Disturbia, Part 3

(The conclusion of this disturbing story)

Judy has a younger brother called Albert, and we used to dislike him among us cousins and called him Stupid (The "Bert" sound and the "Pid" sound, sounded both like "But" to us). The kid was major league spoiled by their father who made it pretty obvious that he had the traditional Chinese mentality that sons were better than daughters. He was always being mean to Judy, while spoiling Al. I was a bully and I made that a point to rough him up every now and then to keep him grounded. One time, I yanked down his pants and it was the first time I saw an uncut dick, I understand that it was abuse now, but back then I wasn't that much older and didn't know any better.

Recently, I have learned from Dan Savage that kids do explore sexually and that it is normal and the trauma doesn't come from that but from the reaction of grown-ups. But I had a lot of guilt and shame associated with it for the longest time. Given that I'm gay as well, I have avoided handling other people's children afraid that I might be branded a pedophile even though I have no interest in kids whatsoever. Of course, I never apologized to my cousins, I wonder how much of they remembered. Last time I was in Hong Kong, Judy acted a bit "dykey" and Al looked like a triad member. Could I have turned Judy into a bulldagger and Al a gangbanger?

At school, kids were playing a silly prank called "castration" which a boy go up to another boy, touch his genitals while he's not expecting it and run away. It's like a "I've got your nose" kinda thing. This game continues through early high school, somewhere during elementary school I already know I like boys. One boy in particular really liked to feel me up, so one day we locked ourselves in the classroom during lunch and explored a little. He really wanted to touch me, but was not keen on being touched. He asked me if we were gay, I know I was but I told him we were just being curious. I even unzipped to give him more access, but when I thought it was my turn, he jumped out and tore a big hole in his crotch. I couldn't stop laughing, nor his other friends when they see it coming back from lunch. A few days later, he told his friends that I would go to his place to study. Huh? When did I say anything like that? His place was totally out of my way, why would I want to go to his place? It wasn't until years and years later that I understood what that was all about.

Since then, my sexual impulses had laid dormant other than for some racy newspaper articles. I have always known that I was gay, I just don't quite know what to do with it until a lot later. I haven't learned how to masturbate until I was 18, and I stayed a virgin until I was 23 when I was in Boston. I want in this upper scale gay bookstore and a guy was following me all around the place, I even twisted a few turns just to make sure he was following me. (I never notice if someone is cruising me or checking me out but this guy was being way too obvious) When I left, the guy approached me and asked me if I want to hook up. He was a much older white guy, not my type at all, but I figure I was getting too old to still stay a virgin. He said he was from out of town so he doesn't have a place, which I know it was a lie, so we went across the street and got a hotel room. He was into spanking, which I completely didn't enjoy, and other than that we couldn't do anything. It was quite hilarious actually, the guy was quite stunned to find out that it was my first time. Although, we couldn't do anything much but oral, I still count it as my first official sexual experience (unlike Bill Clinton), my hilarious yet horrible first sexual experience.


I even have to pay for the room myself, pathetic.