Morning Sickness

>> Monday, November 06, 2006

DC called me on Saturday and told me that he's going to reject the offer from the other Pharmaceutical company in Delaware, so he doesn't have to move. "To save the marriage", as he put it. I don't know if it is as simple, him wanting to take a job with better offer somewhere else is a career move, it is a symptom but I don't think it's the root of the problem.

El Principe's new job allow him to have 2 days off. So we spent yesterday together and today I left him at home. Laying in bed together this morning, hearing him say "I love you forever." I can't help but wonder the sincerity of that expression. We both know that he'll eventually go back to his country. How does the word "Forever" comes to play? As the group Outkast has so adequately put it -"Forever-ever?"

From the start, I knew the fact that he'll eventually leave. I just want to be stupid for once and blind myself with love. You know, it' ok to get hurt. It's better to get hurt than never have loved. So I guess I was hoping to crash and burn, very self-destructive of me. So "Yes", I feel the great love between us but I also hear the heavy sadness in the background thumping louder and louder.

What is our relationship based on? He doesn't even speak any English when we first met. He works long hours each day and when he does we see each other 1 hour per day at most? Figure he leave the house before I wake up and comes back an hour or an hour and a half before I go to bed. Maybe it is this lack of communication taht makes us work. There's nothing to fight about. God knows I need my space. If he had been there with me every hour of the day, I would have gotten tired of him and break up within two weeks. I needed the attention and I need to feel needed as well. There's why I need him to be around, there's why I needed a boyfriend and you turn around another 5 years has passed.

Maybe all relationships are the same. Too much time has passed and we all got too comfortable to start again. That's why all my friends married with their first. I'm not denying that there is love in the relation, I just sense the fear to start again in everyone when the time comes, including my own.

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