Building a Doghouse

I have actually tried to put off writing about Medic Guy for a few days but I guess it cannot be avoided. He was supposed to come over and stay over Thursday night, he said he was going to call me around 7:00 at night but didn't end up contacting me until 11:30 when he got home from work. Of course I was fuming again.

Woke up Friday, verbally spanked him severely with an email. Told him to leave me alone for a few days and he didn't reply or contacted me the whole day. My anger was building up more and more, although I asked him to leave me alone it obviously wasn't what I really wanted. I wanted him to plea and beg for forgiveness, in my head if he really want us to be together he would have done something. I was expecting maybe he will sit on my frontsteps waiting for me to get home with flowers in his hands when I was walking home from work, but nope, nothing. The whole anger thing is giving me a headache, lying in bed trying to calm myself down I was thinking if he really left me alone for a few days then we should really break up. But being a person who can't bottle anything up, I texted him and asked him if he wants this relationship to work and if so how? How can he let me hang there all night waiting for him and then not come over and don't even tell me? He called me being very apologetic as always, saying that he still want us to be together but we both don't know how the relationship would work.

The thing that bugs me the most about him is that he wouldn't fight for me, he needs to get pushed to do something. I have to suggest to him to buy me flowers to woo me. He came over with flowers finally. White roses. And I love white flowers, he chose the right color. I called him an asshole and he took offense and then realized that he deserved that. We went out for dinner, I didn't feel like talking all night, didn't feel like having sex, didn't feel like saying the usual 'I love you's, didn't hold hands. Although we kissed, I didn't feel like I meant it. I tried to really look at him and thinking to myself what I like so much about him. He had been fishing an 'I love you' from me since then, but I still didn't feel like saying it. He knows he is in the dog house and maybe my attitude towards him has changed, I'm not into torturing or punishing a guy for what he has done, I know that to torture him is to torture myself, I'd rather have a clean cut break up but I guess I must still have some sort of feelings for this guy.

A friend told me it is called 'settling', another one said he is a lesson which needed to be learned. I have been reading some older text messages between us and this is not the first time I have flown of the handle for similar things he had done, and I doubt that it would be the last. I'm telling myself one more time and that's it. The best advice I've got is to quit when it's not fun anymore, I think it has gotten very close to that point. I'm afraid it might not just be the fact that I don't feel like saying 'I love you' anymore, but maybe I'm getting to a point that I cannot allow myself to love him because he's able to hurt me and he's not being careful.

I'm usually very analytical and can give precise advice to others, why can't I follow my own?