Everybody Has Problems

I'm approaching my mid 30s and I still don't think I have my life altogether. Career-wise, I feel like I'm stuck. My current job don't offer career development, so I feel like I'm getting further and further behind in technology. Finance-wise, I don't own any properties and my saving is minimal. My social life is improving but still quite minimal, most nights I stay home, go online or watch TV. I can count all my meatspace friends with both hands. My love life is disastrous, I should be so depressed.

Maybe I am putting unnecessary stress on myself, but I feel like it's time for me to find a guy and settle down. I'm ready. I realized it wouldn't fix everything, but it'll be nice to have some companionship, some support and a goal to work for. The perfect mate is really hard to find, I didn't think I had a list but apparently I do. I recognize that I prefer white/latino guys of a certain height in relatively good shape, preferably with a nice chest with hair on it, of course, a cute muscle butt and nice size junk, being good in bed, smell good and a nice head on the body would add to the whole package.

Aside from the physical aspects, there's the personality. Nice, caring, considerate, affectionate, supportive and masculine would sum it up. Have a good and secure job. Is that too much to ask? I used to not care about money, but the older I get, the more I do. Especially after having my string of boyfriends who likes being "taken care of", I much rather have someone who can pay for their own share.

Nowadays, dating seems like going into a long hallways with tons of doors on each side. You get to open them one at a time and see where it leads to, what's inside for you. I'm not focusing on being casual and having fun, I imagine what kinda life I will lead if I chose to stay on with the person. More often than not, I find something wrong with it and close another door. Maybe I'm trying to find someone who'll fix me up, balance my failed career with their success, balance my misery with their exhuberance. It's unhealthy and wrong. There's no perfection behind the doors and the hallway is getting shorter and shorter and my feet are growing weary.

I need to occupy myself with something more constructive for my life, obsessing and psychoanalyzing it wouldn't help me. Meeting all these people has made me pretty good at analyzing people, I wonder if I should pursue a degree and a career as a psychiatrist, it'll be like being a modern day fortune teller. I meet people when I am bored, which is often. There's a successful guy with a stress induced inferior complex who wants to be humiliated, a self loathing religious boy that gets mean with humor after sex, an aggressive guy with no ambition, a boy with serious abandonment issue, another guy who defines himself with things that he won't do or eat or wear, a mean old bitch, the list goes on.

I recognize a lot of hurt souls when I see them, actually almost everyone I met is broken in some ways. I try to hold them tight in my arms, make them feel safe and cared for. It is not only for their sake but there is an affectionate feeling in me that I need to find a target to express and I need to feel that physical proximity myself. More often than not, it is selfish and I don't even care who it is. Although it is a dangerous game, while some would move on to the next one, others mistook my affection for love and lingers and gets clingy; eventually someone always get hurt.

I know I need to work on myself and do it fast. Maybe life didn't turn out the way I want it to, but like they say it's never too late to steer it to a better direction. (Is this what people called a mid-life crisis?)


"Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree?" - Sweet Dreams, Eurythmics.