Best Breakup Ever

Ruff at Ruff's Stuff found this on Craigslist

Let me begin by saying that I am not angry and that after finding out who the guy is that you are fucking, well, bravo. He’s hot. I get it, the whole French thing is a major turn on, and to be honest, I don’t blame you. Furthermore, since I know you two search CL for people to join in, I felt it to be the best way to let you know the following before you come bounding home tomorrow afternoon.

1. I’ve known for about a week now. Contrary to popular belief, I can smell him on you when you come home after a night of “studying,” or, “working.” I wondered what that was. Not cool.
2. After a brief moment of being really pissed off, I realized that we are living in MY apartment. -Sweet!! As such, your key fob will no longer open any of the outer doors to my building. Your parking pass has been deactivated and security will not let you past the front desk. Furthermore, your access card allowing the elevator to go my apartment has been deactivated. Also, the door locks have been changed.
3. I have ceased all automatic monthly payments to your bills. You no longer have access to any of my accounts. Perhaps the French guy will take up your student loans. He does know your poor, right?
4. Your belongings are gone. Since I am a reasonable man, I have moved them into a Self Storage unit. The unit is paid up for a month so you’ll have ample time to get them. The address and combination to the unit have been left with the security guard at the front desk. I couldn’t remember if the stuffed panda was yours or mine so I threw it in with the rest of your stuff just in case. I’m not sure how long the plants will last though.
5. Security has been alerted at my office and you will not be allowed entry. Don’t try it. Those guys have about 50 pounds on you, and they carry guns.
6. Anything you have with you right now is yours and I will not look to get any of it back. Just a suggestion though; don’t try and sell my watch. I have the certificates for it and most reputable dealers won’t buy it unless you have the proper documentation. Those that would will probably just take the watch from you, along with your wrist and most of your arm.
7. The keys to your car are at the front desk as well. Your car will be towed unless you pick it up before 5pm on Tuesday. Although I might change my mind between now and then so, the sooner the better.
8. I have blocked your number.
9. I’ve blocked your mom’s number.
10. I’m keeping the dog. Even though you picked him out, I paid for him. He likes me more anyway.

In case you missed it, I’m breaking up with you.

You were good. I had no idea that I slowly became your sugar daddy, which is weird because you are older than I am. How’d that happen?

* Location: Downtown
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