Disturbia, Part 2

(Continuing on my story of sexual discovery)

My father didn't die in my hands of course, I don't think I've even touched him. What was a skinny 7 year old kid gonna do? But like any good kung fu series, there is now a villain in my head and my dad was it. From then on, I started to develop a slight Oedipus complex in which I thought I could replace my father and make my mother happy; I was to become the man of the house. I was developing sexually as well, I remember grinding myself on my mom one time and felt good about it. My mom was quick to nip that disgusting behavior on the butt, I guess I must have been dubbed the demon seed or at least thinking like father like son.

Afterwards, I was enthusiastic about finding my mom another man instead. There was my uncle, my father's restaurant staff, my mom's boss from the sweatshop where she worked for our travel funds, I was eager to ask whether they would be my new father even though my real dad still came to visit every now and then. I remember there was a French guy who was sitting next to us on our flight back to Hong Kong one time and after chatting with him for a while we became close and my mom offered to show him around during his stay. He was a rather attractive fellow with some chest hair on him. If there is ever a guy who I'd choose to be with my mom, that guy would have been it. I wonder if my eagerness to find another guy for my mom translated into my sexuality later in my life. I'm just saying but I did develop a preference for nice, hairy white/latino guys, although back then I still don't know what sex is.

My first confrontation with sex comes about a television show when I was about 10. After my mom was hospitalized with cancer, we were forced to go back to Hong Kong in order for my grandma to take care of us. Television has long been my nanny long before my mom was sick she used to work at a sweatshop and until this day I still watch an obscene amount of TV. There was a show that was on every early Saturday evening called Cop News, where the Police Department report and reenact the latest crimes to warn the citizens America's Most Wanted style.

I remember seeing an episode which a woman was being dragged and raped by two guys and wonder to myself, "Well, what's so special about girls? Why did those guys want her so bad?" So when I was left alone with my cousin Judy who's 2 years younger than I who I used to think that I would marry her when I grow up, I persuaded for her to show me what she has that I don't and I showed her what I've got and we even touched each other. We were giggling in bed and my grandma heard us and left the kitchen, when she found out was we were doing she freaked out. She called my uncles and aunts and sat me down with all of them and asked where I learn to do that. I didn't know what was wrong with it but felt that I must have done something really wrong.


This was the guy (Ignore the Hello Kitty shirt, I beg you...)