Unhappy Endings

>> Thursday, September 07, 2006

I have difficulty ending things. I bought a set of 54 Detective Conan Comic Books back in March and now that I'm at number 54, I don't want to finish it. It has been the same way for me with some of my favorite TV games. I think I might be afraid of that empty feeling in my stomach once I finish them. I have had so much fun with the comic books, I want that great feeling to linger; Once I finish them there will be an emptiness in me that cannot be replaced by anything else. The purpose of the object is fulfilled, mystery solved, it will become a dead issue.

I think that kind of feeling I have extend beyond comic books, I feel the same about relationships. When one relationship starts, I get really passionate about it. Rushing to the heart of the other person like I'm in a race, ignoring all the danger signs and desperately convincing myself and the other person that we're in love. Most of the time I succeed in creating an environment like that for a long period of Until one day I wake up and see all the annoying habits of the other person, seeing that we are actually not that compatible and finding myself thinking "I can do better" or "There are better fishes out there" and completely lose interest in that person or the mirage that I (not we) have built for years. After an extended period of time which I manage to really break off with that person, I'll look for the nearest person to rebound with and create another relationship that lasts too long for my own sake.

But I never knew how to break up with a person, a person that I've said Thousands of "I love yous" to. How do you say goodbye to a person that you have lead on for years? I said "I love you" not because I really meant it, it was because I wanted to hear somebody else said that to me. It was purely selfish behavior, and if I say it enough, I know that person is bound to say it back to me. The whole mechanism is like lying to myself and when that lie get tiresome, I will lose interest and move on to a new person so the lie would seem fresh and new and exciting.

The last relationship I broke off lasted 5 years. The person became a stalker and an alcoholic. I get calls late every night around 12am to 1am, after I pick the phone up it hung up right away. My apartment got broke in several times before I changed my locks. I got assualted when we met in a bar. They say after a broken relationship, it will take half of the time to heal. It has been three/four years after we broke up, and I still get e-mails and text messages from that person from time to time asking me whether I'm ready to get back together. I never reply them, just because I know it will never be the same between us. Honestly I think I deserve to be harassed.

I'm in a great relationship now for the past three/four years. I do feel loved. I have no intention of ending it, although given my current situation, it might be unavoidable. i might not have a job soon and if I have to move out of the area, we might not be able to stay together anymore. Even worse, I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up and all the sudden lost interest in this person. I don't think it'll happen but I'm afraid it might. Then, I'll scatter around looking for the nearest interesting person to fall in love with and start the whole routine again.

Trust me when I tell you: "It's not you, it's me!"

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