The Power Struggle

It's the same old story, I let myself gone completely infatuated and obsessed over CuteCub again. Sure, he's completely my type, good looking in a cute adorable way. He's got nice facial hair, sparkling eyes and a nice hairy chest, a little shorter than me, but it just accentuate his build, charming, educated and he seems to like me well enough. The guy rates pretty high for me, 80%~90% perfect, the problem is that he already has a boyfriend and have no intentions to have open it into a poly. It's futile, as much as he likes to flirt and enjoys the attention. We have seen each other 3~4 times in the past weeks and chatting online every single day, but it can never be and having a person around who reminds me what I can never have is cruel to say the least.

I'm trying to figure out my problem with guys. Maybe somebody else's boyfriend had a stamp of approval on their forehead and are more attractive for it. Or maybe the ones that I can easily have are not good enough because my self-esteem is that low, but my latest observations in the political world have pointed me to the concept of power.

How does one acquire power? I'm pretty sure the ones who are always agreeable would be deemed as pushovers. The ones who always disagree are deemed to be unreasonable and hence not worth the effort. As in voting, the ones that can relinquish power are the undecided ones, the ones that goes two steps forward and three steps back - the teasers. Maybe that's why nothing ever gets done.

The ones that have my heart hangs upside down are all unavailable in one way or another, while still retains a friendly facade. With Lucius, he doesn't want to be tied down and he has other issues. Medic Guy is constantly available, although I think he just like me for my looks than me. Even Principe doesn't deny me much but one thing, his ass, but maybe that's for the best. I'm scared to find out that if the perfect guy came along and give me everything I wanted, I might feel bored.

At least I told him how I felt, so there's nothing left for regrets. We are still chatting. The wise would have taken back the power but stepping away. Then we are still young, maybe I'll get a chance 20~30 years down the line, not that I'm wishing them ill, but things happen. Meanwhile, I'll take this as a catalyst for me to better myself. Go to the gym, get a job and all. I must make myself more attractive if I want a chance in love.


Here comes my melodramatic side again, *Snap* out of it!