Love... Convoluted

>> Friday, October 06, 2006

It must be the stress I'm feeling lately, I'm starting to feel annoyed by the slightest thing. Work is one thing; the spyware-invaded computers by their careless, nothing-to-do-but-browse-the-internet users, the nobody-would-ever-read-them reports requested by those it's-due-by-the-end-of-today-but-I'm-not-gonna-tell-you-until-four-o'clock a-holes. But I think the stress starts to affect my personal life.

El Principe loves me, I can feel it but maybe I'm insecured; I like to be told. Oftenly. When I say the "I love you"s, all I hear back is "Me too." It's never initiated by my counterpart. I'm annoyed. I understand that he is not used to showing affections. He was and still is "In the closet", but I need something more or at least to show some self-empowerment - I "deserve" something more. Lately, I try to control myself and stop saying those "I love you"s and see how long before he would initiate those comments. I'm so used to saying that, it's really hard for me to stop. And I know testing your lover ia really unhealthy, but this is really a kind of reassurance that I need. But then I starts to realize something, maybe I only give affection to get affection, maybe my affection wasn't genuine in the first place. Maybe I don't love him at all, I'm just saying it because I want to hear it. How do I know that I really love him?

Now I'm having nightmares about breaking up with him. It is so unevitable, he told me from the start that eventually he needs to go back to Argentina. By this time next year, he's going to be gone. A relationship of 5 years will end. Of course, he told me that he'll be back, perhaps three years later. He asked me to wait for him, but will I really wait for him? Can I? I'm such a faithless man, how do I know he will ever come back? How do I know I'm important enough for him to come back for? I don't even know I'll be in this country a year from now.

Maybe I'm pushing him away right now by playing those head games. I hate myself. I hate this. At times, I wish time would never pass. If I can only pick a moment in time and just stay there forever. If I don't nee to pay rent or eat, I would have stayed in my apartment forever. Who needs other people? I definitely need a candy or something to lift me up from this emotional slump.

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