Stage Fright

My first ever memory is meeting my father in Paris for the very first time when I was 3, we were at his restaurant and my mom was trying to have me recite the alphabets to him to impress him, but I got so nervous that I couldn't do it. My mom got a bit pissed at me but I never liked the guy, at the end when we left he got me such a hard head rub that hurt my head. I think he resented me because I was an accident, my parents weren't even married and I'm my mom's leverage to tied my father down.

I must have had ADD when I grew up, maybe it's the time that I was running in our apartment in Hong Kong and I slipped and banged my head on the edge of the bed ending up in the hospital getting stitches that screwed me up, or maybe it's the time in kindergarten where I tripped and fall down the stairs at the end of the school day and got trampled by all the other kids. But I have never been able to concentrate for a long time and since that particular episode with my father, I have developed stage fright.

Well, one cannot have stage fright without the urge or opportunity to perform and I have an urge to perform. Television has been my babysitter and my mom love to listen and sing along to music, so I have been exposed to performance art. Growing up, I thought I could be a star until my uncles and grandma let me know unpractical it was to even try. It didn't deter me from joining the drama club, the choir and participate in singing contests, although I'm always so scared when I'm on stage or even speaking out in public. I would tremble from the bottom of my heart and the last few years, I started to stutter. It's not severe, but it shows that I have serious issues. I have no problem talking to friends or at home, but to I get very nervous in a large crowd, especially when they are composed of people I don't know.

I have to remind myself not to take myself so seriously and let go. Being nervous doesn't solve anything.

Below are the first performances recorded in photograph. Once a year my school did a street fair around the neighborhood and we all wore costumes and marched around the block and did some kind of street performance. My mom made all my costumes.


The first year, we were doing LaFontaine's fables, I was the bull and the girl was the frog.


Second year, we had dialog and I played a chef who cooked the old lady's cat. Um... was it because I'm Asian? lol.