Name Your Own Chinese Restaurant Meme

A few years ago, my friend and I were talking about how the majority of the Chinese restaurants here in the States have common keywords in their name. And that it might be fun to create a random generator online just for kicks. While I lack the proper programming techniques to do such a thing, I got inspired by a meme and decided to use their format, so here we go:

Feel free to add your own dim sum restaurant, seafood restaurant, dumpling house, noodle house, vegetarian restaurant, take out, buffet, bakery or chinese bistro add the end for flares. And in case people find this racist, I did survey over 1000 restaurant names on Yelp over 6 major cities.

And just in case anyone wants to know, mine is Lucky Chopsticks "Bar & Grill"!

Read more...

Can I Just Tell You How Much I Like This?

 This sums up the difference in gender expectations.

Read more...

God's Peeing On You

I wonder if this qualifies as a weather phenomenon. A giant penis shaped storm front going through Texas. At least the weatherman reported with a straight face. I wonder if the people at the station really didn't catch it.

Nothing much else to report. Hope the week will get better.

Read more...

Shocantelle Brown - I Beweave Hair Salon

It's a very funny video done by a comedienne. Okrrr...?

Read more...

Music Invasion: Sherry Vine's "Gang Bang"

Further popularized by Quentin Tarantino, I was a big fan of Nancy Sinatra's Bang Bang and Audio Bullys' remix version Shot You Down. I just can't believe how perfect Sherry Vine is to cover this song, it practically sends shivers to my spine. Of course, as every other song done by Sherry, this one is also NSFW. It's a wonderful thing when a drag queen encounters her perfect performance song, though I wish there's a scene change or something. Still, great video.



Gang Bang

There were 5 or maybe 6
Who knows? I couldn't count the dicks
Through a hole, I sucked them all
I know the bathroom at the mall

Gang bang, I went down
Gang bang, to the ground
Gang bang, I didn't drown
Gang bang, on my knees I went down

One day I went to see the Jets
Practice in their dirty sweats
This tight end caught football fever
But now, my friends, I'm a wide receiver

Gang bang, I pulled a train
Gang bang, hey they won the game!
Gang bang, I'll never walk the same
Gang bang, I pulled a choo-choo train

Late one night I walked the street
Looking for a trick to meet
(Hi! You wanna have some fun?
Oh for you? Just ten... um, fi... three dollars.
You're what? You're a cop? Oh you're kidding me, shit!)

New York's finest busted me
Set your records willingly
I do my time with a smile
In the shower doggy-style

Gang bang, no one-on-one
Gang bang, group sex is fun!
Gang bang, on hands and knees
Gang bang, just take a number please!

Read more...

To the Straight Guy at the Party Last Night

From Craigslist:

A mutual friend of ours threw a big party for her 30th birthday, tons of people were there and it was a lot of fun. Somewhere along the line you and I ended up on the balcony for some fresh air at the same time. We started chatting; we talked about sports, books, tv – discovered we both are about to start our masters degrees and spent some time debating the pro’s and con’s of the educational system. We talked about hanging out sometime, and you wanted to meet my girlfriend.

I understand how upsetting it was for you when I blinked mildly in surprise and said I was here with my husband. I know it was a shock to your system, if your face had turned any paler I might have called 911. You made a good recovery though - that hurried mutter of “I’m not like that” was very polite and you only knocked over two drinks and one vase in your hurry to rush to anywhere other than near me. I can’t blame you – I forgot how delicate you straight boys are. So I wanted to give you a few helpful hints about where you went wrong last night.

1) As a general rule we don’t walk around with big signs around our neck proclaiming our sexuality. No scarlet letters, no scent of hellfire and brimstone… sorry about that.

2) We do not generally assume that everyone within 5 feet of us must also be homosexual – it was nice of you to immediately reassure me that you are hetero, but it was really unnecessary.

3) Homosexuality is not infectious. While I am sure you meant no disrespect with your hasty departure; in the future you can rest assured that taking a few extra seconds in your mad dash for safety will not result in you being turned gay. It will however keep you from destroying expensive vases and knocking over senior citizens.

4) This next one may come as a surprise; but you are not, in fact, irresistible. The fact that you have a dick does not instantly turn me into a bundle of uncontrolled lust. Contrary to popular opinion, being in the same room with a straight man does not cause a gay man to instantly lose all common sense and basic common courtesy. Though I am not so sure about the reverse.

5) Homosexuals in general get a little irked when people treat us like some sort of leper. Rushing to another mutual friend of ours and advising him of my sexuality, so he could be “forewarned” was really uncalled for.

6) Upon being told (by said mutual friend) to stop being an idiot and that you were not my type anyway… it generally confuses the issue when you then proceed to become upset that I DON’T find you attractive. Three seconds ago you were running through a crowd of people with your hands cupped protectively over your junk as if I might attack you at any moment with a blowjob. See hint number 4.

7) We homosexuals have an odd sense of humor – I can’t help that. Something about watching you freak out as if all the demons of hell were after you just struck me as vastly amusing.

8) While being pissed at me for dissolving into uncontrollable laughter might be understandable… gathering a couple guys together to “teach the fag a lesson” is not.

9) You might also want to drink a little less and be a little more careful about the guys you approach for your little proto-hate-mob.

10) Assuming the two tall muscle-bound bruisers must be uber-hetero and just as appalled by my presence as you was your first mistake. It was an understandable one though. How were you to know that pflag tshirt the first guy was wearing wasn’t a sports team? Also the rainbow ring the second guy was wearing could have meant anything I am sure.

11) In retrospect I suppose that upon hearing your not very subtle hate-talk and seeing who you were heading for; I could have said something instead of just laughing harder. I apologize for that. I should have just introduced you to my husband instead of letting you walk up to him and ask him if he wanted to help you teach “that fag over there” a lesson. I hope that broken nose heals up cleanly.

Read more...

Urban Camouflage

Last night watching Chelsea Lately (since Jon Stewart is in a two-week book writing vacation), I got introduced to a Japanese designer who designed this:



The crime rate in Japan is pretty low but the recent safety panic compelled designer Aya Tsukioka to design some camouflage street attires to conceal individuals from pursuing robbers and rapists.





Sure it's a fun idea and there are plenty of vending machines in the streets of Japan but the execution is laughable. Instead of running away like any sane people would, you'd have to be constantly wearing this oddly shaped dress as if you're waiting to be assaulted and hoping you'd be able to get away long enough to flip this dress over your head and then hoping you won't tremble with fear. I mean how obvious is a shaking vending machine? You might as well carry a pepper spray.

At the same time, is this meant to be wore at night or during the day? The light of vending machines shine at night and the dress obviously does not. During the day, your shoes sticks out from below plus it's a one-dimensional dress, the 3 dimension look from the last picture above requires two people to pull it off, you can see their shoe). Two people actively wearing the same concept dress while running away from the same criminal instead of calling the cop or running to escape. What are the odds? ...And let's hope there's no wind blowing, shall we?





The child version imitates a holder of fire distinguisher that also populate the street of Japan. I guess it would help to run away from bullies or pursuers (at night?) His legs are out there, so it's still pretty easy to see through it, but I do like the reddish brown leather backpack before the transformation. The kid needs to hold the bag in front of his face, don't they know how heavy the backpack of an Asian student is? It's usually around 20 lbs. He might as well hide behind the real thing of the same height or better yet, there's a big pole right next to him on the right that could hide his whole body.



This little diddy here is called a "Manhole Bag". You're supposed to throw your valuable in the "ho-bag" and throw it on the ground to throw off your pursuer. Hopefully you weren't carrying anything big and it's dark enough to conceal the crease on the bag.

I'm thinking what could be the equivalent for the U.S., there doesn't seemed to be much on the street other than the trash cans, mailboxes or those electrical circuit box that control traffic lights. What kind of contraption would it require for someone to transform into a mailbox? Maybe a shorter/skinnier person can do the transformation but if you're obese, you're on your own.

Maybe I'll get one of these dresses for this Halloween.

Read more...

Blog Intro: 27b/6

I'm not too sure if this is an active blog or not, but David Thorne's 27b/6 has some of the funniest writings I'm read for a long time. I stumbled upon it through the Stranger Slogabout an e-mail exchange between David and a Christian volunteer in the school where David's son Seb is attending. The volunteer has sent out a permission slip to the parents for a presentation on the true meaning of Easter and with the check box pre-filled. Obviously, it doesn't sit well with David, so the hilarity ensued.

The whole exchange really made me laugh. With lines like:

I have received your permission slip featuring what I can only assume is a levitating rabbit about to drop an egg on Jesus.

Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your god's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry.

I understand the importance the resurrection story holds in your particular religion. If I too knew some guy that had been killed and placed inside a cave with a rock in front of it and I visited the cave to find the rock moved and his body gone, the only logical assumption would be that he had risen from the dead and is the son of God. Once, my friend Simon was rushed to hospital to have his appendix removed and I visited him the next day to find his bed empty. I immediately sacrificed a goat and burnt a witch in his name but it turned out that he had not had appendicitis, just needed a good poo, and was at home playing Playstation. [...] has anyone checked his house?

I can only be glad that I'm not in the receiving end of that exchange. After reading most of his posts, I can see that the guy has great wit and writing skills but he's quite relentless and most of the time just looking for someone to fuck with. His main source of amusement seems to be from other people's suffering. Very funny nonetheless.

I don't really know if these e-mail exchanges really did happen or maybe they could all be made up. The outcomes of most of these scuffle always seems to go in David's way since the opponent will eventually get worn out. I guess it's a great technique to have. Every time he goes into one of his outrageous side stories that probably never happened just tickles me pink.

David is selling a compilation of his "work" in a book called The Internet is a Playground and it's getting very good reviews. It's available on Amazon. Though it seems all the material in the book is already available online.



Today is also Ben & Jerry's free cone day between 12 to 8, so go out and get a free cone!

Read more...

Who Is This Craig? And How Many Lists Does He Have?

The anonymity of Craigslist allow it to be a platform where people can say absolutely almost anything. A person with patience to search through the postings could be awarded with hours of amusement. Last year, I found this bit online where a guy breaking up with his boyfriend on Craigslist. Reading Huffington Post, they have found one ad that they claimed to be the most amazing one and 19 craziest ones. They are all very amusing, so I thought I'd share some here.


This is the most amazing ad. Imagine living with this guy, wouldn't you just want to jump out the window and kill yourself after a while?
---


Love is blind, deaf and smells like yam.
---


"Just tell your kids that happy hamster keep still..." lol! Grandpa didn't die, he's just in his happy place!
---


Um... I'm selling my mouse for $50 a pop and they all come with their own glue traps. For $160, you'll get all four of them so they don't have to be separated from each other. You don't want to break up the family now would you?
---


I'm sure this is a helpful solution for a lot of folks. There are so many accidents happening around here.
---


A dollar? Really? Who's desperate enough to soak in noodles for 5 minutes so you can get $1? I wonder how much money the neighbor with a stopwatch is getting. It must be a bet between neighbors on what ridiculous things you can make people do for $1. Sadly, the neighbor is going to lose.
---


You mean to tell me that this lady knows how to use Craigslist but didn't think of putting the words Rusty Trombone on a search engine? She's so getting Dirty Sanchezed for that one.
---

If you have time read the entire post, it's ridiculously funny.

Read more...

Posters That Tell It Like It Is

Via Lady Bunny

Read more...

Too Funny Not To Repost

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Read more...

Happy Tanks-giving!!!

It's Oprah's Tanks-giving Special!

The obscenely rich woman has gone insane (That's probably why she's ending her show) giving away tanks to her audiences:


You get a tank and you get a tank, everybody is getting a mother-f#(king tank!

And here's the Tanks-giving parade that follows:



Hiyo! Tank you! Was it too soon?

Happy Tanks-giving!

Read more...

Choose And Select

What number should you push if you are suffering from more than one illness?



---

Too many questions to answer when you're drunk at 2am. Just go to the one nearest you.

Read more...

The Axe Effect Hoax

I was watching a rerun of Chelsea Lately last night and she was telling us about how there is a lawsuit in India in which a guy was suing the company who produces the Axe bodyspray for false advertising because after 7 years of using their products. No girl was flocking onto him. The so-called Axe effect was non-existence. Um, duh.

It is quite the trivial lawsuit and even a person really believed in such a thing, he would have stopped after finishing the first can of spray instead of keep on using the product for 7 years. But of course, it was a hoax.

It originated from an Indian website similar to The Onion called Faking News. The story goes where 26 years old Vaibhav Bedi couldn't achieve the Axe effect and attract a single girl after 7 years of applying the product. He tried to impress his maid by applying the product naked in an effort to seduce her but was beaten by a broomstick instead, so now he's suing the Axe company for causing him mental suffering.

Haha, it was a good one.

Read more...

Today in Sarcasm

Christopher Walken doing Lady Gaga's Poker Face on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross.




William Shatner doing Levi Johnston's Tweets on Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien.




Happy Hat - A hat that conditions you to smile. Crazy if I've ever seen crazy, hopefully it's a joke or as the above videos, an art piece.




Via Advertising Is Good For You and DutchByDesign.com comes the Home Duvet cover set. This set of 144 thread count features a print of a cardboard box directly printed on cotton. There's also a fitted sheet that imitates brick on the street to complete the surreal experience. Thirty percent of the profit will go to a charity that helps out homeless people in the UK while the costumer can experience hobo life right in the comfort of their own home, um, funny but 144 count is a little low don't you think? Maybe couples can put on torn dirty clothes and smear dirt on each other to pretend having outdoor hobo sex.

Read more...

Religion Flowchart

This is a bit too good to pass up.



I can't decide how many gods I want to worship, it depends on the level of worship it is required. From the different forks, I could either be a Hindu even though there's no good Indian take-outs around, a generic Christian or an Atheist. I think I'll just settle being and Atheist, a lot less work.

Read more...

Blog Intro: People of Walmart (Parking Lot Edition)

I've entered a haiku contest on 8Asians about 2 weeks ago for 3 little humorous coffee table books and I've won. Actually it's no big deal, they chose 2 winners from merely 3 entries. So almost everybody who bothered to write something gets it. I'm not gonna post my winning entry here since one of the rules is that you have to either use the words "FAIL" or the expression "lol" and I've mistakenly use "lol" as one note instead of spelling out L-O-L, so needless to say, I'm quite embarrassed. All three books are blog related, they are How to Take Over the Wurld, Graph Out Loud and FAIL Nation, total around $30 in value. Not too bad, huh?

I feel like I must post this parking lot edition of People of Walmart. I swear it will be my last post for that site. I feel slightly awful that I'm utilizing so many pictures from them but it has been very enjoyable. So enjoy this very last piece.



Did someone died?


Or did they hang themselves?


Oh deer! I think I see the body.


Do you REALLY like that line that much???


On the other hand, THIS guy can't shut up.


This is what I called a utility vehicle.


Double as a tree house for the kids.


For the imaginative. Is this guy the captain...? My bad thought that was a boat wheel.


Is this where they got the turducken idea?



As if the parking lot is that far away... Who would need valet at freakin' Walmart?


Oops... spoke too soon. Can you spot the nouveau riche?


Um... (speechless)

Read more...

Blog Intro: People of Walmart (Swimsuit Edition)

As I was entering my building yesterday after shopping for groceries, a bunch of people got in the building along with me and one of the 20-something girls touched my sleeve and says "Well, you're cute. What do you think about giving me your number?" I appreciate her compliment and thanked her then blurted out that I'm not interested in girls. She proceed to jokingly refer her male companion to me but by then I'm already out of sight.

At night I went to watch the World Series at a neighborhood gay bar. It was a lot of fun with loud fans huffing and hawing about the game. High-fiving with strangers, a young gentleman rubbed his face against mine right after the 8th inning, he's probably high or drunk that's the only explanation to reason his behavior. I take this sudden act of friendliness to be a compliment.

It's great to be at a place with so many excited people when our team, The Phillies, are winning, I doubt that it'd be fun if "we" are losing. Since the only leather/bear bar in town is rumored to be closing soon with a notice at the front door for proof. This neighborhood sports bar could be a replacement, people seems friendly enough.

These pictures are from People of Walmart. If you haven't check them out yet, do!


Looks like an over-sexified extra on MadMen.


Apparently no one is eating Gilbert's grape or any other fruits or vegetables.


Pregnant stripper?! Do you have to pay extra?


Looks like one of those toys that won't fall.


The silhouette of the body is so altered that it has become inspiring.


My gay brother needs some help.


I hope there's blood circulation somehow.


Laundry Day?


I like a hairy guy but not Sasquatch here trying be normal around humans.


Um, this is attractive, how? Just because it looks funny in a souvenir shop doesn't mean you HAVE to buy it.


Now for some rare eye candy:


Hot!!!

Read more...