Sugar In My Bowl

I've just read a pretty interesting article over at gay.com called Saving Face in a Sugar Daddy Dynamic.

It is interesting to me because I have a tendency to be the Sugar Daddy in my relationships, regardless of how all my partners had been considerably older than me and some even earn more than I do. It's mostly because of my pride. I have never really liked to have people paying for my stuff, I feel guilty when that happens. And since I do like older men, there are a lot of stereotypical scenario associated with that and I don't like to feel that I was being kept.

When I was dating my first boyfriend, my family was supporting me through college and I do have the freedom to spend my own money. My first boyfriend was a TV news anchor which provided him with great income, but then he was in a lot of debt. So I took care of him mostly even though he's twice my age. After that I met some people who are just plainly selfish and only know to take. Principe has a family to support and I was only took happy to take care of him. And then Medic Guy seems to think that he's pretty enough. (Can I say I'm a giver now?)

I don't want to say that it is hard to be Asian, but I guess it is. Especially when I'm going out with my mate in restaurants and get ignored completely by the wait staff. It is the case half the time, all the attention goes to the older white guy I'm dating and I'm treated as the tag along. It happens even in Chinese restaurants. I don't want to raise this point as a racist issue, because I think they are just catering more to the one that they think is paying the bill and usually it IS the older white guy. But since in my case I'm the one who usually does it, I can't help but feel unjustified and frustrated.

Lately though, I have learn to let go. I don't have to pay for everything all the time. I understand it must be a control issue for me as well, but I'm not a millionaire and I don't need to pay for people for them to like me. Although my Chinese background would still urge me to do that, at least I've learned not to base an entire relationship on who pays the bill.