Plunging Into Oblivion

>> Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I'm beginning to think that I'm actively breaking my heart so that the pieces become so little that at the end even if they break again, I won't feel pain anymore. It's not a passive thing, I'm being proactive about it, I'm sure. I'm convinced that everyone that I know that everyone I'm falling for is unavailable and the most unsuitable guys I can find. In fact, that is a requirement. If you fall for me in the first 5 days we met, you're clearly not for me. I have to be the subservient one, or how else can I play the victim at the end? As a gay Hong Kong singer Anthony Wong had sung "Smeared mascara is not enough, change costumes and jump through a window."

We're going for the dramatics. Fear of rejection, cringing for the inevitable and then go for the jugular. It's not pretty enough if you don't get the red from the blood. Scream from the top of your lungs for the things you're more afraid of, get prosecuted for it and watch it happen. It's not that you're not smart and you don't know it, but instead of bathing in the sweet of it, throw a stone through your own mirage and step on the glass on your bare feet. What of it? That's what modern heroism is reduced to anyhow.

Life is so not going my way and I'm tired of it all. The hell with it.

"Stop holding onto people so tight"

My buoy will stay afloat and mossy down the river, I should quit grabbing everything I find and just accept my fate and sink to the bottom. Nothing is simple. Nothing is easy. Nothing begets nothing. The truth is I long for something simple and easy and that's what I'm getting.

"Stop being a pussy, Paul."

Would it hurt as much if it doesn't ring truth or if you don't care for that particular person?

Can I ever learn? I'm too proud and stubborn to change my ways even though nothing is working out, I much rather deteriorate thinking I was right, thinking I know better when I clearly don't. I'm lost. Through no fault of others. I have brought it on my own.

I think I'd stop posting for a while, until I've gathered myself up.

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