Harbor No Ill Will

Mr. Big: "You see the thing is: she can get ahold of me but I can't get ahold of her."

Aidan: "That's fucked up."


That's exactly the way between me and Medic Guy.

Ever since we started dating I have managed to get him on the phone once. Other than that we communicate mostly through texting and he calls me about once or twice a day and the conversation is mostly short. We spend more time apart than together, there is the busy and important medic job, there is the grandma with Alzheimer's that need to be taken care of which the irresponsible sister can't manage, there is the grandmother's hospital visits, there is the pregnant cousin, the dog that chews up pillows when he's away, his own doctor's visits and evaluations, the antibiotics that makes him tired, the job that makes him tired, the job interviews and I wonder how I could compete with all that.

I guess I have been practicing the "lesbian" kinda love for too long and I have no recognition what normal courting looks like. As unhealthy as it sounds, I'm after the smothering, spending-every-waking-moment-together kinda love and I don't think Medic Guy can provide that. (Or maybe no normal people can) Actually my exes are all quite independent from their own families and manage to move in with me rather quick.

After getting back together with him after being apart for a week, I made an effort and got him a drawer and some clothes for changing so he can spend more time with me instead of going home because he doesn't have clothes to change, but I guess that only solves part of the problem. I tried to be less skeptical and believe that he is really not feeling well with that serious ear infection, but he just went to some job interviews and got a brand new job at a hospital the opposite way of where I live. I am increasingly doubtful on how this would work. Sadly, I have consciously stop saying the 'I love you's.

Of course I have my doubts on this since the beginning, but when it is my own problem it is hard to see it objectively. And I want to make sure it is not me, that I'm not sabotaging myself. I still want to wait a few more weeks, especially when we planned on a mini vacation at the end of this month. Maybe things would change for the better. The new job he got would give him a shorter, much stabler schedule, but then still wants to work part-time as a flight medic at his current location and his family and dog would still be there. I don't think I can win either way but maybe I'm driving myself crazy by thinking too much, maybe normal couple don't see each other every single day or even every other day, maybe I'll win the lottery tonight and none of us have to work anymore.