Steps On Making The Perfect Woman (NSFW)

Nope, I'm not peddling titty porn here. A friend asked me if I can make a boob cake for her friend's birthday party so I spent 24 hours trying to make the cake the best I know how.

1. I got a boob mold pan from a novelty store and thought the boobs are a little too small which probably means that I'm a size queen, at least for cakes anyway.

2. Bake the cakes! Originally I was trying to make sheet cakes and stack them together, but the sheet cakes turned out to be a disaster with them wrinkling and even burning. The batter I end up using was a white cake batter found here. I used 3 times the batter to fill the boob mold and three 9" square cake pans.

3. Make pastry cream/cream/icing, melt jam and slice fruit. For this cake, I used a white chocolate pastry cream that I found here, strawberry jam and strawberries.

4. Put two cakes side-by-side, brush with melted jam, frost with pastry cream, layer with strawberries slices. Put another two cakes on top, brush with jam, frost with cream, layer with strawberries. Put another two cakes on top, brush and frost. layer strawberry slices at the center of one of the cake stack. Put the boobs on top and frost the whole thing. Fridge this gigantic thing.

5. Make fondant. I used the marshmallow fondant recipe found here with a few tweaks. Instead of melting marshmallows, I used Fluff and to get the skin color, I used food colorings. This video explains how.



Even with the video and recipes, it's hard to get it right since I've never touch real fondant myself, so the end product wasn't that great. It got too sticky and perhaps I should have refrigerate it a little more. It was nearly impossible to roll it out thin without having it sticking it to the board, I had to forcibly pull it onto the cake and then use water to fix the holes.

6. Decorate and make it more "lifelike". Make deeper colored nipple candles out of coloring darker. Push your thumb in lightly to make the belly button. Two dragees for a belly piercing, chocolate icing for a thong and a tattoo of the birthday boy's name. Shimmies all around the sides to hide the imperfections.

It looks pretty good in the pictures but I didn't have a big enough box for it so when it got to the site, parts of the breast got stuck to the foil. Also when the birthday boy blew out the tits, someone decided to push his head in, at the end, the cake or what's left of it tasted pretty good. If I had the resources, I need to take a cake decoration class and a bigger kitchen with a new oven that doesn't tilt.

But you got to see the humor of having a gay guy making a boob cake, no? So who wants to go into the erotic cakes business with me? haha.