>> Tuesday, September 25, 2007
There seems to be an extraordinary amount of cream...
Prudence, Caution, Deliberation.
The Hermit points to all things hidden, such as knowledge and inspiration,hidden enemies. The illumination is from within, and retirement from participation in current events.
The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. You do not desire to socialize; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. You prefer to take the time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent but these feelings eventually lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.
The Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing.
There seems to be an extraordinary amount of cream...
Found this clip online obviously produced by the Pretty Pink Ponies guild. It's completely hilarious!
I'm always up for new quizzes and found this one on Jessica's blog. I have to admit that I'm an avid reader, although there's not much to read. (^o^)
|You scored as Cultural Creative, Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.|
What is Your World View?
created with QuizFarm.com
"The winds of March that made my heart a dancer
A telephone that rings But who's to answer
Oh, how the ghost of you clings
These foolish things
Remind me of you -- Ella Fitzgerald, These Foolish Things"
I'm actively getting myself addicted to World of Warcraft, playing 6-12 hours a day to drown out my thoughts about being single again. I'm happy to report that it works quite well. But at the time that I'm not playing or thinking about the game, the sadness creeps up on me.
I can't believe that Principe has only left for two weeks, it feels like it had been months since I've seen his face. At least I'm not expecting him to walk through the door anymore. I guess I was wrong to expect anything more subconsciously. I knew the facts, I knew how it would end up, I just can't help myself. Party boy JH got back with his ex and bought a scooter, AL met a guy and broke up with his "husband" of 16 years. Who knows what a relationship is? "Nothing is forever, and I'm beginning to learn that it might not matter." I guess I got into a relationship with Principe thinking that in the back of my mind. As long as I have fell in love completely, it doesn't matter if it is just temporary. But I guess at the end I got greedy and now my heart aches.
As of today, I'm a lvl 22 Dwarf Hunter at Proudmoore with the Stonewall Champions, one of the few GLBT friendly guild on World of Warcraft. If anyone see me out there please say hi!
Went to bentblog and seen this clip. It is so good and so true, no matter how much you have to offer nobody cares. Americans are a bunch of six years old that giggles when you say the word "Sex". Sad, really.
I can't believe it but my ex is still sending me horrible text messages, calling my phone and not say a word and ringing my doorbell at two o'clock in the morning.
About ten days ago he sent me a text message saying he needed to talk to me and as usual I ignored it. We were together for only three years and we broke up six-seven years ago, I don't understand why he still have a hang up. After a few days, he texted me again and say that his health ids deteriorating and there's something really important that he needed to tell me. Well, I talked to DC and we decided I won't be able to help whatever is happening to him and I'm afraid that he will come back and stalk me again so I ignored him again.
Well yesterday he text me and cursed me out. He said to me that he is now HIV Positive. It is a shock, since he is such an unlikely candidate. He's getting so much older now and in no way is he attractive and he doesn't seem to be the type that uses drug or sharing a needle. he must have contracted it from sex, but who would do him and why would he go unprotected? My guess is that he has a tendency of getting drunk and after he's drunk he will lose his judgement. Well, most of the harassment I get from him is when he is drunk anyway.
Now, I'm afraid that he will try to stab me with an infected needle. He is angry all the time. I can't say that he deserved it, I don't think anybody does. I don't understand why he feels the need to tell me though, what does he want me to do?
The past is always following me around, can't shake it.
A friend just told me about a program available for first-time home buyers. If your annual household income is less than $69,000 than you'll be qualify for a home loan program where you only need to pay 3% down and they even will give you $2,000 towards the closing costs. Wow, if I have known I might have bought a house. But since my job situation is not really secure, I might choose not to do so right now.
I have been thinking about saving up some money for rainy days or should I decide to yet immigrate to another country. I wonder if I should go onto the stock market and invest my existing savings. My uncles and my granma does that, my ex urged me to do so, but I don't feel secure enough because I don't really know what it is all about. I wonder if there's a class out there that teaches you everything you need to know about the stock market or investment in general in an informative and unbiased way.
I guess as I'm growing older, I really have to think hard about my future.
In the midst of despair, it's always nice to know that I'm not the only one in misery.
Holy cow, did anyone else saw Britney Spears opening for MTV's VMA? I was never too much of a Britney Spears' fan. It embarasses me to admit it, but I did like a few of her songs. They are catchy enough to stay in my head for a while and sooner or later I get to like them but last night's performance is something else.
Oh my god, the song is simply horrendous. She's flabby and her performance was quite sleazy and horrible. It's really too bad, she used to be so proud and call herself an entertainer. She used to give out great performances. All the sudden, the star turned into a mom who gave birth to two children. There's nothing wrong with getting married and giving birth, it's just in the process of doing so she shattered the fantasy that is Britney Spears.
There were three Britney songs that got leaked out to the net and I heard them all from Jonny McGovern's podcast and they all seemed quite mediocre. My favorite one is a ballad seems to have meant for Christina Aguilera, but the only thing is Britney hasn't got the voice for it and all the rifts seems to be so wrong.
I guess a lot of stars are too young, too immature and they haven't really figured out life yet or they just want to do it all when they are still young. But once you achieve stardom, what else is left? And after putting all the hard work in to achieve your ultimate peak in life, wouldn't you want to act out to reward yourself? And what happens after you flopped? After your career is ruined and you have been deemed to be a one trick pony, a has-been? What's left in your life? Can you compare your monumental success with all the little simple pleasures that's left?
Would I be able to stop comparing my future love(s) to Principe?
Principe has been calling me every other day, like he did his family when he was with me. I honestly thought he would be out of my life forever, somehow the concept of keeping in touch with him after he left never occured to me. I don't know if I'd rather be constantly reminded that I can't be with him anymore or rot alone. I can find solice in the fact that he's happy, but yet I miss him so much.
ES called and told me that her husband found a new job in Washington DC. So she's gonna be moving there very soon. Why not? I already don't have much friends, might as well take another one from me. I should have been more social and get to know more people, because you never know when you will need them.
DC sent me some job listings from his company and I don't think I qualify for any of them. It's a bit discouraging. But with ES gone, there's really not much for me at my current job. I need to start looking for another one. I don't mind starting at entry level all over again. I don't think it's too late yet. Maybe I should go back to school, too bad I don't have enough money for it.
I wish life is easier.
I guess what they say is right, "When you hit the bottom, there's nowhere to go but up." I might be in an emotional roller coaster but I am starting to feel better after communicating my feelings with DC, and ranting on this blog. After all there are honestly no way to get him back so what's the point, really?
I really feel like I could use a job change. I hate my job right now and maybe I could find something better now that I've got my green card. DC offered to send me some listing from his company. Getting me to Focus on my future helped. Being out of the house helped. Getting some sun helped. Drowning myself with TV shows and video games helped. Being in bed early and waking up earlier helped.
I thought my appetite will subside and maybe I will lose some weight in the process, but I still feel hungry around meal time. I don't feel like cooking anymore though, I'm by myself, cereal will do. They say some birds will die after their spouse, some old couple will wither away after one of them passes on. I doubt that I will have that luck. Losing weight would be a nice consolation prize.
I need to get a new job and save some money. Maybe immigrate to Australia and get a brand new start. Should I wait until I get my citizenship before leaving or does that even matter? If I could work hard for the next five years, my life could get a chance to jump start.
Or maybe it will just be as miserable anywhere else, I just need to change myself, my point of view in life. Maybe I am a failure and I should recognize it right now. Maybe whatever I do will not make a difference. Maybe I should just settle for the little pleasures in life, not that I thought I would make my mark in history but I really wanted to do something meaningful with my life, something that I am passionate about, but it doesn't seem like I'm heading that way. I wish I have the resource to do what I wanted.
I guess I haven't really been alone for a long while, I'm really scared. I'm still hoping that he's gonna walk through the door at the end of the day with that smile on his face. I'm going insane here screaming inside.
He called me from a phone in the Buenos Aires airport today. I didn't know what to say, what's important enough to tell him on the phone that he didn't know already. Thank god, DC came down to spend half a day with me. I needed to get out of the house so bad. I can't stand to be alone anymore.
How much longer until the pain ends? The seven stages of grief has left me in depression, when's my acceptance and hope gonna set in? I knew he was gonna leave for a while, then why do I still feel so miserable?
How does one live alone? If only I can focus all my energy to think about the future and not the past.
"Family, there's nothing more important, they are the ones who's
who show up when we're in trouble, the ones who push us to succeed, the ones who help keep our secrets, but what of those who have no family to rely on? What happens to those poor souls who have no loved ones to help them in their hours of need? Well, most learned to walk life's rope by themselves, but a sad few of us simply stop trying..."
I wish I could learn how to walk life's rope by myself, I have serious doubts on what the purpose of my life is. I wish I wouldn't dwindle in self-pity right now.
"I had a dream. I dreamt that I had a boyfriend for 6 years. He was a decent, caring, funny, great, great man with all his perfect little flaws, everything I wanted in a man. I dreamt that we lived happily day after day in my little studio apartment, helping each other along, taking care of each other. I finally woke up today, and although I know that no two dreams can be the same, I wish that I could dream that dream again."
Principe is finally gone. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces. How can I honestly expect myself to face life without him? To be alone again, in my bed, reaching out for nothing, without his warmth near me? I'm terrified.
I wish life wouldn't be like that. I wish forever would just go by in a flash, instead these last months have been so dreadful, these last few days have been so dreadful. No amount of tears could have kept him here, that was not my goal. I wanted him to go and take care of his family, I didn't want the same thing that happened to me, happens to his kids. I don't want to be the other "woman" that ruined his family, but it just hurts so damn much.
What meaning does life has now? Without him, who am I? He said he will love me forever and I feel that I would do the same, but what is love if I can't be close to him and be with him for the rest of my life? If time heals all things, what amount of time could heal a wound this deep? I wish life is short.