Spending More Time Separate From Each Other (聚少離多)

I've been quite sensitive these days about relationships in general. Principe told me an actual time that he thinks he may leave - August. It's only six months away. I told myself not to think about it, whatever happen happens. But sometimes I can't help but feel sad about it.

In these days and age, it's hard for anything to last long and maybe it's because I knew from the beginning that it won't last forever that makes it so good. I cherish the little bit of time that we have together, with him working long hours everyday and knowing that one sday he will go back to Argentina and most likely never coming back.

Last night during dinner with my colleague ES and my former colleague MP, we got into a discussion about relationships. ES being the modern independent family woman, she gets to saying how she needs personal space from her husband and the whole reason why her marriage works is because her husband provide her with space. She says if her husband was the touchy feely time that spend every moment by her side, they would have broken up a long time ago. But she don't have the same attitudde towards her son, she actually enjoys her son's company a lot more than her husband. I think I'm actually the type that like to spend most of my time with the person I love, but I don't think I'm that good with build a relation to start with.

Lately I sense some tension between me and ES. I think it's because our personality is really different from each other. She is the "typical" Japanese: upbeat, extroverted, cheerful, sociable. Me being the shy, pessimistic, cynical, romantic. I guess my latest attitude at work has been bringing her down. I think I might have lost my ability to make friends, maybe I never had them. But after the period that we get to know each other and find out all the things that we have in common and get really excited of each other's company, it'll eventually get old and grow stale. And after that we start noticing and obsess over our differences, desperate to find our own identity.

The four Chinese characters in the title describe how us as individuals spend more time apart from each other than we do together. I think it's true, most of us thinks ourselves are unique and different but failed to see that those differences are so minimal until we step out of our own point of view. It's not until I come to the United States that I become a minority and hear that we Asians look all the same. "Well, I thought you see that northern Chinese, Japanese and Koreans usually have a bonier cheek and has paler skins, and people from Vietnam, Laos, Thailand and Malaysia tends to have darker skins." In our fight for individualism and our struggle to define our own identity, we lost the bond that we have between people. "You don't know what you've got til' it's gone." Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life alone?

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Bully

I don't know if this has happened to you, but sometimes a single word or expression start suddenly appear in front of you a few times in a row. You could have forgot about it or haven't heard it for a while, but suddenly it just appears out of nowhere few times in a week. This time for me is the word "Bully", it's common enough, I've just haven't heard it for a while.

"Bully" is the title of one of the best PS2 game of the year that I planned to buy this week. "Bully" is the title of the new chapter of the online comic book of the TV show Heroes. "Bully" is something my colleague wrote in her notebook during our staff meeting. I wonder who she was referring to, is it me? My boss? Well, I would bet that it was my boss just because in the meeting he said that we are all very lucky to still have a job and if anyone who doesn't feel that way should go. And then he told us about a fundraiser he's putting together tonight and everybody should provide refreshments out of our own pocket. Can he spell S-H-A-M-E? It's quite short a notice and since I've already have plans for a 7 course dinner, I'm not gonna show up after work for an event that fundraise next to nothing with me working and paying out of my own pocket for it... I don't want to call him stupid but it's highly illogical. And if we do fundraise a small sum, he's probably gonna use it on his travels and meals anyway. So f#(k that!

So I had an attitude when I was in the meeting, given his tone... I don't consider myself lucky when I am forced to be with people I don't like, who scams me out of nearly $10,000 and wants me to pay for things like stationery and event supplies out of my own pocket. Maybe I shouldn't be here, but they are blackmailing me with my green card application. But with the attitude I'm putting out, am I actually the "Bully"?

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Some of Us Can't Afford to Walk on Glass

So Cinderella III came out, I didn't even know there was a Cinderella II. Since Principe loves cartoon and fairy tales-shit, I bought him a copy. I don't understand who the hell gives Disney the rights to alter a classic story, over and over again just so that they can make a profit year after year. Isn't that exploitation? To alter a simple story that every person used to know into something completely unrecognizable. It's simply kidnapping the childhood of the entire new generation. I'm sure someone is going to go to hell for it.

But then again there is no use for fairy tales in the real world. It's morally wrong to build up the hopes of every young girls that there is a prince charming for every snow white. What if you're not white? Does it mean you're a lost cause? So Cinderella's father died and she get enslave by her stepmother and stepsisters, there are so many people out there that shares the same fate. Worst, they don't have a fairy god mother, most of them won't ever get to dance at a party or wear a luxurious gown in their life. Having a story like Cinderella to build up people's hopes and dreams is just wrong. We go through life looking for a prince and get disappointed when we don't find one. The mates we find are always more inferior by comparison. They are always not young enough, not fit enough, not strong enough, not rich enough.

All these fairy tales teach us is to have moral values, and wait... One day, that endurance, that persistance will be rewarded 10 folds by some magical beings. So we wait and wait. "NO, that gold and that silver axe is not ours, we have the cheap one." YES, stepmother, use and abuse me." Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree? Maybe the ultimate reward for being honest and nice is to go to heaven when we die, but what if there's no heaven. Won't we be ultimately duped of our right to fight for what we want? Slap that bitch I say!

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Why Can't I Be Rich?

During the weekend, I finally saw some episodes of the series "Real Housewives of Orange County" on Bravo. I was folding my laundry, so I have to give up playing video games and watch TV. It's about the latest, hottest topic on tv networks - housewives in gated community. We saw that on Desperate Housewives, we saw that on Weeds, so why not make it a reality show, right?

So I watched the drama unfolds between different characters. One of them is a good-looking social climber who is engaged with a young, handsome and rich business starter. (Obviously, she's not really in love with him, she only wants his money.) An overbearing mother that is about to drive her kids insane or into drugs and alcohol with her "interrogating" parenting skills. (Why does her insecurity with herself have to affect people around her?) A former playboy centerfold got old and fatter but she became a very, very successful real estate agent. She just sold a $15 Million mansion formerly owned by Prince and she gets $450,000 commision. She has tons of properties, she has already bought each of her kids a $1.5 million house that comes with swimming pools and memberships to golf courses. (Why can't she adopt me?)

That makes me wonder how a person can be that successful? And why can't I be that successful? Orange county and the gated community has always been depicted as a place where the social elite lives in. But what exactly makes them better than everybody else? How do they acquire that much wealth? obviously, it's a lot easier if you come from money. You need money in order to make money, if you don't have any to start with, you are pretty much going to be bond to poverty, unless you are very smart, or you go by the way of crime. This TV show just shows you how unfair reality is. In the meantime, since I'm not smart enough and I don't have the guts to rob a bank, I'll just stick to my lottery ticket and hope for luck. (Or maybe I can marry a rich guy like Anna Nicole)

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Killing Time

I've been really obsessed lately with an RPG game called Disgaea2. RPG or Role-Playing Games have always been my favorite. A group of different people with different personality and skills comes together with a great sense of comradery and belonging sharing a common goal to destroy evil. What is great about it too is that through battling monsters, everybody gain experience and skills. Basically, you see these people grow up and become stronger each in their own way. Through the years, these games mostly originated in Japan has developed a culture. Most of these games include standard "jobs" such as a knight, a mage, an archer, a ninja, a healer, a thief, a heavy armored knight, a samurai. Some game let you use monsters, some let you summons some god to help out and some have people who uses guns, the games are evolving to be more inclusive and advance in graphics and music. They include mini-games and hidden treasures, constantly adding fun values to wow their audience into believing that it was $50-60 well spent. RPG are the best, it allows the player to use magic... MAGIC! It allows you to have so much imagination, who would like to light their enemy up on fire just by reciting some spells? So far the better ones I've played it's from the Final Fantasy series, the Suikoden series, the Arc the Lad series, the Persona/Shin Megami Tensei series and the Dragon Quest series. No wonder people from Japan take sick days to stay at home and play RPG after a major release. It is exactly what I wanted to do after purchasing this copy of Disgaea2.

I got myself subscribed to GameInformer magazine and they sent me the best of 2006 copy. After i skimmed throught the whole magazine and tuned out the information that is not relevant to PS2, I came out with a list of video games that I wanted to get - Bully, Disgaea2, Ape Monkey 3, Lumines Plus, Marvel: Ultimate Alliance and Shadow Hearts. Since each of them costs $50 to $60 regularly, I was trying to get the used ones. I stumbled into gamefly and found out that they sell used video games as well. So far I managed to get 3 of them for a combines total $90, not bad.

So I started Disgaea2, it has a great story line, and excellent character building schemes. It's so complicated that I have to depends on other online gamers' help on gamefaqs.com, it's a great site. People on it are very willing to share their expertise and help you with your problems. I go there for all my game help. In fact after I know the game well enough, I even help out others. The only problem is to complete one task in the game takes two hours, and there are so much of them that I know this game will take me well above 100 hours. I wonder what other people spend their time without video games.

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Love of Orange Soda

I don't know why but I've always love orange soda. It's true. It is one of the beverage that I've always been fond of, once I believe that it was natural and good for me. The carbonated version of orange juice. Later in life, I've learned that it is not the same, I've learned that orange soda actually contains the most amount of sugar amongst soda, loaded with caffeine and I've also learned that all sodas are bad for you.

But the fact of the matter is I liked them a lot. I grew up on Orangina. It is an acquired taste given that they put pulp and zest into the soda and the zest does stimulate your throat. But I can't get enough of that stuff. Later on in life, I had Fanta, Sunkist and San Pellegrino's Aranciata, but I still goes back to Orangina. Once in a while... when I feel like I needed a boost, when I don't mind the extra sugar and calories.

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Funny Quote of the Day

"I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out that he didn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness. "

I saw this on one of my acquaintances' blog, thought it was really funny.

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Music Review: Best Album of 2006

Year 2006 in music was a whole lot of shattered expectations. I expected Pharrell Williams' "in My Mind" to be a major success. The guy has got talent, but his album did not turn up to show. i don't understand why he can produce great, great songs for others, but cannot deliver when it comes to his own album. He co-produced Gwen Stefani's second solo album "The Sweet Escape", but somehow it lacks its former "L.A.M.B." luster. "Love, Angel, Music, Baby" was fun and exciting, all the elements were playful, "The Sweet Escape" seems to be too personal and emotional... "Whiny" at times.

Black Eye Peas' Fergie came out with all her trashy glory with "The Dutchess". While I'm complete obsessed with the bangin' "Fergalicious" and "London Bridge", the album does not quite flow in its entirety. Beyonce's B'Day did not sell as good as expected either, midway during the year, it got pull off the shelves to be redone. To the left, to the left..., irreplaceable got replaced.

Producer to producer, Timbaland is striking gold with every record he touches. Other than the upcoming "suddenly hot and curiously promiscuous" Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake comes out with a brilliant "FutureSex/LoveSounds" featuring the strong man producer in almost every song. "What Goes Around.../...Comes Around" got a bollywood hook to it and the story about a girl leaving him for another guy reminds me of his Britney Spears history. The beat changes between "LoveStoned" and "I Think She Knows" is so brilliantly done that I stayed hooked and amazed. "(Another) All Over Again" is such a beautiful, calming ballad that brilliantly showcase this former boyband-er's charm. Brought this album to a perfectly sweet ending. I admit the beat and the falsetto can be tiresome at times, but the hidden gems of twist and turns playfully planted throughout the record made this album one of the best in year 2006.

But THE best album of the year has to be from the newly crowned R&B prince, John Legend. His first album "Get Lifted" brought back the classic sounds of R&B, at times Hip-Hop, at times Gospel. His voice is infectious and you can feel the soul. "Once Again" his appropriately named second album managed to surpass the glory of his first album. I'm usually note a big fan of male singers. I prefer female singers because the range of emotions that they can express is so much greater. But John Longend had definitely struck a note. "Once Again" is an open love letter to a girl named Maxine, her name had appear several times in the album. John is pleaing for her to come back to him and tellin her how another girl he saw in a party remind him of her. It lets me know that even if John sings about a bathroom, it'll melt every heart who have the pleasure to hear him sings. From start to finish, every song in the album is a classic. The whole experience is heart-wrenching, I hope Maxine would be as touched as we are and goes back to him. Or maybe I don't, so that he can produce another album as brilliant and haunting as this one.

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Waking Up at the Wrong Side of the Bed

Principe is a Yin person, he's always cold, has a history of low blood pressure. Although you would never know if you just look at him. He's been gaining weight though, and he blames it on me and my cooking. His stomach IS getting bigger, which leads to a lower back problem because he has to adjust his body to the change of gravity. His work does not require him to do anything too physical, and with the long hours he has to be at work it doesn't allow him to go exercising, so that doesn't help either.

I'm a Yang person, I'm always hot, prone to nose bleed. We only have one window over at Principe's side of the bed. And I'd like to have it open even in this bitter cold weather just because there's a heater underneath it and when it decides to work, it makes the whole apartment hot as an oven. It dries both of us up so bad that usually wakes me up at night. If I don't happen to wake up at night, I'll feel like being half mummified. It is such an uncomfortable feeling, it's awful.

So last night, Principe and I decided to switch sides. That allows me to be nearer to the window, while he can stay warmer on the other side. It didn't work. After 5 years of sleeping together side by side, we are too used to our original positions. I stayed up most of the night and I don't think he got much sleep either. I was a bit surprised though, given I used to sleep on his side of the bed when I'm with my ex. I guess the older one gets, the harder it is to accept change. "You can't teach an old dog a new trick."

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Who's the Noisy Neighbor?

Over the weekend, Principe and I received a letter from our neighbor saying that our TV volume is too loud. She wrote us a letter because she claims that she had been knocking on our door but nobody ever answers. Everytime she knocks on our door, the volume would go down for a while, but then it will goes up to the original volume. I can't help but laugh. Since Principe does not speak English, he never opens the door when people come knocking. He usually just mute the TV and see if there will be further action, if nobody is hollering and yelling outside he wouldn't be answering the door at all.

The letter goes on about how I'm making people in the 4 apartments around me very uncomfortable. Our building is old and the walls are paper thin, and most people goes to bed before midnight and not everybody wakes up at 8 o'clock in the morning and if we don't quiet down, she'll have to call the building management. I know that it's a "she", because she signed her name "Jennifer" on the bottom without telling us which apartment she's from... coward.

Well, while I do agree with most of her points, I refuse to live my life based on other people feelings. Don't get me wrong, I don't turn on my TV all the way up just to retaliate or intentionally make my neighbors uncomfortable, but I will not make myself uncomfortbale to fit other people's lifestyle. As my former colleague had says about me: "He's generally very accomodating, but god help the ones that f#(k with his TV!"

I'm not the loud one in my neighborhood, not by far. The one who lives upstairs from me usually likes to bounce his basketball, watch movies and play video games until 4 am. He used to throw parties all the time until early morning and I tolerated it. We all paid cheap rents to live in this old building, the walls are thin and water damaged, there are tons of roaches, flies and mice, the elevator and mailboxes are usually broken. My bathroom door is broken for months, the faucets leak. The heat is usually too high. So yes, the building is in bad condition and badly managed. But the rent is cheap.

My apartment is basically a 10 step by 10 step box, that's why I need my TV to be on at all times so my mind can be somewhere else instead of feeling claustrophobic. So I turn up my TV volume to "8 out of 25" and I get a complaint letter. Hey, you get what you paid for. If we all get rich, we might be able to live in buildings with thicker walls, but until then we all would have to compromise. "You live in the city, deal with it". And by the way, good luck on calling the building management, and when you get them, tell them to fix my bathroom door.

Well, I said that but lately it has been bugging me, and I tried not to turn the volume over "5 of 25"... Freaking annoying.

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Follow-Ups on My Hobbies

I started my painting of Principe. It's a bit harder than I thought, I try to use pencils to outline the photo on the canvas, but my eraser doesn't seem to work on the canvas so I can't erase my mistakes. To make it worse, Principe is over my shoulder saying how big his face looks and how angry I make him look, how big his eyebrows are, and he doesn't like his eyes... I should have never let him see it. It's not even done yet, It's just an outline. After outlining it, I still have to add color and shade to create depth. But after being criticized, I don't feel like doing it anymore.

Bought two used games on gamefly, the equivalent of netflix for video games. By comparison, they are a lot cheaper than store bought. It's about half price, but they are used. Hopefully they work out okay. Video games on average cost $50 each, it's too expensive a habit. Although I can entertain myself with them for a long time. I enter a stage of full concentration, I don't need to eat or drink, I just sit in fornt of the TV for a whole day. Of course, it's not productive at all, but I wonder if I can lose weight just by playing video games.

My unfinished blanket is sitting on the corner staring me at my face and my scrap cookbook is still in a box collecting dust. I have to finish them sometimes.

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Animal Kingdom

ES just sent me some very interesting body painting sites, I thought I should share them. The first one is an art site, that paint their hands into different animals and the second one is a racier condom commercials that paints their privates into other animals, if you are easily offended by nudity, you shouldn't go.

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My Ex-Day

During this past weekend, I went out with my former colleague JH and his friends for dinner. Mainly to catch up. Ever since he was forced to leave our organization, I have been missing him and our walks to work together every morning. He's good company and he has a great, cheerful personality that is contagious; There's a naivete of him, a happy-go-lucky attitude that is just so charming. Other people says he's good-looking and because of that he gets treated very differently, somehow his good looks must have eluded me, but he is still good company.

I guess I get nervous when around strangers, I get very tense and close myself down around his friends. Although they can hardly be considered strangers, I used to go to their house and teach them how to play mahjong a few times and they helped my workplace decorate for several function that we held. A and M, they are a couple and have been together for 12 years. I think I just never get quite comfortable with them, I don't find that we have a lot in common, but they are nice guys. So I bought them dinner at Fogo de Chao, just to show that I didn't mean to be rude and unsocial. A says "Guess I'll have to have sex with you now!".

So afterwards we went to a bar to have a few drinks. I haven't gone out to drink for so long. I guess I don't think that bars are exactly my "scene". I don't like drinking and smoking, I don't know how to dance and I feel awkward flirting with strangers and cruising. I wonder how I ever found myself a boyfriend. Not being out for a while lowered my tolerant to alcohol. I used to be able to handle 4 cocktails and now I get dizzy after 1. JH called me a cheap date and he says he'll have to train me how to hold my liquor. It's not like I want to drink much anyway. After my second drink, I was so drunk that I was googling at A's chest hair and thought about taking him upon his earlier offer, but I already have a boyfriend and he does as well. He says "M don't want to have sex with me anymore, he says it's like having lobster everyday, you'll eventaully get tired of it." Funny.

My ex-boyfriend also spotted me and start coming around and showing his face. Really annoying. We went out for three and a half year and we broke up and he has been harassing me for the past five years. What a loser... I hope he finds someone else to harass. he left me a 5-minute voice mail that I can't hear a word because I was at the bar, and then he left me a text message saying "I hope you find the security that you were looking for". Whenever I'm with someone at the bar he's always immediately associate that I found a new boyfriend. Like I need somebody rich to take care of me, just because I'm Asian. He's such a racist. Unlike his broke ass, I can take care of myself. And then it's non-stop phone calls all night. I should save his voice messsages and text messages and send them to his boss just to ruin his pathetic career. but since there's decency left in me, I won't.

What gives him the right to harass me anyway? Just because he was drunk, he spotted me in a bar and we broke up a long, long time ago doesn't give him the right to ruin my night. Well, misery loves company, all his actions just reconfirm me that I was right to dump him. He is so miserable. One time he texted me and said "I hope you realized what you wouldn't be without me." Happy? He was so miserable day and night, I try my best to cheer him up but fails, he probably suffers from depression, the only thing is that I don't want to suffer with him. I have never responded to his text messages or voice mail, so I don't encourage him but I love my phone number that's why I never changed, but one of these days...

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Bathroom Conversations

Since my office moved to another floor, we have to share the same bathrooms with another organization. This organization is a GLBT "youth-shelter" where kids, mostly still sexually confused teenagers, comes over after school to hang around. These kids are mostly from broken families and the organization is a great place for them to be to prevent them from being destructive. While this is excellent for the kids, it doesn't work well with people around them.

Kids can be so obnoxious. Before we were on the same floor, I just recognize them as a rowdy crowd that I've been forced to be with in the hallway or the elevators. they might listen to loud music, yelling and shouting at each other or even horsing around. But now it's a different story.

One time, I was waiting for the elevator in the lobby of our building and this little cross-dressing twinky wearing headphones playing loud disco music decided to come over and offer me a lapdance. I mean come on! I'm already the easily embarass type and just because I'm gay doesn't mean I like these girly men. So I yell security and he backed off, they worst thing is that the securities are sitting 5 feet away, but they never thought to get off their butts.

Yesterday when I went in the bathroom, I heard a conversation from two kids in the stalls. First, I thought they were having sex because according to the rumors that had happened before and all I heard at first were giggles. But afterwards one of the boys spoke up and I quote "You're having problem shitting because you eat too much of that string cheese shit! I don't have problem shitting over here!" I must be out of the kid's loop for a while, it was taboo to even talk in the bathroom for my generation. When did taking a dump become proper topic, -- in the bathroom, -- and while you are doing it? And does string cheese really make you constipated?

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Between Growing Up and Not Growing Up

I downloaded Scrabble from Yahoo the other day, I have always loved this game. My uncle introduced it to me when I was a child, but I never had anybody that plays with me. It's not until I got to this city that I can get a regular game going on with a friend. I usually win, not because I knew more words but Scrabble is primarily a math game. You are counting points all the time. I guess that pisses my friend off, because she is born in the States and pride herself as a reader and a writer. While I occasionally enjoy some mystery and fiction, never read much at all. So after a while, I stopped going to that friend's house. She can be obnoxious and over-bearing at times, which reminds me of my own family, which is why I'm here alone, in the states, to be as far away from my family as possible.

Principe Rana has been doing pro-bono floor plans for his co-workers. He had taken over my desk, so I haven't even started my painting of him yet. So I got a copy of PS2's Marvel: Ultimate Alliance and banging away every day after work. Time flies when you are playing video games; you turn around and it's 10:00 at night. With all the time I'm investing in it, I may as well be doing something else, get a second job or something. Why do they have to be so enjoyable?

I just got a Chinese New Year's card from GS. It is THE most beautiful Chinese New Year's card I've ever seen in my life. it looks like a pair of carved rose wood door with gold handle bars and everything is crafted in such details, the lions on the golden handle bars, the see-through window crafted with cherry blossoms and the gold dragons all around the window and the gold lotuses on the lower panels of the door. I'm very impressed. I used to have such a humongous crush on him, but we became good friends afterwards and now he's married. His wife left a little note on the card saying hi and tell me to enjoy my life... cute.

It's flurrying festively outside the window and I'm wondering when I can see my friends again.

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The World of The Heteros, Part 2

I work with this doctor and there are pharmaceuticals representative around here all the time. These pharm-reps are a unique bunch of people, they go to different doctor offices all day to persuade doctors to use the medication their company are selling. Because of their jobs, they need to be amiable and cheerful at all times. To butter the doctors up, they sometimes buy lunch for the whole office, which I and sometimes Principe would benefit from and most of them are not so bad to look at either.

So last week one of them called Kim was around and she was trying to install a program for the doctor to use. She wasn't computer savy at all, in fact I think she might be computer illiterate. During the course of the week, she came to my cubicle at least 10 times asking me basic questions like how she can get to yahoo.com to aol.com, how to log on and how to download documents. She obviously don't know how to do her job, and since I don't work for the doctor, I don't see a point working for her and all the while touching my back, my hand, rubbing her boobs against my shoulder as if compensating me for helping her. "You're barking up the wrong tree, honey!" Not only that, I actually hate being touched by people I don't know and the whole coming on to me thing freaks me out!

It gets me into thinking maybe the world moves that way for the heteros. When you want something done for you, you flirt your way around it. That's just how people get ahead. Maybe my lack of ability to do that is what hinders my career and day to day tasks. For example, our CFO gets her way all the time with telephone companies and one time her boyfriend owes the school $1000 for late fee and she just marched into the school's office and tell them that she won't pay for that and they let her. ES and I called that 'Blonde Power', it does exist. I tried using the same tone and logic to deal with those people, it never works for me. It must be nice to be white and blond in this country.

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The World of The Heteros, Part 1

It's my 100th entry on this blog. Wow, time flies and who knew I have so much bottled up inside?

Well, just for laughs DC and I went to Hooters for lunch the other day. Honestly, I've never been in one and everybody on TV and real life say they have good wings and I really love wings. So I has always been curious of the place. DC says he frequents Hooters back when he was in Miami and he always loved their curly fries.

So the place is a bit western looking with tons of flat screen TV all showing some kind of sports. The girls are wearing skimpy outfits. It was in the 20s outside and I was surprised that they are still wearing short shorts inside the restaurant. There were country rocks playing in the background. The customers are mostly men, like a gay bar as DC had pointed out, there was a few female customers but I was really surprised to see kids inside. They call it a "family restaurant".

Because it was so cold, we ordered some new england clam chowder, some fries and wings to share. I ordered a cheesesteak for myself and DC had a pulled pork BBQ sandwich. We went all out, because I didn't think I would ever step foot into a Hooters again. Other than the soup and DC's BBQ sandwich, everything was quite bad. The fries are cold, there is this big, big crust around each wing and maybe I'm too spoiled living in Philly, the cheesesteak there can't even compare. So this is the life of the Heteros, ESPN, Beer, exploiting women, country music and bad wings. Boy, I'm glad I'm gay! The only thing remotely interesting in there was this 6'4", big, bald, muscle-bound bouncer/manager guy; the type that only exists in trailer park and the Jerry Springer Show. It's very interesting how people design all these places to cater to different people.

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Movie Review - Dreamgirls

I've always like broadway musicals, it's in my gay gene. Ha! But more times than often, it translates badly into movies. 'Rent' was good and we had the thrill of seeing 'Chicago' on the big screen, but Renee Zellweger and Richard Gere are awkward at best. I guess people don't expect big stars to be able to sing and dance as well.

As a skit on MadTV had said, Dreamgirls follows the common story of how a star, or in this occassion, a group of songstress made it big much like previous movies like "Ray" or "Walk the Line". It is essentially the same plot for different race or gender or number of people.

The goup of girls call themselves "The Dreams", much like the Supremes in the 80s. Effie White, brilliantly acted by Jennifer Hudson, is a talented singer with a great voice, much like Aretha Franklin. Her brother C.C. is a great songwriter. With two other girls, they are great act that got discovered by manager Curtis Taylor (Jamie Foxx). They started up as backup singers for James "Thunder" Early (Eddie Murphy) and then proceed to have their own act. One of the other girls, Deena Jones (Beyonce Knowles) lead their act because Curtis, being the controlling manager that he is, thought she was more attractive. Deena took all the spotlight and Effie left the group because she felt her talent wasn't appreciated. Deena eventually married Curtis and become a big star like Diana Ross. Effie struggles with life and goes back to singing which she was always meant to do.

This film is pleasing to the eyes and ears, but this story was told too many times before. I don't know why Beyonce would be the leading actress when Effie is the main character of this story. Jennifer hudson should have been the leading actress. Just because you are a bigger star in real life does not make you the leading actress of every film you're in. Hollywood is so convoluted. Otherwise, the film is good. A "B-" from me.

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Movie Review - Curse of the Golden Flower

I've always regarded Director Zhang YiMou as one of the greatest Chinese Director there's ever been. He has a highly skillful storytelling ability that is unsurpassed by anybody else. There are only few better than him and it is because they have the big hollywood budget for it. But lately, I've been quite disappointed in him.

Director Zhang has gone commercial. So much so that he does not even care about having a story in his films. A talented storyteller such as Zhang should never give up the story and go for those action-based Kung-Fu movies. It's inherently wrong. I understand that people want kung-fu movies, and that's what pays well, but to give up those high quality, carefully crafted drama is such a waste of talent.

Curse of the golden flower is a beautifully staged film set in Tang dynasty when all of China is bathed in luxury, excess and chrysanthemum is in trend. The movie tries very hard to capture its audience with stunning colors and costumes. You can see gold everywhere, on the king's armor, on the architectures, on the costumes, on the queen's elaborate headress and fingertips, on her chrysanthemum embroidery. The whole movie you can see tons of color contrasts, A whole field of yellow, a whole army of neon green and neon blue, multi colorpillars and columns in the palace. It is quite busy for the eye. Maybe they try to stay true to the Tang Dynasty of being excess, and that stays around the entire movie - the feeling of excess. The movie makes it look like every Chinese knows Kung-Fu and Chinese Medicine.

The movie is about the emperial family in China, where a rift exist between the king (Chow yun-fat) and the queen (Gong Li). The king is secretly poisoning his queen for having an affair with his son, and the queen is retaliating with a rebellion act. After all these years, I am still mesmerized by Gong Li's exceptional skills. She is undoubtedly the star of this movie. Chow Yun-Fat plays a strict emperor who's broken family has driven him to craziness. There's not much depth in the story, just a few lines to explain the relations of several people. Any mysteries that had built up was immediately explained five minutes later. The movie ends with a violent explosion of fights and killing. At the end, it all seems to be a shameless career built up move for singer/actor Jay Chou into the international market. After all he's the only one who died for a "righteous" reason, and it is his songs that played at the end with translation and all.

There are a few points that doesn't make sense to me. The army that comes out of nowhere and why doesn't the king just kill the queen bugs me a bit and what the medicine represents that they have to stress it again and again. For me it's a "C-"!

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Movie Review - Pan's Labyrinth

Today, I went to work and spontaneously decided to take off around 11:00am to go to a movie with El Principe. Since Principe does not have to work for these two days, I thought he might be bored out of his mind already. It's mostly because I was browsing the movie listings around and I saw this movie called "Pan's Labyrinth" that I really wanted to see and it's in Spanish, so I thought it would be a good idea to go. Principe originally told me that he wants to go to his counsin's around 3:00 pm and it's his last day off, since currently I really hate being at the office, so I thought to myself, why not?

The movie is about a girl who lived in politically unstable Spain during World War II named Ofelia (By the way, I still believe that the Japanese named their newest gaming console "Wii" as an effort to replace the bad association of WWII). After Ofelia's father died, her mother and her moved to her new stepdad's fortress. Her mother is pregnant and sick, her new stepfather is a cruel general who kill peole at will. To close herself out of the mean world, Ofelia immerses herself in fairy tales. During her journey, she was being followed by a large flying mantis which later turned into a fairy and lead her into a labyrinth next to her stepfather's camp. There, she encountered a half-human, half-goat monster called a Faun who tell her that she actually was a princess of the underground world but in order for her to return to the netherworld, she must perform three tasks to prove her valor.

The twists and turns between reality and fantasy, the ailing mother, the cruel stepfather, the army and the revolution compose a fantastically romantic story of Odelia. The gloomy and dark background of World War II curiously harmonizes with the mysterious darkness of a fairy tale. I guess they were right, black goes well with everything. The story of a helpless girl, much like its predecesor Annie or Matilda, allows the viewer to take the main character's side almost instantenously. Overall, I'm amazed at the storytelling ability of the director. This movie is well worth the money. It's a "B+"!

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I'm A Computer

Logically, I'm pretty pissed these days. Being cheated on and all. The difficult part is actually to have to come into work and see those people who cheated me being here. Hearing their voices, seeing their faces. Talked to DC and his career seems to be better and better, he just got another higher offer, although he doesn't think he's taking it because he'll have to be further away from JEW. I'm jealous, why can't my career and salary be better?

The problem is, after I got my degree in Information Technology I should have continuously improving my skills in this field. I suppose because my work really does not have much to do with it, I'm pulling myself further and further from my field. I'm like a computer that has passed its prime, with new model constantly coming out. Without upgrading, I'm out-dated, slow and passe, depreciated, worthless... I wonder what kind of job I can find, if I don't work here anymore. In this place, I'm a demigod, because everybody else is so clueless.

Right now, I should just plug in my headphones and ignore all these people. Perhaps, I won't even show up some days. Who cares, anymore? They have let a person who works here show up half the time and still pay her. There's no reason why I have to be here all the time.

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The Feeling of Being Cheated

I can't believe it, but my company cheated me out for $8,250. We had an outside contract which we accepted and I was one of the member who is assigned to this program. We discussed it before new year that it would be extra money for the people who worked on it and mine came to $8,250. We were all happy about it. But now came New Year and the project is in progress, and I was told that I would just get my regular salary. They said they never told me that and why would they give me extrea money? I confirmed with my CFO that they did say it would be extra, but the CFO also told me that it's not her decision to whether increase my salary or not. If my boss decides to use the money for something else, it is his choice.

So I worked extra for nothing... The point that really got me is that he pretended not to remember what actually was said and try to persuade me that I remembered wrong. I should have forced him to write it down on paper, no matter how rude or socially awkward it would have made him feel. I can never trust them ever again. Our CFO and I use to be very close, I looked out for her and I expect her to look out for me, but if she can't do that for me I don't think I should do that for her anymore. I thought about suing, but they are blackmailing me with my green card application right now. I think that's why they decided that they can keep the extra money for themselves anyway. I wish that I can win the lottery and sue the hell out of them. Ha!

I kept it civil, although I'm punching myself in the stomach now. I should have made a scene or something. But you know what? I learned that I can never be friends with them again and I learned not to trust anything that is not written on a piece of paper.

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The Pleasures of New York

I went to NY and Mitsuwa yet again this weekend, but this time I went alone. I seldom go to New York for leisure, most of the time I go with a purpose; Shopping and eating being the purpose, mostly. Some special groceries that I have to get or shopping for X'mas or going to Ajisen for their tenderous pork ribs noodle soup with extra corn and egg. But honestly the city does not excite me that much.

It's just another grayish town, maybe because I don't know the city as well as other folks. There's nothing exciting about it. I'm not interested in museums or parks, and I'm not into clubs and bars. And who have the patience to skim through all the restaurants to see which ones they like? I think the wonders of New York is in how much cultures can co-exist in an island and the number of people there is. Many qualities that my native city Hong Kong shares as well.

I'm glad though that it is so near. At least I can go at times to get my comic books and music. To me, New York is like a store that is far away from me, but they got things I like. And I get to burn a few calories walking around it. It's good exercise.

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Second Heat

The long weekeend has made me start a few project, or continue to prgress on them anyway. I bought more yarn for my year-long knitting project. Now, I would have paid more than $300 for a freaking blanket, not to mention the time I've invested in this project. I just thought if I already started, I might as well finish it. I was over at Express Men today and see them selling sweaters for $9.99 to $19.99, It's would have been a lot faster and cheaper to sew the sweaters together and make a blanket out of it... I swear after I finish this, I would never, ever sew again.

Other than sewing, I went to an art and crafts store to buy some oil paint, some paint brush and a canvas board. I am going to start doing a painting on Principe. I got a nice photograph of him in an Ajisen - Japanese noodle shop and there are some sumo paintings on the wall, which make that photo very interesting. I hope I've learned how to paint through my "painting by numbers" thing. But knowing that I'm color weak, it might turn out to be very gruesome or the outcome would resemble a pop art piece, with the color all wrong and strangelike.

I found some poems that I wrote a while back, when I was out with this guy. I was really obsessed with him, now that I look back, I can't see why. I still see him sometimes, but I don't feel the same anymore. I think it's because I got to know him a bit more and figured out that he's not perfect. Actually, very far from it. But now that I found some poem, maybe I should look at them and tweak them a bit. Maybe later in life, I would be able to publish a book of poems.

But then again, I don't think I should start so many project all at once. I should just focus on one, finish it before starting another. Or else, I might not be able to finish any at all. How terrible, that would have been? The problem is that my energy pattern is like a bomb, it explodes, get very hot all at once, but it never lasts. If I can choose, I much rather be a stove or a candle, it always burn consistently, might not be big and bright, but it's always there. How can I alter my energy pattern? I have to practice being consistent. It would take a bit of buddhist education, a bit of Zen or maybe Yoga would be the answer.

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Long Weekend Ahead

I've been wanting to go back on my diet, or going back to the gym. Given there's really nothing forbidding me to do so, but I just couldn't get myself together for it. i have realized lately how much i enjoy shopping or just spending money in general, I bought me and Principe that pair of G-Shocks, got a bunch of iTunes online and spent my Barnes and Noble gift card on a bunch of CDs. I really have to change my feeling associate with money spending. I need to somehow feel unhappy about it, so I would stop this trend. My dentist office is charging me $135 just for examining and X-rays... They said my insurance should cover it and I won't have to spend a dime, but if they are invoicing me, that means my insurance is not covering it, which they should. So I would need to call them and yell at them.

Thank god this weekend is a long weekend. I always enjoy long weekends.

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Another Sunday

Weekends are so short. Not that I have anything planned for them usually, but I would love to just work four days a week like the European and have a long weekend every week. I usually do my laundry every Saturday after struggling to get out of bed for half a day and once laundry is done the weekend is almost over. My colleague suggested me to do laundry on week nights, but I usually get quite lazy after work, with that and cooking dinner I don't want another chore at night.

I think I need a real vacation, to leave my actual life behind and go experience stuff, to forget all responsibilities. I could go to another city and snap artistic pictures or paint some paintings or write stories. Follow a different path for a while and see how I like it.

It's not until recently that I find that I'm not that bad looking. I guess I never had much confidence in any department, and after living on my own for a few years I'm starting to build it. I guess since I'm financially independent now and quite comfortable with my own lifestyles, not to mention finding someone who truly loves me for who I am, my confidence starts to build on its own. It's a great thing. If it continues to build, my goal of happiness might not be that farfetched. Maybe since my value of self is rising, I would really stick to the gym and start taking care of myself and my appearance in general.

I have seen some people pretend to be happy and wear a smile on their face all the time. I can't ignore the fact that soem people can truly be happy all the time, but nature told me that worry is present more than half of the time because it is a natural response to potential threats of the environment and happiness is just a reaction to fulfillment. But most fulfillment is temporary and we know that nobody can be content of what they have. We are always seeking for more, more money, more food, more lovers, bigger house, bigger cars. Therefore, happiness can never lasts. The only way that one can be happy is learn to be content of oneself and what one has. I think being confident in oneself is a good place to start.

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Resolutions... Not!

I've planned a day between me and my computer, but it didn't turned out as such. The reason why I've planned a day with my computer is because I've just found out that my labor certification went through. A very good news for me indeed, that means very soon after my application for my green card goes in, I will be a free man. I will be able to quit my job here and go to another company. Possibly changing my outlook in life drastically in the process. I need a fresh new start, a blank canvas where hopefully I can achieve my ultimate goal of happiness. (I'm sure in many ways this is bull, I don't need a brand new life, I just need to adjust my attitude this very moment...)

ES called me out for dim sum with her son KEL and husband PL (Hey, we got the same initials...) I just discover that like me, she can be quite the control freak sometimes. She's always telling her husband what to do and he mostly listen to her. When he doesn't, they get into these little fights that I think is common between couples. ES is always saying that she will one day leave her husband and go back to Japan and she's also says that she thinks she can't handle attractive boyfriends and that's the reason why she married PL. I guess in many ways, she's ashamed of her husband. It shows, she practically treats her husband like a help or a slave. I wonder why they got married in the first place.

So we had dim sum and after that we went to see the Mummer's parade. We both got our cameras and was shooting away. I think I can't make up my mind when I'm shooting pictures. I'm too indecisive and when I'm ready to shoot, I've lost the moment and it's already too late. I think in some ways, photography is very much like hunting. I guess that's why they use the word "shoot" for photography in general. But I'm more interested in shooting architectures and objects than people and animals, I just need to take more practice.

Nobody I know mentioned any new year's resolutions this year, which I think it's pretty odd. I guess year after year we create some goals that we never follow through and people are getting pretty tired of that. I do still want to lose weight but since JH has left my company, no one gets me motivated enough to go to the gym everyday. I should start exercising and perhaps on a diet soon, I know I won't be able to accomplish much. But "Optimism is the key to success", this should definitely be my new motto.

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Week in Withdraw

We have been out of Internet in the office in the past week. Our CFO decided to change everything over to Verizon and of course, we have some complications during the transfer. Nothing is ever easy. They forgot to send us a modem, and then they sent us the wrong one, and then they say they have sent us the wrong one again, and now they say our service will not be turned on until the 10th. Well, I have expected it so I'm not surprised. It's always like that when you deal with telephone/web server/cable companies. They all have automated telephone responding system that put you through a series of number-pressing or keyword-recognition riddles and after five minutes of say-threes, press-fours, you'll be on hold to talk to somebody real for the next twenty-thirty minutes, you'll have to provide the same information you have provided the machine all over again. They treat you as if you are an idiot, and transfer you to another department. By then your call will be dropped somehow, and you have call back and do the whole routine again. What a waste of time.

I couldn't access my neighbor's wireless, so I'm forced to come out to this coffee shop to do whatever I need to do online. This includes banking, tracking my purchases, emailing, posting my blog and finding out information I have been looking for. Although when I'm in the office, I had to do real work. Thank god we are still in the process of moving, and there are things for me to do. Plus I find an old trial version of Word Mojo I downloaded from Yahoo that is still in my computer, so that helps me to pass through the day. The setup of our office is a lot more open now, I no longer have the biggest office anymore, I'm sharing a cubicle space with ES, but it is open to the whole office, so I have to get used to the noise and habits of other people. I hope I don't get irritated so easily, I have to build up my calm and collected persona. Like a monk, I have to be cool at all situations and all time. Build up my karma. I have to say lately I have been quite fiery. They say optimism and confidence is the key to success, I cannot allow myself to be negative all the time anymore. It's not attractive.

The problem is that I'm no good when I'm under stress and more times than not I find myself handling everything and everybody's problem. But I must find out a way to counter that and learn how to handle more responsibility without exploding and lashing out on everyone. How will I be able to accomplish that? How do I learn how to deal with situations like that and actually be able to be calm and collected at all times? It's a toughie for sure.

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Year In Review 2006

I spent the last hour and a half of 2006 sleeping. I think it's a first for me, because I usually watch those countdown shows with Dick Clark or MTV or even the local channels becaue they usually have fireworks and all in my city. This year, I slept.

There's a reason for it though. I bought caviar, smoke salmon, foie gras and a bottle of champagne for dinner and I guess the champagne got to both me and Principe. So by the time it got to a bit past 10:00, we couldn't help but feel really tired. I've been spending a lot lately, thank god I saved up some during the year. I should really control myself, if I keep having the same spending pattern, come retirement I would have no choice but live on the streets. I wonder how that can be changed. I already designed a spreadsheet to track my spending but it only helped me save up money and spend it all out again. It's better then having no security, but I must plan for the future.

I rented a couple of movies for the past days, for some reasons some of the phrases is still sticking with me. It's a scene between a midget and a transvestite in a movie called "20 Centimeters"; The midget just fionish a cello lesson and he says: "She says I've got talent." "We all have talents, it's money that we ned to develop them." Maybe it's true, we all have talents, it's money that we don't have to develop our talents. Maybe if we are all great artists inside us, some just don't have the luxury to spend time and resource to nurture our talents. It all became clearer after I've heard those words.

Year 2006 in review was nothing special. I think generally after all this bitching I've done in this blog, I'm still quite happy. Financially, I'm stable. Health-wise, there's no big blunder, I went to the gym periodically. Love-wise, I have a guy that I can invest in emotionally even though it might be very temporary. I don't belive in new year resolution, but I would be a lot happier if I can stick to the gym or a diet and lose some weight. Although now I believe that everybody got talents, I still want to further develop my artistic side and be able to create something. If not for anything else, it's entertaining to me. And the very last, I need to learn how to plan for my future. Maybe not spend so much in the extravagant and start saving money actively.

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King For A Day

Last night DC and JEW took me out for Vietnamese. We went to a restaurant that DC liked and the food was pretty good. JEW like to tease a lot and we kept on joking and I have a pretty good time. We exchanged gifts, I gave them some Shanghai Tang cufflinks for X'mas and DC gave me a box of chocolate, some soaps, a sweater and also a $50 Barnes and Noble's gift card. He said he had no clue what I wanted, I thought that was pretty good. I gave the sweater to Principe, so he don't feel left out. He was pouting at home and didn't want to join us for dinner, because he can't communicate with anyone. That took care of the guilt I felt for buying myself a sweater and not getting him anything.

So I went to work today and they still didn't get the DSL hooked up. I kinda confronted my boss for lying to my face. I find myself liking him less and less. I didn't think that was possible. I also decided to take a day off next week sometime. Since Principe will have two days off. I may go to the Bronx Zoo with him and test out our new camera.

Suddenly I remember that this is the time of the year that something called "King Cake" is available. So I went to a very prominent bakery called "Miel" in town and see if they have any. Luckily they have it available for order, so I ordered one. Of course they don't call it king cake, snobs, they call it "Galette des Rois". I remember when I was still living in Paris, we used to have a King Cake Party with the other Chinese restaurants owners' kids. They hide a miniature baby Jesus made out of sugar in this tart with almond fillings and whoever get the slice of pie containing the baby Jesus would be "king" for a day. It comes with a paper crown and all. I never get the baby Jesus for some reason and believe me when I say that I've been holding a grudge ever since. I figure this year if I ate the whole pie, I'm bound to be the king. Haha...!

Rented a few movies and I also bought a few DVDs, I plan to cozy up at home and watch them all in one sitting. I made some meatballs that are exceptionally good, I also made some congees, so I guess I don't have to go up for a while. Did I mention that I also got a box of chocolate? I can be king for a stay-at-home day!

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Excuse Me But Can I Be You For A While?

Since Principe Rana's watch is breaking apart, I thought it would be kinda romantic to buy a pair of similar watches and call them our "wedding bands". I had a "Mr. G-Shock" and used it for the past 10 years. It hasn't break on me yet, I find it very reliable and so I decided to shop for some new Gs. So I went around and looked and find myself very attracted to a blue faced G-511D and since Principe loves red, I found a G-520D4 that he might like. Bid for them on Ebay and I paid for shipping and handling which comes to about US$80 each. Not a bad deal considering they cost about $150 to $200 each. Then I got a text message from my Ex-boyfriend that says: "Grow up and start realizing what you can't be without me." What the hell? we went out for three years and broke up five years ago and I ignored all his late night phone calls and messages. They say the grieving time of a relation is half of its duration. Man, he's way over his limit. He was bitter and depressed and a lot older than me, not to mention a racist, fat and broke. I realized what I can't be when I'm with him - happy, and that's why I dumped him. Now when I look back, I wonder why I was with him that long to begin with. I must have high tolerant to pain and suffering.
I went to Express Men and got a nice sweater for $40, but there's only one good color, so I only got one for myself and didn't get Principe anything, so I feel tremendously guilty. Strange, eh? I went to the dentist and he scolded me for not going to see him and that my tartar built up is horrendous, and he wants to do a special procedure on me that would cost me $1,200. So, I haven't go and see him for three and a half years and only see him before I lose my dental insurance, big deal! My colleague JH went to see another dentist that is the boyfriend of the owner of the bar he frequent and the guy did not even charge him a cent. I guess it's good to be good-looking, sociable and popular. Why can't I be more like him? My dentist literally used 'scare tactics' on me, which was irritating. "Do you know that people with gum disease tends to have diabetes, stroke, heart attacks?", "You're young, but I hate to see you throw your life away." C'mon, give me a break! I might as well be doing drugs or something. It really did put me in a foul mood.

My boss just called me and ask me if I mind going to work and help moving the server and other peripharals. I know he's lying when he told me that the building needs us to move out of the space before Friday, because the building manager specifically told me that we can take as long as we want. He just say that because he likes to annoy other people. I'm on vacation, and if he can get me out of vacation to do this for him, it's make him feel important and powerful. If I go to work tomorrow and do this for him, they'll just be able to use it for tomorrow afternoon, everybody will be off Saturday through Monday and back on Tuesday anyway, so what's the point? I should have never took his call when I see my caller ID anyway, stupid me. I wish I win that immigration lottery thing, get my green card and get the hell out of this company.

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Christmas Spoils

I have to say I made a pretty good meal on X'mas day. Principe Rana didn't have to go to work, so I thought I want to do something special for us. Filet'ed some chicken legs and marinaded them into chicken steaks and put them on the grill. Chicken steaks are pretty much my favorite meat in the word. I put the leg bone and some vegetables and spice into some boiling water and simmered them for hours to yield some broth out of them and use the broth to make a mushroom barley risotto and did a side orange salad. Got some tiramisu and some champagne and that was it. Everything tasted pretty good and especially loved the risotto.

So I was proud of myself and all, and was gonna reheat the rest of the risotto for dinner tonight, but found it to be spoiled. I was so pissed off, why is it always the things that test the best who got spoiled? I was hoping to save it for dinner tonight and since it's winter, I thought I could have left it out. Ah... now I have to make instant noodles and serve it with the leftover chicken steaks. Funny, cause I made some roasted root vegetables last week and come to find out that I don't really like root vegetables that much. I put them in the fridge and that are still okay.

Now I'm thinking of planning a trip to the Bronx Zoo with Principe. Since I got him an expensive semi-pro camera, we might as well put it to good use. Find out once I transfer the photos from the memory card and delete them, I can't transfer the photos back to the memory card. Guess I have to buy another gadget to do the task. In chinese, we call it "Pick up a dark belt and lose a fortune." Because all the other accessories that you need to get to go with the first thing you pick up is gonna cost a fortune. In the future, I foresee a tripod, a few more lenses, a remote clicker, another memory card, a printer and more... It was a bad idea to start with, god knows how I'm gonna afford this hobby.

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Fogo de Chao (X'mas Meal 06)

So I finally tried Fogo de Chao, twice, this week. The whole experience of this restaurant is more like an adventure. They give you a card which one side is red and the other side is green. When you flip it to the green side, a wasp of waiters they called 'gaucho' will come circling by with a big chunk of roast meat in their hands, asking whether you want some or not. And these gauchos won't stop coming by unless you flip the card back to red.

The whole restaurant is a bit intimidating, the service is a bit too much. They take your coat which is normal, they pull and push your chair when you are sitting down, even if you are a guy. They came by two or three times asking you how things are. They change your plates every 10 minutes. The manager comes by to have small talks every now and then to make sure you are having a good meal and a great time. One waiter came to deliver juice and complimentary fruit for the kid, so I said "Thank you." and he replied "MY PLEASURE!!!" with tons of enthusiasm, which I thought was scary. It's feels like a cult or that he got brainwash or something. Noboby is that nice.

So 15 cuts of meat circling by every minute. There's filet mignon, rib-eye, bottom sirloin, sirloin, top sirloin, beef ribs, lamb chops, leg of lamb, filet mignon wrapped in bacon, garlic beef, chicken breast wrapped in bacon, Chicken drumsticks, pork ribs, baby back ribs and pork sausage. Every table comes with non-stop garlic mash potatoes, platanos and fried polentas, there's also a salad bar with exotic things like heart of palms, artichoke hearts, smoke salmon and shiitake mushrooms alike. The meats here tend to be on the salty side and we paid nearly $60 per person, but I have to say on occassion, this is a nice experience.

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Gifts and Parties

Woke up this morning at 7:00 to bake cookies for the party. I got the recipe from that Barefoot Contessa, personally I think she's too snobby, fake and she tries too damn hard, but it shouldn't affect her cooking skills. They were coconut thumbprints cookies, I stuffed half of them with raspberry jam and half of them with apricot jelly. The cookies turned out OK, but I don't think I'm gonna make them again. There are better recipes out there, and I usually bake cakes anyway.

My colleague asked me for a favor, her friend asked her to get some gift cards for him. Three $150 and one $100 gift cards from Macy's, I guess that guy is pretty loaded. We exchanged gifts, so far I 've got a tea pot and a 'Chinese' knitting kit. It comes with a pair of 'chopsticks' knitting needles and they put the yarn in a Chinese take out box and they call the yarn dark greyish color black bean. It's quite hilariously racist, I passed by the store one day and thought who would buy that stuff, now I know.

I had a lot of fun giving out gifts though. So far everybody liked their gifts quite a bit, and I was pretty happy about that. the two staff that received the shadowboxes that I put together were thrilled. Well, most staff I gave a gift to were plenty happy. I'm glad.

We got food catered by Bertucci's, it was pretty good. I definitely loved the cheesy breadsticks. Can't wait to be at Fogo de Chao tomorrow chowing down big meat. Cheers!

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Auditors

The auditors are here for the nth time, it's so many times that I practically lose count. There are auditors that we hire and there are the one's from the feds and there are the one from the states. It's like a tag teamed match and we are the ones getting beat all the time.

Whenever we have auditors in house, our CFO get all crazy. She get very tense and pissy and she'll start badmouthing the performance of other staff. The weird part is that she won't criticized me and she trust me immensely. There's a good working relationship between us. I do trust her too, she seems to be the fairest of them all. (Like Snow White...) But it translate to coming to me for help everytime she hits a block. I was happy to help her at first, and I know that nobody else can help her. But after a while it gets tiresome and she can be quite unreasonable under stress. I mean, she'll ask me to help her with these humongous tasks. Those things take up so much of my time that it is all I do for a very long period of time. It's not even in my job description, but because of the people that works on it f#^k up so bad that I have to do it for them, so we can be good in the eyes of the auditors.

And those auditors are so high and mighty, they have an attitude like they are there to get us. Watching over our every move and when we tell them how things come to be, they get very suspicious. I don't really need them to trust us, I could care less. Talk to my finance people, it's really not my job to convince them of what I or our other staff do. Bite me. Maybe they don't like my boss, I can understand that. They might wonder how come the whole week that they are here, they only see my boss in the office for three hours, but take that up with him. I don't have any control over my boss, I don't need to defend him or cover for him.

It's X'mas and I really don't feel like working hard for them or seeing them around at all. Come back in February, we'll talk.

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More Gifts and Spending Ideas

I said I was all spent out, but I still manage to spend more this weekend. Two pairs of new shoes, a new sweater, underwear, new eye glasses for me and El Principe, an umbrella and a hat as gifts. Macy's was having a sale, discount after discount, it was very exciting. I spotted a pair of Steve Madden all year, now it's half the price. And I bought groceries, I'm making a beef roast tonight with roast winter vegetables.

Funny that I get very excited when I buy other people stuff but I rarely buy myself anything. I think psychologically I needed acceptance or I like to please too much. My VHS has been broken for a week and I finally threw that thing away. I gave my entire VHS collection to JH. Bought some connector for the DVD-recorder that I bought from Hong Kong a few years ago, so now I can record TV and play my PS2. I'm happy.

I found out that a Brazilian All-You-Can-Eat Churrasco Steakhouse Fogo de Chao just opened up in our city. It makes my mouth water, just from the thought of it. El Principe adores Churrasco, too bad it's not open on Christmas Day. I definitely want to take him there and I think my friend DC will enjoy that and MO will probably enjoy the mile-long salad bar.

I bought a digital picture displayer for El Principe, I always buy 'follow-up' gifts. It's not enough just to get one thing, I like to get other related things along with the main gift so he can be content. It looks just like a picture frame, but it display pictures from a memory card just like a powerpoint presentation. That way, El Principe wouldn't have to waste tons of money each year to buy cartridge and photo paper. He's a maniac when it comes to pictures, he prints and prints and prints. No matter if the picture is a good one or not, he just prints them all out. It's costing a bundle. The displayer however is a little scratched up, I already wrapped it up, but since MO says she's going to Sam's Club on Wednesday, I think I'll just go unwrap it and do an exchange. It was almost $200, can't afford to get something not perfect. I'll have to stare at it everyday and it will bug the hell out of me.

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Crash and Burn

It is extremely irritating that my bosses do not know what they are doing. I wonder how they got to be where they are. I know how our deputy director got to be where he is, he had been in a relationship with our executive director for the past eight years, but how did our executive director got to be where he is? Somebody once told me that it is not crucial for a manager to know how to work, his/her job is only to manage the people who works. That would explain how my bosses don't work at all.

It is extremely irritating that they only come in whenever they want and do not know nothing about what's going on in the organization and won't even except responsibility when something goes wrong. I'd like to think that maybe every boss is the same or maybe every employee thinks that their boss is a jerk, but mine somehow just seems to be bigger jerks.

For example, he told us that after December, since our company is downsizing and has limited resources, he would leave our organization and stay on as a consultant. It seemed to be a great thing for a great guy to do at that time, but he would get a huge severance, a consulting fee and he talked to the board so he would be re-hired in February and a sign-on bonus. Basically, he would double his salary with this little skillful maneuvre. Plus, the deputy director would get a raise during that period for acting as the executive director and after the other one comes back it is unlikely that his salary would go back to normal. Getting a big raise when the company is downsizing, what a move! He told everyone that he is a senior staff he would get two weeks of severance for every year he has been here and all other staff would just get one week per year, forgetting that once in a meeting he practically made everybody a senior staff out of spite, but of course he now denies it when it affects his own money.

Five of our staff toured South America for three weeks, using $20,000 on air fare and food and hotel to 'get business'. But it is a leisure tour, some of the staff who goes there don't even speak Spanish. So there's not a lot of money to pay severance, and for other things needed in the office, he'll just say 'We don't have money!'. It wouldn't have upset me much, but a staff who has been here for 14 years just came to me the other day and ask me whether she can go to the food bank and get food.

The board is composed with people who don't care or friends with my bosses who are easily deterred by lies. They are all people that can be easily controlled by my bosses. They are there mostly for the vanity of it. Most of those people are quite uneducated and mostly don't know how a board should be. Of course I quite appalled that the deputy has f#*ked his way to where he is today and how my boss, an executive director of a non-profit and doesn't do a thing can earn more than the mayor of our city. But if he is the one who sets his salary, there is really nothing that anybody else can do. Any actual work that they have to do they hire a consultant. I'm pretty sure the fate of this organization would end miserably and I hope I'll be able to get out and get what I need from this before they do.

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I'm All Spent Out

It's X'mas around the corner again, yes, I know. And since our company is downsizing, I felt like I should give everyone a X'mas gift. It's our last X'mas together, and although they are getting a severance, I do feel bad for them. My bosses and some other staff have been going around South America to 'get business' or just travel around , so I doubt that there's any money left for them to pay their severance.

So I went to Pottery Barn to get some shadow boxes for two staff that have been quite dear to me, so I can make them some memoribilia with fake snow, tree barks, acorns, and pictures and poems and X'mas decorations, something nice to look at, soemthing that they can hang on their wall. I got ES a big cardigan from Banana, it can act as maternity clothes. (It's gonna be a healthy boy by the way...) JH who walk with me every single day is gonna get a wooden spatula (He's in a stage where he need to impress his boyfriend with his domestic skills and I gave him my Jambalaya recipe and he said his plastic spoon melted during the process) , a salt and pepper shaker, some napkins with printed form who tell cab driver where to drive him and where his money would be when he's drunk. I picked up a nice wallet for a staff, CM, who constantly put her money inside her bra. Ew... And some bracelet for four other staff from Macy's $9 each.

For MH and SR, who have been helping me sometimes, and they have been here for 14 years, I got them a $50 gift certificate to Wal-Mart. So they can stop telling me stories about nearly getting trampled on Black Friday for getting a big discount. SR came to my office the other day and ask how she and her family can access food banks. I feel so bad for her. The volunteer assigned to me, PM, has just told me that she has hodgkins disease, it's some kind of cancer. It's devastating, especially at her old age. I feel very bad for her too and she has been a tremendous help to my work, so I got her a bathrobe. I thought it will keep her warm at home. For my bosses, I just got them some crappy toys. They did enough tricks to get themselves rich, they don't need any extravagant gifts from me, they can buy themselves what they want with their own filthy money. I got some candles for other staff and for people who I don't like, I got nothing. I'm thinking of buying some edibles for other volunteers, I'll have to see.

Mailed $500 for my cousin who's getting married. I have to mail some to my grandma, too. There are too many odd characters in my family that none of them get along with each other. They are constantly isolating themselves. So grandma called me up and said her sons don't want to take care of her anymore. So I felt guilty and offered my help. I went and got two pairs of cufflinks for DC and JEW, they finally made up and JEW got a promotion and now he is even a bigger shot than before and DC gave up his new job in Delaware and stayed in the same company, that company even offered him a bigger salary for staying with them.

I thought Principe Rana would appreciate a professional camera, so I went on Ebay and bid on a digital camera that ES has gotten and loved. It's a Canon EOS Rebel XT with a 18-55mm Lens. It's sold in stores for $800. I accidentally won two of them for around $580 each, so I paid them and I'm now waiting to get them. Once I get both, I think I'll sell one out on Ebay. I was gonna offer the seller $50 if I can get the rest refunded, but since they haven't responded. I'll have to sell them.

Somehow, I get crazy when I buy gifts for X'mas. I should stop thinking myself as Santa Claus or something. I guess I become too obsessive and I aim to please too much.

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On Abortion

I once told a girl to abort her child. We were in college and she was seeing this boy in school, I think she had a crush on me for a while and I didn't tell her that I am gay until much later. But she was really friendly and she picked on me constantly, writing things on my hand and stuff. She was from Hong Kong too. After I told her my sexuality, we still remained friends and one day we went out to have steak at one of those Australian-themed chain restaurant, she told me that she couldn't eat much because she was feeling sick, especially in the morning, she thought she might have gotten a flu. So I asked her some more and she told me that her body has been acting weird and she has been missing her period for a while. So I thought she could have been pregnant. So I ask her who she has been hanging out with and if they have had sex and if they have been using protection. So she told me about this boy whose family owned a cane farm in Malaysia, and that they did have sex and she was vague about protection. So I told her to buy a home pregnancy test kit and test it at home. She asks me how do I know so much, I don't know how either, but I do wonder why she can be that clueless, especially when you are a girl you run bigger risks.

That night, she called me up crying, saying that she tested positive and asked me what she should do. I told her to talk to the boy and find out if they want to do something about it. If the boy doesn't, there's no point of keeping the child. Since it's very early in the stage, she can get an abortion if she wants to. And if I were her I would abort the child no matter what. She was still in college studying her undergrad, it's too soon to abandon her studies, give birth to a child and struggle to find low-paying job and feed an extra mouth. You'll grow to resent your child/husband for keeping your life in struggle.

Later on, somehow the boy and her got married and moved to Malaysia. She sent me picture of the kid, it's a girl. I don't quite know how her life turned out to be, but in some ways I was glad that she didn't take my advice. I was glad that the boy is responsible enough to wed her, most guys in his age would just run away. The term "baby's daddy" wasn't invented for nothing. Being one of the children who has a deadbeat for a father, I understand how unfair to be in a loveless family. In any rate, I wish her and her baby well.

Now my friend is pregnant and she is really worried that her child might have down syndrome since she's way over 30. She got her test done and she'll now the result come Thursday. I can tell she's nervous. On our way to Mitsuwa, yet again, this past Sunday. She was telling me if the results come out positive, her husband and her are going to get it aborted. Since she already has one, she feel that it is the right thing to do. Because right now it is much more crucial for KEL to have a healthier environment to grow then having a fetus with down syndrome. I'm reassuring her that the chance of her baby having down syndrome is slim to none and she should just relax. Along with the test, she will find out about the child's gender, she was really hoping for a girl, she even have the name picked out. I wish her all the best too.

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Thanksgiving Day Charade

So it's been 16 days since my last entry, I have been quite busy. Aside from knitting the blanket that I've been working on forever, I've been doing an oil painting and playing a video game called "Okami". It's quite crazy at work too. The transition into a new organization has commenced and there are lots to do. We have been scouting for a new office space, contacting real estate agents, visiting different buildings. I visited a space in a prime location and was really happy about it, because it was all ready to move in the rent is a $5,000 higher than what we are willing to pay, but at least the space is very "respectable". If a client or funder happens to stop by, at least we will look serious and professional. The first 7 floors in our building right now is occupied by a mental health agency, and let me tell you that the elevator scene are not pretty. But all my effort would prove to be in vain since we just got news that one of our doctor friend is very sick or as my boss has put it - "dying" and he says we might be able to sublet it from them and perhaps get two months rent free if we talk to the soon-to-be widower. I don't understand how low your morals had to be to take advantage of a woman who's husband is about to die. Doesn't that stay in your conscience? Don't you go to hell for this kind of things?
Anyway, I have to do a website for the new organization, translate our pamphlets, do inventory for furnitures and machines. I'm quite busy these days.

Principe Rana quits his new job a week into it. I knew it was gonna happen, it's too far and he never think about it before doing something drastic like this. There's no transportation for him to come home after a certain hour on weekends and he'll hae to rely on someone else to drive him to the station. So he has been 'unemployed' this week, and walking the streets looking for work. It hasn't been easy for him, he's bored and worried and those feelings got passed on to me as well. On top of it, he occupies space and take over the TV. Nothing I can do about it. To lift his spirit a bit, I took off Monday and bring him to DC with me. I didn't realize that it takes like 3 hours to get there and by the time we were there, it's already the afternoon. He being the photo-freak, we took pictures of almost everything we see. We stopped when it got dark.

For this year, I got a 'Thanksgiving Meal For Two' at a local supermarket. Everything is cooked so I don't have to slave all day for a meal that would be finished in 20 minutes. For $45 dollars, it has One and a half pounds of turkey, one and a half pounds od wild rice mushroom stuffing, one and a half pounds of mash potatoes, green beans, gravy and cranberry sauce and a small pumpkin pie. Given the green beans are a little on the raw side and the stuffing is a bit tough and it's no way as good as home cooking, but it's pretty good especially, again, you don't have to cook anything. The portions are more than generous. I'll just recook the beans and the rice, no big deal.

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Election Day

I have to say I really do hate politics. Politician nowadays are not working in government for the right reasons. Most politicians are corrupt and if they are not, they are child molesters or sexually deviant. Why can't they work for a just cause?

The negative campaigning commercials on Tv are design to make their opponents look bad. But it just make people lose faith in their government in general. Some politicians are beign criticized as too liberal, some are corrupt and made secret deals and give contracts to family members. Some voted 'No' for Armors for Soldiers in Iraq. Some of them are not even from the district that they are running from. All of which are information and gossip that I don't need to know. Why can't they just tell you what they stands for? Say "I'm for abortion, stem cells research and no war In Iraq" or "I will increase taxes for the rich and try to create more jobs opportunity and focus on increase welfare." it doesn't matter what the issues are, it doesn't matter if I agree with you or not, just take a stand! I don't want to vote for you because your opponents suck, I want to vote for you because I agree with you. But these candidates are too afraid to commit to a view, because they are afriad to lose the votes of people who don't agree with them. So instead of telling you what they are about, they just points out the mistake that the other person made.

It's also interesting how gas prices drop just before the election. Unregulated gas prices was a problem for the people. It was more than $3.00 a gallon half a year ago, oil companies have the largest profits margin in history. We all know the president and the vice president have heavy ties to oil companies, but nothing can be done about it because they are in power. So right before the election they are trying to lower the price to let people forget the problem exists. So when people go to vote, they will forget why voting for republicans is a problem. And after the election, the prices will increase again to $3.00 or even higher. Because, if they don't make profits when the Bush administration is still in power, they might not get the chance ever again. Mark my words, by X'mas the price of gas will go up to at least $2.90 per gallon.

It's funny how people's minds work. I have a colleague that swears by the Republicans. She supports the war in Iraq from the start and still support it after knowing that they did not have WMD. Supports torture. Thinks that the president does not have any responsibility towards Katrina or oil prices. Ignores the Mark Foley scandal. I think she only hears what she wants to hear and ignore all the other signs. these are the people who scares me the most. They are not reasonable anymore and she will still vote for Republicans even if the candidate kills someone in front of her and dangles the bloodied head in front of her face. and let me clear something up, there's a difference between a child molester and a homosexual.

Seeing all these idiots in office, I'm afraid for this country. Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

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Morning Sickness

DC called me on Saturday and told me that he's going to reject the offer from the other Pharmaceutical company in Delaware, so he doesn't have to move. "To save the marriage", as he put it. I don't know if it is as simple, him wanting to take a job with better offer somewhere else is a career move, it is a symptom but I don't think it's the root of the problem.

El Principe's new job allow him to have 2 days off. So we spent yesterday together and today I left him at home. Laying in bed together this morning, hearing him say "I love you forever." I can't help but wonder the sincerity of that expression. We both know that he'll eventually go back to his country. How does the word "Forever" comes to play? As the group Outkast has so adequately put it -"Forever-ever?"

From the start, I knew the fact that he'll eventually leave. I just want to be stupid for once and blind myself with love. You know, it' ok to get hurt. It's better to get hurt than never have loved. So I guess I was hoping to crash and burn, very self-destructive of me. So "Yes", I feel the great love between us but I also hear the heavy sadness in the background thumping louder and louder.

What is our relationship based on? He doesn't even speak any English when we first met. He works long hours each day and when he does we see each other 1 hour per day at most? Figure he leave the house before I wake up and comes back an hour or an hour and a half before I go to bed. Maybe it is this lack of communication taht makes us work. There's nothing to fight about. God knows I need my space. If he had been there with me every hour of the day, I would have gotten tired of him and break up within two weeks. I needed the attention and I need to feel needed as well. There's why I need him to be around, there's why I needed a boyfriend and you turn around another 5 years has passed.

Maybe all relationships are the same. Too much time has passed and we all got too comfortable to start again. That's why all my friends married with their first. I'm not denying that there is love in the relation, I just sense the fear to start again in everyone when the time comes, including my own.

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A Seemingly Relaxing Saturday

I was never a good painter. I did a shabby piece and got published in my high school yearbook, but it wasn't because I was extremely talented. It was because nobody else paid any effort. It was quite easy to get into my high school yearbook. I got a piece of writing in there too, and trust me it was crap, I'm so embarrassed when I read it now.

If you couldn't draw well like me but you want to make an effort, let me recommend you a product I found - "Oil Painting by Numbers". I don't know if you have ever played a game in some children magazine while you were young; A figure made of from a bunch of cells with different numbers or shapes on it. You are suppose to fill in the color with the corresponding cells; 1 is white, 2 is black, 3 is yellow, 4 is blue, etc. After you color all the cells, you'll find out that the cells form a fish or a giraffe or a clowns face. "Oil Painting by Numbers" is a more grown up format of this game, but you know what you are painting before hand. After filling the correspondent piece properly, you'll get a masterpiece! I just got "The Last Supper" and a fruit and lobster still, I can't wait to start painting them. They also have "Water Color by Numbers", "Sketches by Numbers" and "Color Pencils by Numbers". Try them out!

Tower Records are closing their doors forever and they are having a sale. Although, it is not a good sale yet. Only 30% off the regular price, but the regular prices are like $19 for CDs and $29 for DVDs. I can get better deals on Amazon. I guess people are downloading music and movies too much or shopping online, so music and book stores like Tower Records and Borders won't be making much profits.

Went to Pink Rose and got myself a giant size piece of Banana Cream Pie. Pink Rose is a nice pastry shop that features giant pieces of cakes and pies. I got a pot of Darjeeling to go along with it, the piece of pie is so big that I can't even finish the whole thing. I also got a haircut and a dye job. It's dark brown now. I always liked that color of hair.

El Principe got a job somewhere else now. The bad thing about it is that he leaves for work around 8:00 in the morning and don't come back until after midnight, which means my love life is officially dead. I wonder how he can make a decision like that without thinking about me. I wish he would look for a job nearer to the city, so he don't have to spend an hour traveling each way. Ayeeee, so he'll go to work the same time I do and when he comes back I'll be sleeping. Why do I even need him then?

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Worthy/Unworthy

I finally decided not to go back to Hong Kong. Of course, I would love to see my friends, but i would rather save my money. I figure if I go back I'll have to spend US$ 3-4000. Since I'm pretty sure I'll be entering a rather unhappy working environment, I want to have some money on the side just in case I need to quit.

Started doing a big blanket for my bed. Not that I need one, but my ultimate goal to learn how to knit is actually making a blanket and maybe making a sweater that I designed myself. So I'm knitting like crazy. I have a concept on making the blanket with coffee-toned, multi-long strips with different patterns, width and color. So I'm frantically knitting the strips right now. As of now, I've already spent $228 on yarn and the whole project will take around 20 weeks to finish, I suppose. And I need to buy another $100-200 worth of yarn to finish the whole blanket. With that kind of money, I can afford a drug habit. I figure that it is really not worth it to knit at all. If I go to Macy's or Lord & Taylor to get a big blanket, it'll probably cost me $200-250. It's more time-consuming and expensive to knit yourself. I best forget knitting after I finish this blanket.

I made Jambalaya my way on Wednesday and it was Good with a capital "G"! Usually you make Jambalaya on a same pot, pretty much like congee. But I was thinking, if I have a restaurant, I won't be able to make it ahead. It'll absorb all the liquid and turn into mush. So I made the sauce and rice seperately and put it into a baking dish and bake it right before it's served. it turn out to be great and delicious. Since Principe Rana don't eat shrimp I steamed some mussels, shelled them and put them in the Jambalaya. Anyway, trust me, it was Good!

El Principe is saying that the restaurant he works at don't want Hispanics working there anymore because they are afraid of the recent reinforcement of the illegal immigration law. Honestly, I think it's just talk. Where are they gonna find people that would work as hard a they do for next to nothing? Americans rather collect social security than work, and they get paid pretty much the same amount. And low income people are eligible for so much more social programs that actually it's better for them to not work than to work. But El Principe is looking for a new job now. He is notorious for making bad choices, but then he always seems to be able to land on his feet. I hope everything will be ok at the end, but I'm worried for him.

Gotta go back to my knitting, the blanket is not gonna finish itself. God, I need to get a machine.

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