The Cheese-Filled Day, Pt. 1

8:30am - Having been asked to be one of the best men and I'd be picked up at 9:30am, I begrudgingly left the warmth of my bed. Why me? SV said A (the groom) doesn't have much single friends, him and I are probably it. We asked around and nobody wants to participate in the embarrassing bride receiving ceremony and I can understand why. But poor schmuck.

9:30am - I'm ready to go, SV called and said he won't be able to pick me up until an hour later and apologized. I said "It's not my wedding, you don't need to apologize to me." I took off my jacket and start browsing for porn.

10:30am - Finally, SV picked me up and we are heading to the A's place. SV told me that he want us to color coordinate and asked me to wear my red shirt and a silver tie. I did but apparently he changed his mind, so I'm the only one looking like a triad member. Down the street a lady is hanging her sheets to air dry in the middle of the street, blocking the whole block. Maybe she's crazy.

11:00am - At A's place. A got a few married friends to help out, we drove over to Y's place to "kidnap" the bride. I just realized that SV had shaved his goatee, not good, his face needs it.

11:15am - We got there, the photographers asked us to back out and drive in again so they can shoot again. They have us waved like we were all hyper and crazy while yelling "Hands higher" and "More action". The crazy Chinese photographer are the pits of the Asian Tourist Syndrome. I thought they will do it paparazzi style and capture a moment, but no, we have to act them all out like some sort of play. It's too contrive for my taste.

11:25am - The games have commenced. In the Chinese tradition, it is the bridesmaids' duty to play hard to get. The groom and his men needs to perform tasks, give money and pretty beg for them to release the bride. The bridesmaids will try to embarrass the groom as much as possible, I've heard horror stories about eating disgusting things or wasabi straight from the tube to show your sincerity, sing stupid songs, answering questions that other people have no business knowing. We have prepared red envelopes with money in them to bribe the girls, who are all behind the closed gate, but we are meant to negotiate the price down.

11:35am - SV is sweating like a madmen, partly because he doesn't know how to speak Chinese clear enough to negotiate anything. The girls had received some money and now we have to do push-ups one by one. Only 10 per person and it seems incredibly easy, the groom did it, SV and another best man did it, it comes to my turn and I don't have much upper body strength. The girls are complaining how I don't lie all the way down. One of them opened the gate, maybe she was going to push me down, but I caught the gate with my left hand and yanked it open. The girls screamed and receded to the second floor where they kept the bride. We marched in, I got one for the boys.

11:40am - All there's left between the groom and the bride was a wooden door. And the girls didn't even close it they just stood before it like we couldn't get passed them. Amateurs. They wanted the groom to sing songs until they are satisfied enough to let us in. What a joke. A few of us just rammed, and we got in. They stood aside and complaint about non-existing bruises. All the sudden, I have became the brute, the aggressor, the Mob Boss.

12:15pm - We got back to A's house with the bride. They did the tea ceremony for Y's parents at Y's house and they're doing the same for A's parents at A's house. We ate some stuff that A's family prepared and started playing Mahjong. To make the bridesmaids happier, we have given them another set of red envelopes. That would teach them to be such amateurs. All the sudden 5 of the 8 bridesmaid are playing Mahjong with little old me and I felt immensely popular. (I have to agree that there were not much eye candies amongst the groomsmen.)

2:15pm - We headed out to the art museum to take more pictures and the photographers are making us do more cheesy poses. Four girls were in the back of SV's huge Jeep in skimpy dresses. I'm helping them get in and get out of the car, carrying their bags. All the sudden my outfit made sense, not only was I the Mob Boss, I was also the Pimp.

2:30pm - "Move in slow motion", "carry that bag for me", if the photographers weren't Y's uncles I would have punched them until they see stars. But then I'm there to help, even though it was 90 degrees out there and everybody were sweating like hell, we were just there to help and play extras. "Put out your hands and say Tada", "Put out your hands and form a bridge so the bride and groom can go underneath them", all the sudden I realized I am no Pimp, I'm just a clown performing cheesy acts. I hope my intolerance for cheese don't come across in my pictures.

4:00pm - Back in the car, SV's dropping me home so I can take a shower and change into something more toned down for the banquet. I think I'll save my silver tie until I need to scare some kids straight next time.


YvesPaul working the Triad look.