The Pursuit of Happiness

>> Friday, February 23, 2007

My uncle just got a divorce, me and my aunt was talking on the phone about that and she says "Poor guy, how unfortunate...", in which I replied "He's always criticizing everything that everybody is doing, it must have been tough to be his wife." Then she told me that he originally he planned to move back in with my grandma, much to her dismay, but later he caught her talking about him behind his back, so he bought a small place and moved out. My aunt told me that even his son is not talking to him anymore, that my uncle is isolating himself from everybody. I remember when I was young he was quite violent when he doesn't get his way, maybe that's why he's getting a divorce and maybe that's why his own son doesn't talk to him anymore. I remember talking to him a few years ago to quit getting into and criticizing other people's businesses and that would eventually drive people away. I told my aunt "He could have changed his ways." Then my aunt says something I find profound "性格命生成 (Your personality grows to be like that)"

I always have a different understanding about personalities, I thought I am who I am from day one and I'll always be and remains the same. But what my aunt was implying is that through time and the change of environment, your personality will change. I told myself when I was growing up that I will never be like my uncle or my grandmas, my dad or my mom even. But I'm afraid to admit that I find traits in myself that really resembles my uncle. It's a cliche, everybody grows up finding themselves to be like their parents. Maybe because once upon a time they were our role models, idols even. So subconsiously we are all imitating a life that has someone else has lived before. That's the only example we had on how to deal with a particular situation.

I'm in a rut, I need to get out of it and hopefully my personality can grow in a happier, healthier direction. I remember it used to be like that, now it is not. After my company scammed me out of the few thousands dollar that they promised me, I became very disgruntled. Not that I'm picking fights or stealing stuff, but I'm quite cold and distant these days and I can start to see that it affects other people around me. I just can't let it go. I'm coming in late and leaving early when I wish. They let another employee left for half a year and still paying her salary, I doubt that they would say anything about me not being there on time. But I'm not in a happy environment right now. Honestly, if I should stop blaming others and whine all the time as well, nobody likes a whiner. If I'm that unhappy, I should just forget my green card application and leave. I should realize that my life is in my hand, I can change it when I want to, but currently it provides me with some security that I don't have the courage to let go.

I always thought I didn't care about what others think of me, who needs them? But I'm afraid to turn into my uncle, I'm afraid to spend the rest of my life isolating myself from other people, to live and die alone.

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