerns and says we could fix these and get back together. Optimistic, indeed. I don't feel the same way though, I told him to give me a week to decide. Somehow I feel more loved during separation. If I do get back with Medic Guy, I think that would be it, I'll just shut my trap and take whatever comes my way and stay with him forever. (Forever is such a strong word, isn't it?)



After that I went out for a walk. Equality Forum was hosting an event called SundayOut. It's like Pride Fest, a few blocks of Market Street, our major street, was closed down for booths set by different gay supporting business and organizations. It's a great event, I got Hepatitis vaccinations, won some free porno from the video rental booth, got a tarot reading. I was looking for answers but the woman is apparently full of shit. There was a great reader who does reading at some restaurant, maybe I should go and pay him a visit sometimes. I need a push in the right directions.

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Building a Doghouse

I have actually tried to put off writing about Medic Guy for a few days but I guess it cannot be avoided. He was supposed to come over and stay over Thursday night, he said he was going to call me around 7:00 at night but didn't end up contacting me until 11:30 when he got home from work. Of course I was fuming again.

Woke up Friday, verbally spanked him severely with an email. Told him to leave me alone for a few days and he didn't reply or contacted me the whole day. My anger was building up more and more, although I asked him to leave me alone it obviously wasn't what I really wanted. I wanted him to plea and beg for forgiveness, in my head if he really want us to be together he would have done something. I was expecting maybe he will sit on my frontsteps waiting for me to get home with flowers in his hands when I was walking home from work, but nope, nothing. The whole anger thing is giving me a headache, lying in bed trying to calm myself down I was thinking if he really left me alone for a few days then we should really break up. But being a person who can't bottle anything up, I texted him and asked him if he wants this relationship to work and if so how? How can he let me hang there all night waiting for him and then not come over and don't even tell me? He called me being very apologetic as always, saying that he still want us to be together but we both don't know how the relationship would work.

The thing that bugs me the most about him is that he wouldn't fight for me, he needs to get pushed to do something. I have to suggest to him to buy me flowers to woo me. He came over with flowers finally. White roses. And I love white flowers, he chose the right color. I called him an asshole and he took offense and then realized that he deserved that. We went out for dinner, I didn't feel like talking all night, didn't feel like having sex, didn't feel like saying the usual 'I love you's, didn't hold hands. Although we kissed, I didn't feel like I meant it. I tried to really look at him and thinking to myself what I like so much about him. He had been fishing an 'I love you' from me since then, but I still didn't feel like saying it. He knows he is in the dog house and maybe my attitude towards him has changed, I'm not into torturing or punishing a guy for what he has done, I know that to torture him is to torture myself, I'd rather have a clean cut break up but I guess I must still have some sort of feelings for this guy.

A friend told me it is called 'settling', another one said he is a lesson which needed to be learned. I have been reading some older text messages between us and this is not the first time I have flown of the handle for similar things he had done, and I doubt that it would be the last. I'm telling myself one more time and that's it. The best advice I've got is to quit when it's not fun anymore, I think it has gotten very close to that point. I'm afraid it might not just be the fact that I don't feel like saying 'I love you' anymore, but maybe I'm getting to a point that I cannot allow myself to love him because he's able to hurt me and he's not being careful.

I'm usually very analytical and can give precise advice to others, why can't I follow my own?

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The Goodbyes

ES is finally going to move to Maryland near DC this week, we had a potluck party for her yesterday. There was an unfathomable amount of food. I made a vegan pasta primavera with no butter, no chicken broth and no cheese, since someone in the office is a vegetarian and she gave up dairy for lent. Surprisingly, it came out okay. ES has been an amazing friend and it's hard to see her go. I got to play with the kids for one last time. I wasn't particularly sad because I don't think it has hit me yet and I was quite preoccupied with the Medic Guy dilemma. But at the end when she left with her kids and they hugged me it hit me a bit hard. I'm so bad at saying goodbyes.

So yesterday I spent the whole day pretty much like a living dead. My head is in the fog, but honestly I don't have much capacity to bottle myself up, sooner or later I would explode. Supposedly Medic Guy is having an ear infection and can't get together last night, so when I see him online I IMed him and asked how he was feeling all the while going back and forth with myself on how or if I should break up with him. I finally got the courage and sent him a message dishing out how while I was looking to see what he did with the picture I sent him of myself and found out that I'm not the only one sending pictures to him. He argued that it was his other medic friend sending him before and after pictures of himself losing weight (10 pounds).

I also told him that other than the picture, I saw messages of him going to the other person's place while he was supposedly going to dinner to console his divorced girlfriend and he told me that his medic friend went with him and I shouldn't have snooped through his cell phone, and that there is no other guys and that I was the one afraid of commitment and then offered to give me his friend's phone number to prove his innocent. Could the whole thing be explained logically, and he was telling me the truth? Since I've gone this far the relationship is not salvagable anyway, so I said "It wouldn't work anyhow, you're too unavailable and I'm too insecure". We IMed our goodbyes in our civil manner. I spent the rest of the night watching TV in bed fidgeting if I should ask him to take me back, balancing in my head whether having a cheating boyfriend is better than having no boyfriend.

Maybe I'm the stupid ass who's looking for the very first sign on how this relationship wouldn't work and sabotaging own love life, too afraid of being hurt. Maybe he's the player who's collecting boyfriends and instilling self doubt on me to make himself the victim. Either way, it ended. And I did mourn. But I read somewhere "If this happened to a friend of yours what advice will you give?" and I say "Dump him".

Still, I feel like shit...

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Pinocchio, If It Wasn't For Your Nose...

So while I'm snooping through Medic Guy cell phone, (I know it's wrong but...) I found out he's actually seeing another person at the same time. So that's the reason why he cancels our dates and claimed that he needs to see his divorcing girlfriend and such. Conniving little twat.

So I was laying in my bed, thinking about how to break it to him or break up with him. All the "I love you"s were pretty much a big lie, huh? I have to give it to him though, his ability to lie is quite uncanny. The bit about his best friend getting a divorce and he wants to have both of us for dinner is superb. How did he know I wouldn't say yes? And when I'm with him he knows how to make me feel like I'm the only one, like we are really boyfriends. I have so much to learn from it, not that I want to have several boyfriends at once. (Unless it's a poly, of course.)

I didn't sleep well all night, struggling with the fact that he's cheating already. Maybe I wasn't good enough for him? Then found myself dosing off and waken up by sex. Sex has such calming effects, but the whole time I was thinking about it might be our last time, that guy have no idea I'll be breaking up with him soon enough. I thought to myself, might as well make it a good one.

After that we got up and out to get some breakfast and all the while I was looking for a chance to say it out loud, so he can pack up his stuff and go. I didn't have the heart. He was saying WE should find a weekend and get out of town TOGETHER. Maybe WE can go up to New York for a long weekend. WE. WE? What about that other guy? I'm all for a poly if it started out honestly, but now I don't think I can ever trust him again, when he says he's working long hours or when he needs to do some grocery shopping. WE? Is there a WE? I never learned how to dump a person, I don't know how to tell him that I found out about the other guy(s) either. (Look, I snooped on your cell phone while you're taking a shower, but...) I guess I just have to make myself unavailable until he gets the point.

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The Schedule Conflict

Thursday, Medic Guy worked from 9am to 9pm. I went out to have dinner with ES, MP and EK. It's probably our last time having dinner all together before ES move down to Washington D.C. Medic Guy told me he'll be working all day, so I wasn't expecting anything.

Friday, Medic Guy worked from 9am to 9pm again. I'm surprised on how much he works, he told me he'll probably stay at the hospital for the night because he has to work the exact same hours on Saturday and then call me after work saying that he'll go home because he forgot to bring clothes.

Saturday, same hours, he told me he might come by at night. I made some soup, got him flowers. And then he texted me around 6 saying he 'loves' me. I was quite shocked, we only knew each other for a few days. He doesn't even know me that well, how can he love me? An hour later he texted me again saying he can't come because he's exhausted.

Sunday, I walked around town looking for a vase to put his flowers in, he told me he's gonna be coming over at night and spend the night with me and since he don't need to work tomorrow and I got off for President's day, I really looked forward to spend our first whole day together. Went to buy some steak and potatoes which he said he liked. I plan to make my famous steak au poivre with a marsala reduction, scalloped potato gratin and salad. Got hom around 4 and got a message from him saying he had a really bad day and he won't be able to come by and he just promised the hospital to work tomorrow. I texted him back saying 'okay', but by now I'm fuming.

The flowers are sitting in a corner all wrapped up in their new vase. I made some soup that he told me he likes. I blown off a few guys just because I thought we had plans and I even told them that I'm seeing someone. But my boyfriends don't feel like coming by and yet sends me message saying he loves me and misses me. What's wrong with this picture? I feel worst than when I was single. Given I must care about him enough or else I won't be so pissed off, but we only know each other for a week. If this uncertainty will continue to exist in our relationship, I rather do without. What good is the "I miss you"s if later on he decides he don't need to see me? Of course, he pleas for me not to be mad, but it is not something I can control.

When somone promises me something and not deliver, I get upset and disappointed. Maybe I should stop investing so much in it, that way I won't expect as much. After all, we only knew each other for a week.

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Learning the Quirks

Medic Guy is allergic to raw tomato.
Medic Guy doesn't like fish, calamari or mushrooms. (I don't know how I keep dating picky eaters)
Medic Guy lives with and take care of his grandma who has Alzheimer's.
Medic Guy is a Black Irish.
Medic Guy is a flight medic, so he wakes up at 5:15 every day and have strange working hours.
Medic Guy is cold all the time.
Medic Guy is confident, caring with a slight hint of arrogance and can have a mean streak.
Medic Guy snores and turns clingy when he's sleeping.

I'm not allergic to any food.
I eat pretty much everything, except some stuff featured in Fear Factor.
I stay as far away from my aging grandma and other family members as possible.
I'm Chinese.
I'm an IT guy, wakes up around 8:30 and works 9 to 5.
I'm warm all the time.
I'm not as confident but I am caring with a slight hint of arrogance and can have a mean streak.
I snore so loud that DC had to rent another room for me when we were in San Diego and usually I can't sleep if someone is touching me.

- - -

Medic guy showed up yesterday in a Snufkin get up; with a cowboy hat, a big scarf hiding his face and a pea coat. We went out for dinner for a change and talked. He is a very nice guy. We went back to my place, watched TV and he fell asleep around 10:30. I stayed up to watch Jon Stewart and tried to sleep, but woke up a few times at night. I don't know since when I can't sleep with someone is by my side. I have lived with Principe for 6 long years and I was fine, but actually I did better than I thought last night. Maybe I was too self-conscious and didn't want to snore in his presence. He's a comforter-hogger though. He didn't have to work today but he left around 7:30 this morning. I feel the compulsion to get my hands on some sort of ID proving he's who he said he is, does that make me an untrusting little person? I guess I should add insecure to my list, huh?

P.S. If he's Snufkin, does it make me Moomin? I know Medic Guy has been calling me his "Bear" but I don't want to be Moomin...

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"Will You Be My Bear?"

That's the question Medic Guy left on my cell phone after the Grammys. First of all, what bear? Second of all, how come everyone I've met move this fast? I'm not really experienced in dating, so I don't understand.

Medic Guy has been texting me all day yesterday telling me he wanted to come by again at night, and against my best judgment I said 'Yes'. I'm always cautious when people are moving too fast, when they don't know me that well. Do you really like me or you like the idea of having me as a boyfriend? But on the other hand, I really like the guy. So we are in my place, with me making Chicken Parmesan and him watching the Family Guy DVD set. I guess I have to blame myself for creating too much of a nurturing environment. We ate and I quizzed him on what is that he wants when we end up half naked on the bed yet again.

"Someone to share life with." He said. So this is not just sex. I guess I needed that to knock me upside the head. Then he followed with "What do you want?"

"I don't really know what I want right now. But you look very good." That's my now honest and official answer but the last part was true and not a line.

"I guess I can take that." He responded which surprised me.

We decided we would try to be boyfriends. The thought shocked us both. We haven't even met 48 hours ago. How did this happen? My life just got ten times more complicated but the idea of holding hands with him on the streets sounds very sweet, plus he has a huge... I mean a "great personality". So let's give this a try.

He texted and said he's gonna come by again tonight. I wonder how long it is until he gets tired of me. Maybe he just wanted someone to spend Valentine's day with... maybe I'm being too cynical and analytical.

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