The Goodbyes

ES is finally going to move to Maryland near DC this week, we had a potluck party for her yesterday. There was an unfathomable amount of food. I made a vegan pasta primavera with no butter, no chicken broth and no cheese, since someone in the office is a vegetarian and she gave up dairy for lent. Surprisingly, it came out okay. ES has been an amazing friend and it's hard to see her go. I got to play with the kids for one last time. I wasn't particularly sad because I don't think it has hit me yet and I was quite preoccupied with the Medic Guy dilemma. But at the end when she left with her kids and they hugged me it hit me a bit hard. I'm so bad at saying goodbyes.

So yesterday I spent the whole day pretty much like a living dead. My head is in the fog, but honestly I don't have much capacity to bottle myself up, sooner or later I would explode. Supposedly Medic Guy is having an ear infection and can't get together last night, so when I see him online I IMed him and asked how he was feeling all the while going back and forth with myself on how or if I should break up with him. I finally got the courage and sent him a message dishing out how while I was looking to see what he did with the picture I sent him of myself and found out that I'm not the only one sending pictures to him. He argued that it was his other medic friend sending him before and after pictures of himself losing weight (10 pounds).

I also told him that other than the picture, I saw messages of him going to the other person's place while he was supposedly going to dinner to console his divorced girlfriend and he told me that his medic friend went with him and I shouldn't have snooped through his cell phone, and that there is no other guys and that I was the one afraid of commitment and then offered to give me his friend's phone number to prove his innocent. Could the whole thing be explained logically, and he was telling me the truth? Since I've gone this far the relationship is not salvagable anyway, so I said "It wouldn't work anyhow, you're too unavailable and I'm too insecure". We IMed our goodbyes in our civil manner. I spent the rest of the night watching TV in bed fidgeting if I should ask him to take me back, balancing in my head whether having a cheating boyfriend is better than having no boyfriend.

Maybe I'm the stupid ass who's looking for the very first sign on how this relationship wouldn't work and sabotaging own love life, too afraid of being hurt. Maybe he's the player who's collecting boyfriends and instilling self doubt on me to make himself the victim. Either way, it ended. And I did mourn. But I read somewhere "If this happened to a friend of yours what advice will you give?" and I say "Dump him".

Still, I feel like shit...