Dwelling In The Past - Now And Forever

>> Monday, October 16, 2006

I don't know why I'm thinking about my mom that much these few days. Maybe I'm feeling quite motherly with my knitting projects, maybe because ES is pregnant, maybe all the gym session has my blood pumping to a part of my brain that's rarely visited, or maybe I just have some childhood issues to work out. But I'm quite used to dwell in my past, so I guess there's nothing too special about it.

My grandma used to use a very accusatory tone to ask me why I didn't cry when my mother died, as to say maybe I didn't love my mom enough to feel sad. I was enjoying myself at her funeral talking to the relatives that come to attend her wake. I guess it's because I haven't seen my mom with her being in the hospital all the time and the hospital don't allow children to go visit, I was quite lonely for the most part. So I guess I was excited to see that many people, friends and family of my mom all in one place, people that I haven't seen for a while. Another reason for why I wasn't as sad as I should be is because I guess I never understand the concept of death, I didn't believe that she really died.

My mom, uncles and grandma is always in the hospital leaving me alone at home. So I watched a lot of TV to keep from feeling alone. The themes of Hong Kong Television Shows are always around fairy tales or kung fu magic or police dramas. When I was told that my mom died, I thought that's just a lie. I thought that she's either going undercover or she'll revive just like Jesus did. That's a show a called "Treasured Lotus Lamp (寶蓮燈)" described a mother trapped under a mountain and was rescued by her son and become a deity or some sort of a god. I always thought my mom was somebody special, so I believed that she might somehow still be alive. So I wasn't as sad as I could be, I didn't cry as much as I should have. Big deal.

I do dwell in the past a lot. Thinking about my friends. Good times I had when I was in high school. It keeps me going, put a smile on my face. It's important to me to remember my past, although at times it's important not to dwell in the past as well. It's not productive to just think about the past. Life should be about here and now, maybe even the future or working towards a future. Sometimes, the past does not progress into a bright present and it could be disappointing. But like they say what's past is past, the only thing we can do is just to learn from it.

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