>> Monday, June 30, 2008
It's the smell of his detergent and the fan above his bed that created the illusion of a world of intimacy. I've been reasoning an explanation of my obsession for him as if finding the cause will cure me off it. I wrote a blog entry and keeping it myself just to vent and I think it helped. I didn't realize how many love songs are in my iPod but when Vanessa Marquez's Good Girl came on, it made me laugh and my mood changed. It doesn't have anything to do with my situation but I can't help but giggle with the chorus.
I don't quite know why I'm so obsessed. Maybe I'm getting older and I still don't have anybody by my side that I can call a mate. Honestly I think I need something meaningful in my life to live for and I felt a connection with Lucius. We are both an insecure child deep down inside. I thought we both needed the same motivations and maybe we can add meaning into each other mundane lives. Maybe that's not what he is looking for, maybe he just wanted to kill time, maybe he needs to figure out what he really wants and he needs a friend to support him in the meantime. It's be hard to stay friends, but I'll try my best to be there after I get all these feelings and obsessions out of my system. Even though I got rejected, I still believe that he's a good person who needs support and care.
Maybe it's consumerism and advance technologies that made everything so instantly available and when something do not appear instantaneously it drives me crazy. Of course, I can buy a dog or rent a boy but I don't think it can replace a boyfriend. The consumer culture has spoiled me and I don't know how to handle rejection. (Pan to me getting arrested for punching the job interviewer for denying me a year later) Rejection does produce a lot of insecurity but I think we all owe Greg Behrendt for popularizing the concept of "He's Just Not That Into You", it saved so many of us trying to find the reason.
Surprisingly, after a night of dreams I felt a lot better. The healing power of sleep is amazing, although my ability to sleep has decreased more and more. I just heard from a commercial that people only sleep 6 hours? I used to be able to sleep for 10 hours and now it's about 7. I don't remember what the dreams were about but I was reminded that Lucius is not exactly perfect, he has a lot of good qualities for sure but he also has a lot of issues. I guess part of me was drawn to him because I thought maybe I could fix him. I mean nobody is perfect and in every relationship you win some and you lose some, but that helped me refocus and eventually move on.
I still have difficulty facing him though, we are still officially friends. I still plan on helping him to move a couch and his birthday is coming up next week. I just really have to learn how to deal with this kind of situation even though it's the first time that happened to me, I doubt that it would be the last.
P.S. Sorry for sounding so crazy and post so much on this little bitty affair. Just needed to vent, maybe at the end I can just reduced the whole thing into the week that I went a little bit crazy.
How could I mistaken us having sex for making love?